Why Am I Here
And what I mean by that is why am I here, on the internet. What is my purpose in trying to maintain an online presence outside of social networking?
It all started with fanfiction. This is actually back in the days when Fanfiction.net was not that big (relative to how it is now). I was out reading Lord of the Rings fanfiction on very little fansites. That's when it clicked with me that I could write stories using other people's creations.
So I did. I wrote tons of fanfiction. I wrote fanfiction for Sonic, and Lord of the Rings, and Final Fantasy and Teen Titans, and Warriors Cats, and Tron and Halo. I did epics, and oneshots and parodies and poems. (There were a couple times where I nearly wrote fanfiction of other fanfictions.)
And then there was DeviantArt. I don't even remember how I first found that site, but do you know why I got an account? Sonic. I got an account on DeviantArt because a Sonic fansite inspired me to. I wanted to be like all these super cool, talented artists I saw and post pictures and comment on other people's art, and make myself known.
I wanted to learn to use colored pencils, and clay, and paint, and computer programs the way my then-idols did. I wanted to draw and with the best of them, and maybe - maybe - I would be of such a stature that people would be making fanart for me, or that I would run my own site that people wanted to join and submit to, and maybe - just maybe - those other 'famous' artists would see me as a peer.
But none of that ever happened.
I got better and learned more and started taking occasional commissions (real commissions! With money and everything!), and met people, but I was still one of those little anonymous artists that has a little corner of the internet to themselves. Someone might stop by once or twice, but it's hardly exciting if I post something new. I was not 'popular'. I was not 'well-known'. I am still a voice in the noise and face in the crowd.
And then you see things like tumblr, were people quickly rise the hierarchy of popularity based on how many funny moving pictures they can post relevant to a certain subject. Or any artist on DeviantArt who has a massive following because everything they draw looks the same.
And all it is is reminding me that I'm not funny enough, I'm not witty enough, I'm not talented or skilled enough or original or creative enough to become 'famous' on the internet. I'm not marketable. I'm not what anyone is looking for. Hell, I'm barely even popular with my own friends and family on the internet. They don't read my blog or subscribe to my tweets (it is news to me if they do). The only ones who look at my art use DeviantArt for their own artistic purposes. So why am I here? If my original goal was to become well-known and fondly regarded internet presence, I sure as hell haven't gotten any closer. Why am I still here, why bother?
And the truth is, I don't know.
The internet has more than enough attention seeking, mediocre artists and amateur writers. There are enough people with sad stories and dire problems in their life.
It does not need another one. Whether I am here or not makes no difference.
So fuck all of that. Whatever else is out there, and whoever else is out there, it doesn't matter. By my estimate, none of it will be passing through here anytime soon anyway. The rest of the internet doesn't exist here anymore.
This is now just a mirror. Because blogging is more socially acceptable than talking to yourself.