(no subject)
It's important to know what you want. Once I knew what I wanted. I was striving to become a clinician. Now I feel disoriented. I don't know anymore. I don't know where I am going. It's nice to feel wanted and to have options. Amir wants me to continue in academia, he wants me as a PhD student. Jason wants me as a PhD student too. Gustav sent me the sweetest message ever saying that it would be exciting to have me as a PhD student in London. People start telling me that I should go for it. Why, they all say that London is great. I don't think it will ever happen, but it's nice to know that someone you met but once wants you. There are all these opportunities and I can make but one choice. Weird...
I feel like all these people are secure and confident. They go on with their lives, they easily move forward. I am not sure why I have so much trouble doing the same. I don't know why I get so upset leaving Amir. It's very emotional. I guess it's insecurity and fear. I fear failure. I remember how once Amir told me that I would need to find a supervisor for my PhD who would enjoy spending time with me as I need attention. I know I do. It touched me then - the fact that he noted it. I did not know it was that obvious. I feel like if Jason had the money to pay me and took me as an RA, I would not be so upset. I would of easily moved forward. Alas, he may have money only for when I start my PhD. I feel like I get overly attached to people. As I see how lab members support me in the decision to leave the lab, I realize that I should do so. Robby looked at me surprisingly when I said that Amir does offer to pay me 15K and said "you didn't get an M.Sc. to work for a minimum wage" and, he added, "you will also overwork if you stay". He is right. Everyone is right. But this decision is so hard to make... I think that had CSC offered me a position, things would be much easier...
I feel like all these people are secure and confident. They go on with their lives, they easily move forward. I am not sure why I have so much trouble doing the same. I don't know why I get so upset leaving Amir. It's very emotional. I guess it's insecurity and fear. I fear failure. I remember how once Amir told me that I would need to find a supervisor for my PhD who would enjoy spending time with me as I need attention. I know I do. It touched me then - the fact that he noted it. I did not know it was that obvious. I feel like if Jason had the money to pay me and took me as an RA, I would not be so upset. I would of easily moved forward. Alas, he may have money only for when I start my PhD. I feel like I get overly attached to people. As I see how lab members support me in the decision to leave the lab, I realize that I should do so. Robby looked at me surprisingly when I said that Amir does offer to pay me 15K and said "you didn't get an M.Sc. to work for a minimum wage" and, he added, "you will also overwork if you stay". He is right. Everyone is right. But this decision is so hard to make... I think that had CSC offered me a position, things would be much easier...