im not happy.
This... isn't me. This is not me. I mean this can't be what I am.... what I've become. Thats just it. The logics fucked up here. There is something inherently wrong in this. We all assign a voice to the aspects of ourselves, and I remember you always being there from the start. So you've seen what I've seen. Felt it all. The people laughing.... and living their petty lives. You know what goes on in this world. they don't understand. They don't see that long after their laughter subsides, in search of thier next cheap thrill, their victims are still hearing the taunts in their heads. A cacaphony of degrading noise, poisoning perception. These fucks acknowledge their own worthlessness by pursuing the mundane- inviting their own pain to confront them in the form of a furious victim. But I'm losing it aren't I? I don't know which ones deserve my "attention". And I lose things. Things leave me. I can't remember what it is to hold onto something. Friends leave. Everything leaves. No!! Like I said, it makes no sense! I can't eplain anything because I can't find it in me! I think back, looking for what brought me here, but I only get images as if through a haze. I've done some pretty ghastly shit, and yet the clear motivation eludes me. These acts, they're more like answers to a question I don't even remember asking. I try to think back, but it goes soft, and nothing feels right or solid. I remember images, but like bad photographs printed on wet toilet paper- blurry and distorted. Bits and fragments. I remember being little- other kids laughing at how fat I was, calling me "fat boy". Typical shit. Thats all. Why is it like this?! I've done things... all those people... And I acted like I enjoyed it! I'm doing this... and I can't even say why!! I'm sure its not just a bad mood!!! Dear Lord!!! You've been trying to warn me haven't you!?! See I told you it made no sense! All of this senseless killing!!! What good is there in this, when it is all too aparent that you don't kill your "guests".... Its so entirely obvious- I'm being manipulated by some nameless demon scourge from beyond our plane of existence. It spoke to me in my own voice, letting me believe I was hearing my own conscience. I was losing sight of my own reasons, so I was weak. It just took over, and I let it happen. Shit. That's not good. I've relenquished control over my insanity. We think we can live away from what we hate, but we are defined by those very things, it feeds upon us.... Sustained by our belief that we are doing something right. We think we are so great in our protests... But we just become the bitter offspring of what we oppose. We become prisoners in our own cages.We spend forever building up our defenses, only to have that be what allows us to be controlled. Do you remember? Do you know how much of this is me and how much is what that thing did to me? Its these other voices. They've become self aware. Ohh.... I wish... I wish someone would just switch me off... and fix me... Do you know what? I'm not happy.