Right now....
.... life seems to be like a cheat code. Hastily done, with lots of ups, downs, lefts and rights. Plenty of button presses too - people pressing my buttons and making me smile, making me cry, making want to kill everything then turn the gun on myself. Man, is there nothing that videogames can't be used as an analogy for? I hope not. There are a lot of different elements currently "in play", as it were, so I've divided this entry up.
GOING INSANE
I'm actually going insane. I'm going to talk about it here because I think it is important to talk about these sort of things. Too many people don't. I suffered physical abuse and neglect as a child. I've not slept well for the entirety of my adolescent and adult life. Things have recently got a lot worse and getting help is proving to be very difficult.
When I was in South Korea, a lot of things were re-stimulating to me, including the "Mirra" (search for it if you like) incident. I didn't write too much at the time as I didn't realize quite how it had effected me and, to be honest, I was just relieved that it was over. But wearing a single bandage, because that was all the school had in the medical box, and some toilet roll, then letting children humiliate and beat me for 5-6 hours, for two days straight, was too much. I bought up too many feelings, and since then, I've kinda snapped inside.
I cower with fear at the first sign of anything that could be remotely construed as threatening to a frightened four year old. I get very scared when I don't understand what's going on - actually frightened that people are going to hit me. I get confused and I don't know where I am and I wonder why it isn't Christmas, or some other random period I've flash-backed to. I shake uncontrollably. I look at myself with loathing and I don't understand why. I want to hurt myself and, occasionally, other people. I can't go anywhere without checking the easiest way for me to run out of there.
I cry.
I've been trying to get some help, but it is not going so well. I feel like the doctors just don't believe me. I'm on a waiting list but they won't tell me how long it is going to be. Like, it could be 6 months, it could be next week. But they won't even give me an estimate.
It's really hard when you feel like they don't care and they don't really want to know. I guess I'm just another number to them. Today they canceled my telephone appointment without telling me. So I sat for hours waiting for the phone, almost pulling my hair out. When no-one called, I called them, and they have sent me letter telling me I'm on the waiting list so they/I don't need to worry about anything else. Come on! If I were actually some kind of psychopath, that is just the sort of thing that could send me on a killing rampage....
As it was, it just sent me into a blind four-year-old panic.
I'm scared. I'm going to be okay, but I need help. Becky's friends mom is a trained mental health expert person. She confirmed our diagnosis, that I have PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder.
I am so thankful for Becky right now, she is being the best wife in the world and taking great care of me under very difficult circumstances. Her parents are great too. They've said they can parcel me off somewhere private if the NHS is going to take too long. Because it helps, that's the plan. I'm going to try to see the doctor again next week. I'm going to go in there with a written list of all the problems, so I can't forget anything important if I get stressed. And if it's going to take too long, then I'm going private.
To me, it's the most amazing thing in the world, to go from no love in the family, to an amazing amount of love, care and attention. If you've just read all of the above, take a moment and be thankful for the people that are good to you. I'm going to before I write the next section.
DANNY DITCHES US
In an effort to put all the bad news before the good, to get it out of the way, here is the other shitty bit.
Our good friend Danny, who we've known for about 7 years and moved to the other end of the country to be near, has ditched us. We haven't seen him for ages and we all (even Becky - a sure sign things were on the mend for him after his painful break up) get a lot of excited emails. We're going to meet up - it's going to be great.
Then he cancels on our meal out, and doesn't show up, without explanation, for our D&D game. He's always been a bit, "flakey" I suppose, but he's never just not turned up on us before. Then Adrian gets this series of really passive aggressive emails that read like he's desperately trying to get us to tell him to fuck off, so he can ride off with a (slightly) cleaner conscience.
It's like being back at fucking high school.
Danny hasn't said a word to me, because he knows I'll not put up with his shit and will be honest enough to make him uncomfortable. But the stuff in his emails to Adrian really hurts.
He says he might be ready to see us in 6 weeks but won't tell us WTF is going on. Is he in trouble with the law? Gun running? Has he got someone up the duff? Drinking/Gambling problem? Paper cut? We don't know because, apparently, only he can deal with his "demons". And he doesn't need "hassle" from us.
Hassle?!?!
We want to know how we can help. If he had said something like "I need some space" along with a "don't worry about me, it's only [X]", we could've dealt with it. Instead, he tells us not to come and find him! He goes to the trouble of typing huge emails, none of it says what's up. We have no idea how serious it is.
When no one told him to fuck off, like we're sure he wanted, he started back peddling pretty quickly, but it's still all passive aggressive crap. I'm so upset at all this switching around.
Because I might not still have the emails Adrian forwarded to me in the years following, when I re-read this, I want to record a little of what actually happened here.
