I think of you, whenever life gets me down
So much has changed in such a short amount of time, she mused. Everyone thinks they're different. We all think we suffer alone. That our trials and tribulations are ours alone and that no one has ever walked these paths before.
It is a helpful reminder that we are not alone in this game of life, or in "our suffering" as some would say, when one has friends who are primarily at least a decade older and have literally been there and done that. In this particular instance, she didn't think there is exactly a "done that" but those she had spoken to all had bumps in the roads of their marriages and lives. Some chose to change and stretch themselves and so did their husbands while others chose separations and either got back together or got divorced. Many had tried, or were still trying counseling. All thoughts to consider.
She had promised her husband when he expressed concerns that she would love Sam more and leave their marriage for him, back when this idea had popped into her head, that that would never happen. He was her husband and she loved only him in that was and wasn't going anywhere. Yeah, well now he was Sarah's not-really-husband because the choices they both made and the feelings she didn't realize she was capable of feeling causeing her to reevaluate her life and decide to find herself, figure out her self worth, and go after the love she deserves. She loves them both, differently, but she's only in love with one of them and that's something she's known for at least the last two years. Perhaps longer, although buried in her mind under a multitude of other happenings in her life, fleeting fights with Sam and periods of not talking as a direct result of them, the string of stifling, abusive relationships after him... all these things cause her to be in a continuous state of ignoring what was so obvious to him while he carried the flame enough for them both for over ten years without once stepping over the line until she had permission to jump. Even then, it shouldn't have happened that way. They both deserved a better reboot.
What she should have done is left her husband and then dived in to accepting the love of her life, her reason for breathing, the only one who ever really knew her at all. But she didn't. Not when she should've at least. Never when she should have. There were so many opportunities and she only ever took one until now and even that only lasted a few hours before she came home to her husband's false promises for improvement, again. While she absolutely believes that open relationships can be healthy and functional, with her state of mind and her subconscious intentions for it, it was certainly more destructive to her marriage than anything else. It was the straw that broke the camels back. She wanted him to say no. She wanted him to fight for her. She wanted him to show her that she was the one he wanted to love every day for the rest of his life. Instead, he made a weak attempt at saying he valued his marriage too much for that before diving right into who he'd hook up with and exactly how long he'd wanted to "put it in her" for. That, right there, and then the actual jumping right into it with no hesitation and no freaking out were the signs to her that this was done.
She loved Sam so completely and entirely that when he almost died, she felt like there was a gaping hole in her chest and that she would die too as if they were that intrinsically intertwined. He says now, that were the situation reversed, there's no way he would stand for that shit. He would leave her on the spot regardless of how much he loved her. But, he always adds, he would never have let it get to this point because he lets her know how special she is every day. He remembers every little detail or everything. He just knows how to make her feel better and how to surprise her and treat her well without having to be told how or what. He's done it from a distance pretty much every day for over a decade. He loves her more than anyone else in the world, he tells her. She believes him. Even when she can't say it back, she says, "I know." with such feeling because really, she does know and really, it means the world to her to know that somebody loves her so entirely. She doesn't know if he hears it or gets it when she says only those two words back. They are probably the two most important words in their relationship though, considering that her marriage fell apart because she just doesn't believe that her husband loves her, that she is important to him, or that she is a priority. She doesn't have to wonder with Sam. Every single day, she knows.
She knows that he thinks of her when he wakes up every morning. She knows that he thinks of her throughout his busy days. She knows she's the last thing he thinks about before drifting into dreams of her. She knows that she is the one he wants to fall asleep holding and wake up to. She knows this because he tells her and she believes him. She believes every single word that ever comes out of his mouth. He would never lie to her, she believes, because he would never have a reason to. Even things he doesn't tell other people, he has told her. Similarly, he knows a few things she's never told anybody else. She won't tell him her whole story because she doesn't want to upset him. She named a name once and if he wasn't dying in the hospital and all fucked up on his menagerie of intravenous medications, he would've remembered it and that boy who was the only one whose full name she knew to even name, wherever he is today, would be dead or have a serious meeting between his face and some pavement. The others would be spared only because she honestly couldn't name them, not that it made their actions and the affects of them any different. She could identify them on sight but first names of some were hardly anything to go on if she ever did pursue it. The point of that being, as he told her just today, that she is worth fighting for and he would fight for her every single day if he had to. He would fight for her and he would defend her and even though she abhorred violence, she felt even more loved and cherished because she knew he would. She believed that he loved her that much. It was yet another stark contrast to her husband, who didn't know the whole story and whose basic response was along the lines of shit happens, get over it. Sam was waiting for her not-really-husband to want to fight him and she really didn't think that would ever happen. He didn't think she was worth it and even if he ever said she was, when he says things he doesn't back them up with actions. Not when it comes to her. Work, yes. Their son, sometimes. Her, almost never. Sam always backs up what he says and always goes the extra mile. For Sarah, this was never about comparing the two of them until her husband kept insisting that it was that way which was certainly not to his own benefit the way he probably had wished it would have been.
This was about her finding happiness, figuring herself out, and getting her shit together. Maybe this time she will choose to really be with Sam despite all the times she could've and didn't. Maybe this time she will realize, as one of her older and wiser friends had pointed out, "You just need to go within to see if the love is still there. For example, on your last day on this earth, who would you want to be with? Is he the one? When you are in trouble, who do you run to? Is it him? Who do you remember being with you on your happiest days? Is it you husband?" and the answer is always Sam. How many times has she been about to go in for surgery, headed into the ER or otherwise thought she was about to die or in serious shit and she called or texted Sam first? Every time. She always had an excuse of course but every time he would tell her that it was really fucked up that she wasn't telling her husband first. He wouldn't want to be painted into this corner, as his own mother pointed out to him. She would never be in this position with him, though. She looked at their whatever-it-was and was probably overly optimistic and didn't see any road bumps. Even in their first misunderstanding since they'd officially conceded to their obvious affections, he handled it exactly how it needed to be handled and when she felt safe she let it go. Sarah never lets things go. That's how bumps are supposed to work, you go through them together and you let go. What she is figuring out is that things can change very fast when you take off the rose tinted glasses and realize that you deserve more than just going through the motions and being ignored in every way that matters. She is starting to realize that she deserves some real love and not just very occasional sex. She is starting to realize that she is worth more than just her professional expertise and that she as a person is worth something and is loved. These are all good realizations. She is also realizing that some changes is good change, or really, that all change is good.
