(no subject)
I honestly do have this belief that God is testing me. I really do. Although, I said that to Amy today and she said if you know that God is testing you...it really isn't a test.
My mom is in the hospital. They don't know what's wrong. She had exploratory surgery this morning to try and figure it out. I was at work for all of two hours. Why am I at home and not at the hospital? Because I feel like I am about to have a complete and utter mental breakdown and frankly, I'd rather have it at home than at the hospital.
I don't do well in these situations. Especially with parents. When my grandfather was sick and then passed, I handled it much better. Because he wasn't MY father. It sucked, tremendously, very much so, yet...I felt like I coped much much better than how I am coping now and the severity of the situation isn't even parallel.
It's just that as kids we all have this image, this theory, that parents are immortal. That they feel no pain, can not be harmed. I hate being faced with the reality that parents are just like every other human out there. This get sick, they feel pain, they are mortal.
I get nervous. I don't like seeing either of my parents in pain. It makes me nervous. I went to the hospital for an hour and a half last night. My mom said to me, "You're doing well. You are handling this well." I'm glad she knows that my absence isn't a sign that I don't care or a sign that I don't love her...she knows its a sign that I am trying to cope and deal.
I spend 90% of my time in denial. It's what I do. Denial in all aspects of my life- family, work, relationships, etc. It's my coping mechanism. I don't like feeling week, I don't like feeling anything bad. I'd just rather NOT deal.
I'm getting ready to head back to the hospital in a little bit. I left work since my mind was all over the place and could barely focus. I kinda didn't want to leave- why? And this is the selfish part...I can't AFFORD to not work. That's what sucks as well. I NEED the money and I don't have a job with the luxury of paid personal/sick days.
I feel overwhelmed right now with everything going on in my life. It's the theory that once everything starts to work out and fall into place, something has to happen to throw off the equilibrium. That's just human nature, I guess. I remember Mike always saying how he would be nervous when life was good, when he was at the top...because when you are at the top the only way to go is down.
My mom is in the hospital. They don't know what's wrong. She had exploratory surgery this morning to try and figure it out. I was at work for all of two hours. Why am I at home and not at the hospital? Because I feel like I am about to have a complete and utter mental breakdown and frankly, I'd rather have it at home than at the hospital.
I don't do well in these situations. Especially with parents. When my grandfather was sick and then passed, I handled it much better. Because he wasn't MY father. It sucked, tremendously, very much so, yet...I felt like I coped much much better than how I am coping now and the severity of the situation isn't even parallel.
It's just that as kids we all have this image, this theory, that parents are immortal. That they feel no pain, can not be harmed. I hate being faced with the reality that parents are just like every other human out there. This get sick, they feel pain, they are mortal.
I get nervous. I don't like seeing either of my parents in pain. It makes me nervous. I went to the hospital for an hour and a half last night. My mom said to me, "You're doing well. You are handling this well." I'm glad she knows that my absence isn't a sign that I don't care or a sign that I don't love her...she knows its a sign that I am trying to cope and deal.
I spend 90% of my time in denial. It's what I do. Denial in all aspects of my life- family, work, relationships, etc. It's my coping mechanism. I don't like feeling week, I don't like feeling anything bad. I'd just rather NOT deal.
I'm getting ready to head back to the hospital in a little bit. I left work since my mind was all over the place and could barely focus. I kinda didn't want to leave- why? And this is the selfish part...I can't AFFORD to not work. That's what sucks as well. I NEED the money and I don't have a job with the luxury of paid personal/sick days.
I feel overwhelmed right now with everything going on in my life. It's the theory that once everything starts to work out and fall into place, something has to happen to throw off the equilibrium. That's just human nature, I guess. I remember Mike always saying how he would be nervous when life was good, when he was at the top...because when you are at the top the only way to go is down.