Small Town Hit By Surgical Strike US Military Confirms
(Islamabad, Pakistan) US Military officials confirmed a successful strike upon the small town of Lahore, Pakistan today, touting the extreme success of their new strategy in the Global War on Terror. Gen. Stan Jaczyinski of US Central Command explained the new American approach to the complex and excruciating task of combating terrorism:
"At approximately 0105 am yesterday, US forces successfully targeted a small Pakistani enclave called Lahore with a surgical nuclear salvo. With extreme precision and skill, our men and women thread the needle of launching a thermonuclear two-stage fusion warhead from Kansas, guiding it all the way into space, and hitting the precise location of the general metropolitan area of Lahore, Pakistan."
The small, quiet and sleepy town of Lahore is home to a quaint 11 million people who generally go unnoticed throughout the world. It will now be known, however, as the target of the first wildly successful pin-point general nuclear attack in the history of warfare.
Lt. Gen. Bailee Boomer briefed reporters further on the matter: "You all know how hard it is to throw a fastball at 90 miles per hour and hit the strike zone from 90 feet away. Well what we did was more like lob a fastball at 6000 miles per hour from 6000 miles away, hit the strike zone, and even gave it a little goose at the end with a wicked break to the outside corner of the plate."
"Oh that's a good way of putting it," chimed in Col. John Makey, adjutant attache to the Undersecretary of Special Tactics and Warfare, a small and generally unknown branch of the US Air Force which has pioneered the surgical use of thermonuclear fusion bombs.
While these attacks may go unnoticed by American voters, experts and political scientists have agreed that such careful strategies are sure to instill a sense of resolve and competence in the American government as it continues to wage a shadow war against those who hide in the shadows.
The carefully planned strike involved the deployment of a Multiple-Independent Re-Entry Vehicle recently put back into service after the United States withdrew from all nuclear treaties to gain operational flexibility in ongoing conflicts. Such weapons allow the military to launch one warhead while deploying several thermonuclear devices as they re-enter Earth's atmosphere. From there, the warheads are guided by intertial and GPS controls which seeks to confuse enemy anti-missile defenses. If they survive, the warheads then execute a hair-pin precise ballet-dance of detonation 1 mile above the surface, unleashing a combined 3000 kilotons of exactingly targeted nuclear hellfire.
"We can pretty much assure the American people that we carefully killed every enemy combatant and terrorist over there, while maintaining the utmost respect for the value of human life and innocent civilians," Gen. Jaczynski boasted as he left the press conference.