Rant in general
Ok, thank you Sekai for making me write this first of all. Lets see if it works.
First off, I've been fairly pissed at myself lately. I've assumed that others can see what I mean when I write, not what I'm trying to imply when I don't have the courage to come out and ask directly. This is a big problem, specifically because afterwards I assume that they don't want to talk about it, that they don't care, that they just want me to leave them alone on that issue. Never mind that thats not really whats going on, but thats what I interpret it as. Of course that makes me feel bad, of course that makes me depressed, especially when I have no idea how to approach a subject that I really want to talk and rant about, and try to attempt to get the conversation started on that track without actually just charging into it. I had a golden opportunity a few nights ago, and had to pass it up because I was at a friends house playing games till 3 in the morning.
Part of this is an apology to someone. I've been ranting on your shoulder because I haven't been able to on anybody else's before with the ease and natural feeling that comes with ranting and whining and wailing at you. I know you have better things to do than listen to my problems, and it pisses me off that I do this. Irrational? Check. But thats how I feel, however little basis that it has in reality.
On to the main part of the rant, which is what I had wanted to talk about.
Sex life? None, great, wonderful, to be expected for a nerd right? Ok, what about sex drive? None. Virtually non-existant. Pass a good looking woman on the street, and my thoughts are something along the lines of, "Wow, she looks good. Cool." Walk on. Nothing else. Pass someone who I like? Nothing about how I would like to end up in bed, nothing. Hell, even in my mind I can't decide. There's the wonderful part of my mind that says just do it and get it over with, shed virginity like it just needs to GODIE and be done with it. But the bigger part of my mind? Hell, it doesn't even know if it wants to, ever. It more or less tells me that if the right girl comes along at the perfect time, I might choose to do it. Hell, I don't even know if I'd want to. Between possibly sacrificing a relationship or having something more, but your not sure if you even want that more, the hell if I know what I want. Oh, and I'm not even sure if I ever want to. Sometimes in my daydreams I'll turn it down for the strangest reasons, even if the girl wants to. The hell if I know why, especially when I look at that daydream and I like the girl, love the girl, and I have no idea if I would even want to have sex with her. No, its not funny, its annoying as hell, and it pisses me off.
So its great that I can pass someone by without starting on them like most of the guys at my high school. Thats great, its wonderful. I still have my naivity when it comes to sex, when it comes to anything about that. And yet it pisses me off. I'm so immature as to not even know if I want to, ever, just because it doesn't seem that great. Hell, t3h pr0n right now? I think just yesterday I went and looked for like...all of five minutes before I said, wow, boring, and went back to writing for EC and SR. Never mind that its been gradually waning, I just didn't want to yesterday, and its been like this the last several times. Maybe its because I've got nothing new, maybe its just I'm getting a backlash. But something else that confuses me, I don't masturbate, at all. Never before, the hell if I know when I will. So all of the people go on talking about how great orgasms are, and I'm like...well fuck that, I have no idea. None. Wet dreams? I wake up and there's nothing there. Go not knowing anything right now. People ask me why I don't, and I just don't have any desire to. None, like a fucking plant right there. Its just something that everyone else can do, but I'm not interested in. Never mind that its been proven to be unhealthy, that its actually healthy for you to, I don't.
So thats one way I'm messed up, and the main reason for this rant. Yes, I needed that, yes it helped, yes, you probably didn't need to see that. To the poor people who are reading this blog, j00 just got pwned.
But in writing this I determined that I needed to talk about something else that goes hand in hand with that.
Emotional immaturity can go bite my ass. Right now. Seriously? It is by far the most annoying thing I have. Ok, so that might be an exaggeration, but its incredibly annoying. I break off a relationship with a girl with equal parts of "I don't really like her" and "I can't handle having a girlfriend because I'm so emotionally immature." Yea, its that sad. I couldn't take constantly having to be with her, I couldn't take either how fast she wanted to go, where it was going, not being able to hang out with friends, with being immature and unable to either see where it was going or want to keep up. I didn't really like her all that much, my having her as a girlfriend was possibly just us both wanting to say that we had had one. Sad but true, and it did nothing for me but cause me grief. I took one lesson away, the power of hormones when you don't control them. I don't want a girlfriend really. Well, thats not true, I do, but I don't think I'll be able to do anything for her, I'd be a gibbering idiot, and I probably would escape because I couldn't take the alteration in life. So emotionally immature that I wouldn't be able to take it. Never mind that we'd love each other right? I don't know if I could take it, which is annoying, because there is someone I like, but the dream is hopeless for a variety of reasons. Never mind that I hope she doesn't know, because I couldn't take not knowing her. Yea, I'm emotionally immature enough to hang onto a dream that I think will never come true. Coincidentally, this is the second time in my life I've fallen in love with a girl but refused to let her know because it might break apart what is important to me. So far I'm 0/1 for actually keeping it a secret, but 1/1 on not letting us break apart. Lets see how I do this time hmm?
Social immaturity ties in very closely with the above. I'm such a recluse and a loner that I don't go out, I don't socialize much unless its with Ian or Todd. Yea, its that bad. I stay in my home, my computer my window into the world. I don't know many social graces, or I'm backwards. I'm nice to other people, I do various things that other people won't, I can't stand parties, I'm a nice little recluse. I'm also completely naive about most social things, which works both towards and against my advantage.