Danny wrote: "Kevvy and Becky are coming home - we're gonna be a family again!"
Then Danny wrote: "Still going strong big boy, don;t give up on me yet. Should be all good for the weekend. Love and kisses,"
Then Danny wrote: "Old phone is gone. Never transferred the number you gave to my new one. Would like to have seen Kev and Becky, but it didn't end up going that way. No need for the hostility mate."
Followed by Danny writing: "Life is what it is. You roll with the punches and take the good with the bad. I'm doing ok, but don't need any further hassle from anybody, least of all my friends."
Topped off with a slice of Danny writing: "one thing that would make me look awful right now (in an already shakey job) is a group of my friends turning up looking for me to see how I was doing. It would be seen as totally unprofessional and totally innapropriate - the final straw to break the camel's back and get me fired. So please, do not turn up at school one day unannounced."
I have no idea why Danny mentioned us turning up at his school. It's almost as if he felt threatened by us doing so. It was a part of the plan the last time he vanished (turned out we didn't need to and he was simply having accidental anal sex with a woman who was not his girlfriend, but who was dressed in a PVC French maid outfit - we called it "Dannygate"), but we know it's a school. I even got out a tie and a clean shirt. We'd never do anything to intentionally harm a friend's job. What (who?) the fuck did he do to get his job so "shakey" anyway?
And no, he won't tell us where he is living now or his new phone numbers.
Ah well. I'm not sure that he wants to see us again. I think we're too challenging for him. He, unlike the rest of us, just isn't comfortable talking about his feelings. Which leads to bad things, as shown here.
I think we all feel like we're done. We love him. But after years of him canceling on us and saying "it'll be better in 6 six weeks", "it'll be sorted by the next school vacation" etc., and it never is, topped off by this, well, we all feel ditched by an awesome friend, a funny guy, and a much adored roleplayer. It's the end of an era.
ROLEPLAY
Faced with choice, at his unexplained absence, of not playing or carrying on without him, we decided to carry on without Danny and had a great session. The game was mostly tying up loose ends and introducing a new character. Tom finally joined our longest running RPG as Cissero, a planetouched wilder, with a bang. Actually, it was more of a "zzzt" noise, as that is the standard accepting laser noise that seems to fit well with the disintegrate power. Which he used a lot and to great effect.
The players also got their hands on their new airship, The Fifth Wind II.
The original Fifth Wind was a dwarven airship, gifted to the PCs and then heavily modified by a gnomish NPC. This baby was built gnomish from the ground up, so it's brimming with gadgets. Basically, everything has a table I put together. If you roll a 1 or a 20 when using that something, then something gadget related happens. E.g. You might roll up the self-repair system. Roll that up on a 20 and it starts fixing the ship. Roll it up on a 1 and it starts taking it apart! Anything rolled up on a 20 I let the PCs use again, anytime they like.
The new ship includes, airship and blimp modes, hydroponics, a hold of holding, a diving bell, a 4x4 6-wheeled clockwork whoosh wagon and more. Over 4 times as many gadgets as the original! The PCs had a blast with the new ship and unlocked the "clockwork battle tank mode" and (my personal favorite) the "wyvern pheromone spray".
In the true "Monte-haul" style, the players also got their custom magic items delivered. Wow! It sounds crazy but they spent so long working hard and brokering deals, risking their necks and fighting off threats from all sides, it was great to see a game when they finally got rewarded. There wasn't much by way of a combat-challenge in the adventure, so they ended the fights feeling pretty boss. We'll see how long that lasts (I have a combat-panic-prone group!) into the next session, which sees them heading into the Abyss. It's going to get a lot tougher.
TV
I've watched quite a bit of TV since I got back.
I've been watching "Crusade" the Babylon 5 spin off series. I missed it at the time, but it's great to be catching up on it now. It's the only B5 related thing I've not seen. I'm enjoying it (except the fucking awful pilot episode) so far, only 4 episodes left. It's a real shame that it will never get finished. I can feel that there is the starts of a story there, just like season 1 of B5, and it is frustrating to not know how it is going to end.
Captain Gideon is an interesting character. Interesting as in, "how the fuck did this man rise to the rank of captain?" interesting. He repeatedly goes in without a plan, and wins through luck and the rest of his crew's talents. I can see that they're going for a Kirk-esque thing, but damn, it's just not working.
I also worked my way through season 1 of "My Name is Earl", which was fantastic. It's not often that I go much on TV shows, but that was great. I'm going to be looking out for a season 2 boxed set, the moment I get back to work.
A couple of other things happened, but I'm getting tired and have a lot to do, so we'll wrap them up quickly. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie "Push". It wasn't amazing, but it is a lot of fun if you're willing to just go with it. And I loved working my way through "World Heroes Anthology" on the PS2. Great games, shame about the lack of balance, but again, a lot of fun if you're willing to just go with it.
