Long time no post, MANY CHANGES INBOUND
Brandon broke up with me 3 weeks ago. He made the decision to let me go because he feels he isn't ready to be in a relationship-that he can't give me what I need, because he can barely take care of himself (yay depression)
I've decided to move back to Houston because I've been here over a year yet I have no social circle outside of him, no other support. I moved here to be with him anyway. My father isn't in a place where he can be a proper father to me and the two friends I have are either Brandon's roommate or a friend who lives over an hour away that I barely see. Houston at least has my brother and cousin. A friend asked me to start a gofundme so I thought I'd post it here too in case anyone would like to help, I'd really appreciate it. It has some more details on there too https://www.gofundme.com/talene309
I'm mainly posting an update here because I need to get this out:
If emotional posts are not your thing, please skip. And if you think I'm dumb for feeling this way, please keep it to yourself. I've heard enough about how dumb it is that I'm moving again or that I just need to move on. If you're upset that I put myself in this situation, well at least I fucking tried instead of giving up without seeing where this decision would take me. That's more than most people can say, cozy in their routine of no risks and adventures. I don't regret moving here, but I do have some feelings I'm still struggling to work out:
You know how I feel right now? I feel trapped in a limbo of Florida is not feeling like home anymore but its not yet time to move to Houston.
I'm worried about how long it'll take to feel at home at the new apartment. I used to get anxiety attacks the first month or so after I moved in here because living alone in something foreign that doesn't feel 'mine' brings about really weird feelings.
I'm also worried about how I'm going to continue feeling, the couple of days before my flight especially, because I'm still grieving and processing everything. Especially about how permanent this move makes things.
I'm never going to see him again. I haven't seen him since the break up and probably won't see him before I leave, and that's fucking hard. While I've accepted its over and why its over, why it NEEDED to be over, its one thing for us to be over and not talking because we both need the space to heal, but its another to completely close the door on ever seeing him again.
He become someone I relied on, who I could talk to and NEVER feel judged. I stupidly let him become my whole world, which didn't help the situation, but he never made me feel like I was crazy for feeling the things I felt or reacting the way I did.
We may be over but that isn't because he was an asshole or he didn't love me. Sometimes love isn't enough to keep a relationship going when both parties are struggling hard with their mental health and sadly we can't be in each other's lives and heal and grow the way we need to, especially not me. I'm not sure I can draw a line and stick with it if I tried to be friends, at least not this soon. And yet, the idea of leaving without seeing him again, having that horrible day where we broke up stand as our last goodbye is kind of tearing me up inside.
Two weeks from today, I'll be in Houston again. I want it to be today already because the anxiety for getting settled is driving me nuts, but I'm also panicking because its so soon and I'm not ready to never see him again, to be more than 1 thousand miles away from him.
I've decided to move back to Houston because I've been here over a year yet I have no social circle outside of him, no other support. I moved here to be with him anyway. My father isn't in a place where he can be a proper father to me and the two friends I have are either Brandon's roommate or a friend who lives over an hour away that I barely see. Houston at least has my brother and cousin. A friend asked me to start a gofundme so I thought I'd post it here too in case anyone would like to help, I'd really appreciate it. It has some more details on there too https://www.gofundme.com/talene309
I'm mainly posting an update here because I need to get this out:
If emotional posts are not your thing, please skip. And if you think I'm dumb for feeling this way, please keep it to yourself. I've heard enough about how dumb it is that I'm moving again or that I just need to move on. If you're upset that I put myself in this situation, well at least I fucking tried instead of giving up without seeing where this decision would take me. That's more than most people can say, cozy in their routine of no risks and adventures. I don't regret moving here, but I do have some feelings I'm still struggling to work out:
You know how I feel right now? I feel trapped in a limbo of Florida is not feeling like home anymore but its not yet time to move to Houston.
I'm worried about how long it'll take to feel at home at the new apartment. I used to get anxiety attacks the first month or so after I moved in here because living alone in something foreign that doesn't feel 'mine' brings about really weird feelings.
I'm also worried about how I'm going to continue feeling, the couple of days before my flight especially, because I'm still grieving and processing everything. Especially about how permanent this move makes things.
I'm never going to see him again. I haven't seen him since the break up and probably won't see him before I leave, and that's fucking hard. While I've accepted its over and why its over, why it NEEDED to be over, its one thing for us to be over and not talking because we both need the space to heal, but its another to completely close the door on ever seeing him again.
He become someone I relied on, who I could talk to and NEVER feel judged. I stupidly let him become my whole world, which didn't help the situation, but he never made me feel like I was crazy for feeling the things I felt or reacting the way I did.
We may be over but that isn't because he was an asshole or he didn't love me. Sometimes love isn't enough to keep a relationship going when both parties are struggling hard with their mental health and sadly we can't be in each other's lives and heal and grow the way we need to, especially not me. I'm not sure I can draw a line and stick with it if I tried to be friends, at least not this soon. And yet, the idea of leaving without seeing him again, having that horrible day where we broke up stand as our last goodbye is kind of tearing me up inside.
Two weeks from today, I'll be in Houston again. I want it to be today already because the anxiety for getting settled is driving me nuts, but I'm also panicking because its so soon and I'm not ready to never see him again, to be more than 1 thousand miles away from him.