First off, I've been fairly pissed at myself lately. I've assumed that others can see what I mean when I write, not what I'm trying to imply when I don't have the courage to come out and ask directly. This is a big problem, specifically because afterwards I assume that they don't want to talk about it, that they don't care, that they just want me to leave them alone on that issue. Never mind that thats not really whats going on, but thats what I interpret it as. Of course that makes me feel bad, of course that makes me depressed, especially when I have no idea how to approach a subject that I really want to talk and rant about, and try to attempt to get the conversation started on that track without actually just charging into it. I had a golden opportunity a few nights ago, and had to pass it up because I was at a friends house playing games till 3 in the morning.
Part of this is an apology to someone. I've been ranting on your shoulder because I haven't been able to on anybody else's before with the ease and natural feeling that comes with ranting and whining and wailing at you. I know you have better things to do than listen to my problems, and it pisses me off that I do this. Irrational? Check. But thats how I feel, however little basis that it has in reality.
On to the main part of the rant, which is what I had wanted to talk about.
Sex life? None, great, wonderful, to be expected for a nerd right? Ok, what about sex drive? None. Virtually non-existant. Pass a good looking woman on the street, and my thoughts are something along the lines of, "Wow, she looks good. Cool." Walk on. Nothing else. Pass someone who I like? Nothing about how I would like to end up in bed, nothing. Hell, even in my mind I can't decide. There's the wonderful part of my mind that says just do it and get it over with, shed virginity like it just needs to GODIE and be done with it. But the bigger part of my mind? Hell, it doesn't even know if it wants to, ever. It more or less tells me that if the right girl comes along at the perfect time, I might choose to do it. Hell, I don't even know if I'd want to. Between possibly sacrificing a relationship or having something more, but your not sure if you even want that more, the hell if I know what I want. Oh, and I'm not even sure if I ever want to. Sometimes in my daydreams I'll turn it down for the strangest reasons, even if the girl wants to. The hell if I know why, especially when I look at that daydream and I like the girl, love the girl, and I have no idea if I would even want to have sex with her. No, its not funny, its annoying as hell, and it pisses me off.
So its great that I can pass someone by without starting on them like most of the guys at my high school. Thats great, its wonderful. I still have my naivity when it comes to sex, when it comes to anything about that. And yet it pisses me off. I'm so immature as to not even know if I want to, ever, just because it doesn't seem that great. Hell, t3h pr0n right now? I think just yesterday I went and looked for like...all of five minutes before I said, wow, boring, and went back to writing for EC and SR. Never mind that its been gradually waning, I just didn't want to yesterday, and its been like this the last several times. Maybe its because I've got nothing new, maybe its just I'm getting a backlash. But something else that confuses me, I don't masturbate, at all. Never before, the hell if I know when I will. So all of the people go on talking about how great orgasms are, and I'm like...well fuck that, I have no idea. None. Wet dreams? I wake up and there's nothing there. Go not knowing anything right now. People ask me why I don't, and I just don't have any desire to. None, like a fucking plant right there. Its just something that everyone else can do, but I'm not interested in. Never mind that its been proven to be unhealthy, that its actually healthy for you to, I don't.
So thats one way I'm messed up, and the main reason for this rant. Yes, I needed that, yes it helped, yes, you probably didn't need to see that. To the poor people who are reading this blog, j00 just got pwned.
But in writing this I determined that I needed to talk about something else that goes hand in hand with that.
Emotional immaturity can go bite my ass. Right now. Seriously? It is by far the most annoying thing I have. Ok, so that might be an exaggeration, but its incredibly annoying. I break off a relationship with a girl with equal parts of "I don't really like her" and "I can't handle having a girlfriend because I'm so emotionally immature." Yea, its that sad. I couldn't take constantly having to be with her, I couldn't take either how fast she wanted to go, where it was going, not being able to hang out with friends, with being immature and unable to either see where it was going or want to keep up. I didn't really like her all that much, my having her as a girlfriend was possibly just us both wanting to say that we had had one. Sad but true, and it did nothing for me but cause me grief. I took one lesson away, the power of hormones when you don't control them. I don't want a girlfriend really. Well, thats not true, I do, but I don't think I'll be able to do anything for her, I'd be a gibbering idiot, and I probably would escape because I couldn't take the alteration in life. So emotionally immature that I wouldn't be able to take it. Never mind that we'd love each other right? I don't know if I could take it, which is annoying, because there is someone I like, but the dream is hopeless for a variety of reasons. Never mind that I hope she doesn't know, because I couldn't take not knowing her. Yea, I'm emotionally immature enough to hang onto a dream that I think will never come true. Coincidentally, this is the second time in my life I've fallen in love with a girl but refused to let her know because it might break apart what is important to me. So far I'm 0/1 for actually keeping it a secret, but 1/1 on not letting us break apart. Lets see how I do this time hmm?
Social immaturity ties in very closely with the above. I'm such a recluse and a loner that I don't go out, I don't socialize much unless its with Ian or Todd. Yea, its that bad. I stay in my home, my computer my window into the world. I don't know many social graces, or I'm backwards. I'm nice to other people, I do various things that other people won't, I can't stand parties, I'm a nice little recluse. I'm also completely naive about most social things, which works both towards and against my advantage.