deluge
this has been in my system for a while so it's about time i spew it out and then say nothing more of it.
i've came to the (full) realization that everything in my life is just one huge distraction from the fact that my life doesn't mean much in the bigger picture. i kind of think that no one's is. that might sound ridiculously supercilious of me to say, but my version of the bigger picture is, well, huge. they say that if the earth was formed in an hour, human existence only makes up the last few seconds. sure, in those few seconds of existence we've made an astronomical impact; we have culture, art, music, religion, technology, medicine, genocide, weapons of mass destruction, global communication, discovered almost every unknown terrain on the planet, went to the moon-- all of this in books and on paper that will burn, hard-drives that will fail, art that will be destroyed by the elements, music that will have no means to be heard again and kept in memories that will eventually rot and die with its owner. in history (even now), we had humans who thought themselves as gods. we had dynasties and empires collapse along with the legacy of its kings and emperors.
no matter how much we value ourselves because we're "rational" beings with "morals" and did all of those things i mentioned above and more, we're all doomed to end up like every other creature on this planet which is dead and forgotten because the planet will always be moving on. when humans cease to exist, the planet will erase all proof that we ever existed-- plastic, nuclear power plants and weapons, mt. rushmore, the statue of liberty... it won't happen in a lifetime, it'll happen in thousands and thousands of lifetimes for the planet to forget us but it will happen.
i kind of want to laugh at myself; obviously a sane person can't think this way all the time or he/she will never get out of bed. it's just a strange feeling to know that you don't matter in that sense... it's horrible and yet... comforting. obviously no one gives a shit about what's going to happen in a million years. most of us don't even care what happens in ten years because that's how we're able to functional and be happy-- just thinking small (compared to my version of "big", thinking globally is actually small, haha). thinking the way i do just makes me anxious and depressed. i can only imagine how much happier i would be if i only think of the little things i accomplish but i can't. i am fortunate enough to have the means to make a difference (i don't know what kind of difference... i was going to put real before difference but i'm sick of using the word "real" when no one knows what fuck that means) but how far can i take it? art can reach far but how far? inside glossy magazines? in rich people's homes? in art galleries that seldom exist outside of a metropolitan area? on the internet where millions of people don't have access to and in books that can't be read by millions more that are illiterate?
the only problems you have are the ones you make for yourself (but we need them to not be bored). my life is a state of trying to fuck myself over while trying really hard to succeed (hahaha, what the fuck am i saying, i just described almost everyone's life in a nutshell). in a world with six billion people and rising i will never truly matter but i am conceited enough to think that somehow in my lifetime what i will share can hopefully be a tiny pebble dropped in a still lake-- and i want to know i made that ripple, too.
some days i don't care, but most of the time i wish i can NOT care while caring. a whole lot.
sigh
i've came to the (full) realization that everything in my life is just one huge distraction from the fact that my life doesn't mean much in the bigger picture. i kind of think that no one's is. that might sound ridiculously supercilious of me to say, but my version of the bigger picture is, well, huge. they say that if the earth was formed in an hour, human existence only makes up the last few seconds. sure, in those few seconds of existence we've made an astronomical impact; we have culture, art, music, religion, technology, medicine, genocide, weapons of mass destruction, global communication, discovered almost every unknown terrain on the planet, went to the moon-- all of this in books and on paper that will burn, hard-drives that will fail, art that will be destroyed by the elements, music that will have no means to be heard again and kept in memories that will eventually rot and die with its owner. in history (even now), we had humans who thought themselves as gods. we had dynasties and empires collapse along with the legacy of its kings and emperors.
no matter how much we value ourselves because we're "rational" beings with "morals" and did all of those things i mentioned above and more, we're all doomed to end up like every other creature on this planet which is dead and forgotten because the planet will always be moving on. when humans cease to exist, the planet will erase all proof that we ever existed-- plastic, nuclear power plants and weapons, mt. rushmore, the statue of liberty... it won't happen in a lifetime, it'll happen in thousands and thousands of lifetimes for the planet to forget us but it will happen.
i kind of want to laugh at myself; obviously a sane person can't think this way all the time or he/she will never get out of bed. it's just a strange feeling to know that you don't matter in that sense... it's horrible and yet... comforting. obviously no one gives a shit about what's going to happen in a million years. most of us don't even care what happens in ten years because that's how we're able to functional and be happy-- just thinking small (compared to my version of "big", thinking globally is actually small, haha). thinking the way i do just makes me anxious and depressed. i can only imagine how much happier i would be if i only think of the little things i accomplish but i can't. i am fortunate enough to have the means to make a difference (i don't know what kind of difference... i was going to put real before difference but i'm sick of using the word "real" when no one knows what fuck that means) but how far can i take it? art can reach far but how far? inside glossy magazines? in rich people's homes? in art galleries that seldom exist outside of a metropolitan area? on the internet where millions of people don't have access to and in books that can't be read by millions more that are illiterate?
the only problems you have are the ones you make for yourself (but we need them to not be bored). my life is a state of trying to fuck myself over while trying really hard to succeed (hahaha, what the fuck am i saying, i just described almost everyone's life in a nutshell). in a world with six billion people and rising i will never truly matter but i am conceited enough to think that somehow in my lifetime what i will share can hopefully be a tiny pebble dropped in a still lake-- and i want to know i made that ripple, too.
some days i don't care, but most of the time i wish i can NOT care while caring. a whole lot.
sigh