(no subject)
I do a good job at pushing people away when we seem to get bigger and bigger to each other. but the good ones keep holding onto me anyhow. maybe I need to get over gloomy days and sitting around. I don't like being alone. being a people person gets very discouraging ! still waiting for something to happen. something big. something great. who knows. something, though. life isgood, really. I have great pals and Jesus. contentment comes and goes. I think it turned it's back on me half way through today. that is okay because tonight I will recieve it back, I'm sure. sometimes I yell at it to come back to me like you would a dog. I feel like a shadow puppet, but I'm really not. I'm real. can you even imagen? the way I talk and walk don't make sense and I can't jump high or talk quietly very well. I can't wisper but I can keep secrets. I kind of feel like I am the lyrics of a song that keeps getting erased and scribbled back again and end up with white line through my face. or a scar. I think half of me was kicked out of it's house. these days I realize I am different colors. some days blue and some days black. does this mean I'm made out of pain or punches or fists? I was created from a foot! a leg. a knee. a head. a hammer. maybe a rock. so many unknown apoligies seem necessary or insecere or we don't know because we don't really know much except what we pretend to have knowledge of. shifting through backseat stories to place these words in the right order. does this make sense yet? you're pretending you know me and I try to convince myself there are signs and confessions aligning up with this. the clock is ticking so we decide it's out of time because we don't know the difference between the big line and small line. there's a difference. different lengths. we pretend time is in our hands but as much as it is; it isn't. the clouds interfere along with the sky and the black stars that aren't dancing enough to sparkle. I guess that's okay. fifteen years of that and it's cool. bright eyes and hot dresses. I don't know what to do so I'm waiting for angels blowing trumpets and God taking me home.