I thought I knew my limits
I really did. I thought that I knew what I could take. I thought that I wouldn't snap so easily, that I could take on that many quests at a single time. I thought that it couldn't affect me like it has. I didn't think that writing so much could make me weak, could make me snap. I didn't realize just how close to the edge that I was.
Perhaps I just wanted to be able to stop thinking, to occupy my mind so much that I couldn't think about who I was and what I was doing. Maybe I was trying to slaughter the voice in my head.
What I didn't know that I was bringing all of my muses closer to the surface of my mind. Takua was gaining a bigger hold, things that were happening in game were affecting me, changing my daily attitudes. Far to much, far to fast. All of my muses were gaining a bigger and bigger hold, changing who I was acting as. It wasn't just me anymore, I had every damn muse close to the surface and influencing me.
And I honestly thought this couldn't affect me the way it did?
I knew that I was breaking down I suppose. I was becoming more irritated, I was crying suddenly for no reason, but I didn't know that it was because of this. My mind was breaking, and I didn't know why. I didn't know that so many quests, possibly thirteen or so, could crack my sanity like this.
I had just been approached by a few people who have told me that I need to cut back from the...thirteen quests that I was in. They wanted me down at a much more stable number, like four, or five. So I complained a bit, whined a bit, groaned and moaned, never once realizing that they had a massive point, one that I couldn't see. I can't see myself changes bit by bit, becoming more unstable. I barely noticed when I started to go into super fake happy mode about a month ago, and I only noticed when I went out to dinner and managed to completely fool my mother and grandmother.
So I started to slowly fuck myself in the ass by overworking myself, crushing myself with the amount of things that I was doing. I suppose I knew that it was going to happen all along, but of course, my conscious mind couldn't see that. So over the past few weeks I've been getting more and more unstable, gradually losing a perspective on the internet, falling back into the self-bashing that I've been trying to destroy. I started over reacting even more than I had been, taking every nuance and twisting it until it was against me.
So...eventually it came to the fact that people started to talk with me about it, and it was during a conversation with Centrus that I finally realized just how far I have been fucking myself. I'm not talking balls deep from a white guy, I'm talking hilt deep on a six foot morning star.
It was right when he was saying that someone had talked to him about me, and if I was doing anything to stress myself out. Now...the first thought that went through my mind was what broke me.
"I didn't think they cared."
What.
The.
Fuck?!
If you don't think that I could have a breakdown from that? You're fucking clueless and insensitive, I'm sorry. I held it in long enough for him to get to class, and that was the end of my good mood for the day. That voice? Say bye bye to the blocks that I had in place, he's back and he likes it here, a lot.
So here I sit...depressed, having a massive mood swing from what had been a good day...oh yea.
Welcome to hell, enjoy your stay within my mind. You'll like it there, everyone but me likes it. Its nice and comfy, with my angry thoughts the only thing to destroy the serenity of your visit.
Perhaps I just wanted to be able to stop thinking, to occupy my mind so much that I couldn't think about who I was and what I was doing. Maybe I was trying to slaughter the voice in my head.
What I didn't know that I was bringing all of my muses closer to the surface of my mind. Takua was gaining a bigger hold, things that were happening in game were affecting me, changing my daily attitudes. Far to much, far to fast. All of my muses were gaining a bigger and bigger hold, changing who I was acting as. It wasn't just me anymore, I had every damn muse close to the surface and influencing me.
And I honestly thought this couldn't affect me the way it did?
I knew that I was breaking down I suppose. I was becoming more irritated, I was crying suddenly for no reason, but I didn't know that it was because of this. My mind was breaking, and I didn't know why. I didn't know that so many quests, possibly thirteen or so, could crack my sanity like this.
I had just been approached by a few people who have told me that I need to cut back from the...thirteen quests that I was in. They wanted me down at a much more stable number, like four, or five. So I complained a bit, whined a bit, groaned and moaned, never once realizing that they had a massive point, one that I couldn't see. I can't see myself changes bit by bit, becoming more unstable. I barely noticed when I started to go into super fake happy mode about a month ago, and I only noticed when I went out to dinner and managed to completely fool my mother and grandmother.
So I started to slowly fuck myself in the ass by overworking myself, crushing myself with the amount of things that I was doing. I suppose I knew that it was going to happen all along, but of course, my conscious mind couldn't see that. So over the past few weeks I've been getting more and more unstable, gradually losing a perspective on the internet, falling back into the self-bashing that I've been trying to destroy. I started over reacting even more than I had been, taking every nuance and twisting it until it was against me.
So...eventually it came to the fact that people started to talk with me about it, and it was during a conversation with Centrus that I finally realized just how far I have been fucking myself. I'm not talking balls deep from a white guy, I'm talking hilt deep on a six foot morning star.
It was right when he was saying that someone had talked to him about me, and if I was doing anything to stress myself out. Now...the first thought that went through my mind was what broke me.
"I didn't think they cared."
What.
The.
Fuck?!
If you don't think that I could have a breakdown from that? You're fucking clueless and insensitive, I'm sorry. I held it in long enough for him to get to class, and that was the end of my good mood for the day. That voice? Say bye bye to the blocks that I had in place, he's back and he likes it here, a lot.
So here I sit...depressed, having a massive mood swing from what had been a good day...oh yea.
Welcome to hell, enjoy your stay within my mind. You'll like it there, everyone but me likes it. Its nice and comfy, with my angry thoughts the only thing to destroy the serenity of your visit.