I'm Drunk.....
...so this will probably be all over the place.
I'm sittingoutside on a cool spring night; the sort of night where you can feelthe chill air, but not be frozen by it, where you can, instead, justfeel....mellow. Okay. Like maybe everything isn;t where you want it tobe, but you are still alive, and that feeling in the air....that smellof plants growing, the sound of night birds, returned to their perches,echoing in the distance, reminding you that all things, all of them,must turn, must change, must grow.
I don't allow myself enoughcredit for growth - I spend so much time worrying about the bad, thesad, the depressing and dragging down, that I don't ever really wake upand smell the flowers. I think about people that I have wronged, or whohave wronged me, and not enough about those people who DO care, whohave been there for me, who've had my back.
You guys have always had my back - most of you reading this, anyway - and I will forever be grateful for that.
Iknow a lot of things right now that I didn't before. I know I can'tgive up writing, any more tham breathing or eating or sleeping. Good orbad, right or wrong, lucid or incoherent (much like this), writing isin my blood. It is what I do.
I also know that I need help -serious, medical help, medicated help, because I'm an emotional wreckso much of the time that I'm starting to drive myself literally crazy.That last entry was a serious psychotic break from reality, and itscares me, how much I was believing it, buying into it, as it washappening. And that's just not going to work - I can't be a functioningmember of society with serious emotional issues every few months. Oneof these times, I'm going to do something drastic to myself, and thatwill serve no purpose whatsoever.
I also know a final thing -something that hit me like a ton of bricks a few days ago, and rockedmy whole worldview from stratosphere to bedrock, and something forwhich there is no easy solution, nothing I can do to just change it.And that is a bummer, but, y;know, that's life. No easy solutions.
Anyway,I just wanted to make sure everyone knew that I was okay, and that Iknow what I need to do for myself, and that the next few months I'mgoing to be concentrating on making that happen.
I'm sittingoutside on a cool spring night; the sort of night where you can feelthe chill air, but not be frozen by it, where you can, instead, justfeel....mellow. Okay. Like maybe everything isn;t where you want it tobe, but you are still alive, and that feeling in the air....that smellof plants growing, the sound of night birds, returned to their perches,echoing in the distance, reminding you that all things, all of them,must turn, must change, must grow.
I don't allow myself enoughcredit for growth - I spend so much time worrying about the bad, thesad, the depressing and dragging down, that I don't ever really wake upand smell the flowers. I think about people that I have wronged, or whohave wronged me, and not enough about those people who DO care, whohave been there for me, who've had my back.
You guys have always had my back - most of you reading this, anyway - and I will forever be grateful for that.
Iknow a lot of things right now that I didn't before. I know I can'tgive up writing, any more tham breathing or eating or sleeping. Good orbad, right or wrong, lucid or incoherent (much like this), writing isin my blood. It is what I do.
I also know that I need help -serious, medical help, medicated help, because I'm an emotional wreckso much of the time that I'm starting to drive myself literally crazy.That last entry was a serious psychotic break from reality, and itscares me, how much I was believing it, buying into it, as it washappening. And that's just not going to work - I can't be a functioningmember of society with serious emotional issues every few months. Oneof these times, I'm going to do something drastic to myself, and thatwill serve no purpose whatsoever.
I also know a final thing -something that hit me like a ton of bricks a few days ago, and rockedmy whole worldview from stratosphere to bedrock, and something forwhich there is no easy solution, nothing I can do to just change it.And that is a bummer, but, y;know, that's life. No easy solutions.
Anyway,I just wanted to make sure everyone knew that I was okay, and that Iknow what I need to do for myself, and that the next few months I'mgoing to be concentrating on making that happen.