I will keep all up to date on my state as things progress.
GOING INSANE
I'm actually going insane. I'm going to talk about it here because I think it is important to talk about these sort of things. Too many people don't. I suffered physical abuse and neglect as a child. I've not slept well for the entirety of my adolescent and adult life. Things have recently got a lot worse and getting help is proving to be very difficult.
When I was in South Korea, a lot of things were re-stimulating to me, including the "Mirra" (search for it if you like) incident. I didn't write too much at the time as I didn't realize quite how it had effected me and, to be honest, I was just relieved that it was over. But wearing a single bandage, because that was all the school had in the medical box, and some toilet roll, then letting children humiliate and beat me for 5-6 hours, for two days straight, was too much. I bought up too many feelings, and since then, I've kinda snapped inside.
I cower with fear at the first sign of anything that could be remotely construed as threatening to a frightened four year old. I get very scared when I don't understand what's going on - actually frightened that people are going to hit me. I get confused and I don't know where I am and I wonder why it isn't Christmas, or some other random period I've flash-backed to. I shake uncontrollably. I look at myself with loathing and I don't understand why. I want to hurt myself and, occasionally, other people. I can't go anywhere without checking the easiest way for me to run out of there.
I cry.
I've been trying to get some help, but it is not going so well. I feel like the doctors just don't believe me. I'm on a waiting list but they won't tell me how long it is going to be. Like, it could be 6 months, it could be next week. But they won't even give me an estimate.
It's really hard when you feel like they don't care and they don't really want to know. I guess I'm just another number to them. Today they canceled my telephone appointment without telling me. So I sat for hours waiting for the phone, almost pulling my hair out. When no-one called, I called them, and they have sent me letter telling me I'm on the waiting list so they/I don't need to worry about anything else. Come on! If I were actually some kind of psychopath, that is just the sort of thing that could send me on a killing rampage....
As it was, it just sent me into a blind four-year-old panic.
I'm scared. I'm going to be okay, but I need help. Becky's friends mom is a trained mental health expert person. She confirmed our diagnosis, that I have PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder.
I am so thankful for Becky right now, she is being the best wife in the world and taking great care of me under very difficult circumstances. Her parents are great too. They've said they can parcel me off somewhere private if the NHS is going to take too long. Because it helps, that's the plan. I'm going to try to see the doctor again next week. I'm going to go in there with a written list of all the problems, so I can't forget anything important if I get stressed. And if it's going to take too long, then I'm going private.
To me, it's the most amazing thing in the world, to go from no love in the family, to an amazing amount of love, care and attention. If you've just read all of the above, take a moment and be thankful for the people that are good to you. I'm going to before I write the next section.
DANNY DITCHES US
In an effort to put all the bad news before the good, to get it out of the way, here is the other shitty bit.
Our good friend Danny, who we've known for about 7 years and moved to the other end of the country to be near, has ditched us. We haven't seen him for ages and we all (even Becky - a sure sign things were on the mend for him after his painful break up) get a lot of excited emails. We're going to meet up - it's going to be great.
Then he cancels on our meal out, and doesn't show up, without explanation, for our D&D game. He's always been a bit, "flakey" I suppose, but he's never just not turned up on us before. Then Adrian gets this series of really passive aggressive emails that read like he's desperately trying to get us to tell him to fuck off, so he can ride off with a (slightly) cleaner conscience.
It's like being back at fucking high school.
Danny hasn't said a word to me, because he knows I'll not put up with his shit and will be honest enough to make him uncomfortable. But the stuff in his emails to Adrian really hurts.
He says he might be ready to see us in 6 weeks but won't tell us WTF is going on. Is he in trouble with the law? Gun running? Has he got someone up the duff? Drinking/Gambling problem? Paper cut? We don't know because, apparently, only he can deal with his "demons". And he doesn't need "hassle" from us.
Hassle?!?!
We want to know how we can help. If he had said something like "I need some space" along with a "don't worry about me, it's only [X]", we could've dealt with it. Instead, he tells us not to come and find him! He goes to the trouble of typing huge emails, none of it says what's up. We have no idea how serious it is.
When no one told him to fuck off, like we're sure he wanted, he started back peddling pretty quickly, but it's still all passive aggressive crap. I'm so upset at all this switching around.
Because I might not still have the emails Adrian forwarded to me in the years following, when I re-read this, I want to record a little of what actually happened here.
Danny wrote: "Kevvy and Becky are coming home - we're gonna be a family again!"
