10.24.07
It seems like I only come on here to post some sad memory or thought, and this time will be no different but I do have some good news to report. I absolutely love my dorm, it's THE most awesome time of my entire life. I remember being apprehensive about how the people here would be, and if I would fit in and what not. I also knew there wouldnt be hardly any black people at all here and I didnt know how I'd deal with that and the first day when I realized there werent any black guys in my hall I was kinda mad. But I really dont know that there is a closer hall than ours, the people here are amazing and hilarious, theres almost never a dull moment unless its a weekend when people go back home. They're so cool and funny that we all dont do homework or study and we stay up until 4/5am talkin n laughin. We'll probably all fail college but at least we'll be friends LoL.
Speaking of failing college, I didnt do very well on any of my midterms. I mean I did better than a lot of people but it just isn't up to par for what I expected of myself. I need to try a lot harder to learn better study habits and seriously buckle down. I guess I didnt believe the dean when he said "there's no such thing as a cool Bio major". But I'm really really mad at myself. And the Bio Disc today was horrible, I literally didnt understand a word the teacher was saying, and I cant stand feeling like that. What's worse is that it felt like I was the only one not on my game because everyone else seemed to be able to answer the questions and keep up. This is definitely not what I wanted for myself.
And the bad news. I cant stop thinking of my grandfather lately. I know its almost been a year now but thoughts keep comming into my head. Like, I distinctly remember when I was smaller I would think about how I'd be so much more sad if my grandma died, and that if my grandpa were to die I wouldnt feel all that bad. How fucked up is that?? I'm so mad at myself for even thinking about that. That man was basically my father all my life. He's probably done more for me than I know and idk how I could ever think that I wouldnt be sad if he died. Whats even more fucked up is that I never ONCE visited him at all while he was in the hospital. I can still remember the heart attack I almost had when Sienna texted me telling me that he had died. She was there, and I was at work and when I left I couldnt even find the damn hospital. Maybe I knew he was sick but i didnt want to admit that he might die. Things like that just dont happen to me and my family especially not anyone so close to my heart. I dont understand how ugly I acted towards him sometimes either. He would always try to get me to do things with him and I'd always complain or not want to help out when all he wanted was to spend time with his grandson. My dad says that he knew I loved him, I just wish I could have taken time out of my busy schedule and tell him myself.
Speaking of failing college, I didnt do very well on any of my midterms. I mean I did better than a lot of people but it just isn't up to par for what I expected of myself. I need to try a lot harder to learn better study habits and seriously buckle down. I guess I didnt believe the dean when he said "there's no such thing as a cool Bio major". But I'm really really mad at myself. And the Bio Disc today was horrible, I literally didnt understand a word the teacher was saying, and I cant stand feeling like that. What's worse is that it felt like I was the only one not on my game because everyone else seemed to be able to answer the questions and keep up. This is definitely not what I wanted for myself.
And the bad news. I cant stop thinking of my grandfather lately. I know its almost been a year now but thoughts keep comming into my head. Like, I distinctly remember when I was smaller I would think about how I'd be so much more sad if my grandma died, and that if my grandpa were to die I wouldnt feel all that bad. How fucked up is that?? I'm so mad at myself for even thinking about that. That man was basically my father all my life. He's probably done more for me than I know and idk how I could ever think that I wouldnt be sad if he died. Whats even more fucked up is that I never ONCE visited him at all while he was in the hospital. I can still remember the heart attack I almost had when Sienna texted me telling me that he had died. She was there, and I was at work and when I left I couldnt even find the damn hospital. Maybe I knew he was sick but i didnt want to admit that he might die. Things like that just dont happen to me and my family especially not anyone so close to my heart. I dont understand how ugly I acted towards him sometimes either. He would always try to get me to do things with him and I'd always complain or not want to help out when all he wanted was to spend time with his grandson. My dad says that he knew I loved him, I just wish I could have taken time out of my busy schedule and tell him myself.