Then Danny wrote: "Still going strong big boy, don;t give up on me yet. Should be all good for the weekend. Love and kisses,"
Then Danny wrote: "Old phone is gone. Never transferred the number you gave to my new one. Would like to have seen Kev and Becky, but it didn't end up going that way. No need for the hostility mate."
Followed by Danny writing: "Life is what it is. You roll with the punches and take the good with the bad. I'm doing ok, but don't need any further hassle from anybody, least of all my friends."
Topped off with a slice of Danny writing: "one thing that would make me look awful right now (in an already shakey job) is a group of my friends turning up looking for me to see how I was doing. It would be seen as totally unprofessional and totally innapropriate - the final straw to break the camel's back and get me fired. So please, do not turn up at school one day unannounced."
I have no idea why Danny mentioned us turning up at his school. It's almost as if he felt threatened by us doing so. It was a part of the plan the last time he vanished (turned out we didn't need to and he was simply having accidental anal sex with a woman who was not his girlfriend, but who was dressed in a PVC French maid outfit - we called it "Dannygate"), but we know it's a school. I even got out a tie and a clean shirt. We'd never do anything to intentionally harm a friend's job. What (who?) the fuck did he do to get his job so "shakey" anyway?
And no, he won't tell us where he is living now or his new phone numbers.
Ah well. I'm not sure that he wants to see us again. I think we're too challenging for him. He, unlike the rest of us, just isn't comfortable talking about his feelings. Which leads to bad things, as shown here.
I think we all feel like we're done. We love him. But after years of him canceling on us and saying "it'll be better in 6 six weeks", "it'll be sorted by the next school vacation" etc., and it never is, topped off by this, well, we all feel ditched by an awesome friend, a funny guy, and a much adored roleplayer. It's the end of an era.
ROLEPLAY
Faced with choice, at his unexplained absence, of not playing or carrying on without him, we decided to carry on without Danny and had a great session. The game was mostly tying up loose ends and introducing a new character. Tom finally joined our longest running RPG as Cissero, a planetouched wilder, with a bang. Actually, it was more of a "zzzt" noise, as that is the standard accepting laser noise that seems to fit well with the disintegrate power. Which he used a lot and to great effect.
The players also got their hands on their new airship, The Fifth Wind II.
The original Fifth Wind was a dwarven airship, gifted to the PCs and then heavily modified by a gnomish NPC. This baby was built gnomish from the ground up, so it's brimming with gadgets. Basically, everything has a table I put together. If you roll a 1 or a 20 when using that something, then something gadget related happens. E.g. You might roll up the self-repair system. Roll that up on a 20 and it starts fixing the ship. Roll it up on a 1 and it starts taking it apart! Anything rolled up on a 20 I let the PCs use again, anytime they like.
The new ship includes, airship and blimp modes, hydroponics, a hold of holding, a diving bell, a 4x4 6-wheeled clockwork whoosh wagon and more. Over 4 times as many gadgets as the original! The PCs had a blast with the new ship and unlocked the "clockwork battle tank mode" and (my personal favorite) the "wyvern pheromone spray".
In the true "Monte-haul" style, the players also got their custom magic items delivered. Wow! It sounds crazy but they spent so long working hard and brokering deals, risking their necks and fighting off threats from all sides, it was great to see a game when they finally got rewarded. There wasn't much by way of a combat-challenge in the adventure, so they ended the fights feeling pretty boss. We'll see how long that lasts (I have a combat-panic-prone group!) into the next session, which sees them heading into the Abyss. It's going to get a lot tougher.
TV
I've watched quite a bit of TV since I got back.
I've been watching "Crusade" the Babylon 5 spin off series. I missed it at the time, but it's great to be catching up on it now. It's the only B5 related thing I've not seen. I'm enjoying it (except the fucking awful pilot episode) so far, only 4 episodes left. It's a real shame that it will never get finished. I can feel that there is the starts of a story there, just like season 1 of B5, and it is frustrating to not know how it is going to end.
Captain Gideon is an interesting character. Interesting as in, "how the fuck did this man rise to the rank of captain?" interesting. He repeatedly goes in without a plan, and wins through luck and the rest of his crew's talents. I can see that they're going for a Kirk-esque thing, but damn, it's just not working.
I also worked my way through season 1 of "My Name is Earl", which was fantastic. It's not often that I go much on TV shows, but that was great. I'm going to be looking out for a season 2 boxed set, the moment I get back to work.
A couple of other things happened, but I'm getting tired and have a lot to do, so we'll wrap them up quickly. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie "Push". It wasn't amazing, but it is a lot of fun if you're willing to just go with it. And I loved working my way through "World Heroes Anthology" on the PS2. Great games, shame about the lack of balance, but again, a lot of fun if you're willing to just go with it.
I will keep all up to date on my state as things progress.