Siwon’s Sunday School Story Time
Title: Siwon’s Sunday School Story Time
author: takteng_kamote
Genre: crack
Fandom: AU, high-school aged Super Junior, slightly older Yoochun of TVXQ
Rating: PG-13 for mentions of manwhorism
Warning : uberly naïve Siwon, tard Yehsung & Jaejoong
Word count: 4,428
Summary: Siwon heads a Sunday school class in hopes of becoming a reverend someday, but baker boys Donghae and Sungmin quickly dash his hopes by pissing off Chinese cook HanGeng.
Disclaimer: Everything in this fic is true…not. I own all of Kpop’s most beautiful boys…not.
A/N: This was written loooooong ago, as evident with all the references to EHB & Suju’s 2007 Star King guesting (and mentions of Heechul’s pre-Star Trek Capt. Spock hair). Half of the blame for this cracktastic monstrosity goes to boonorbane who co-concocted the plot during one of our SMS-storytime sessions. The other half goes to rkoncenaholic23 for taking care of the TVXQ part of the plot in what was supposed to be our joint-crack fic. READ IT HERE (so basically, I claim no responsibility over this fic, hah! XD) But then life and work gets in the way of fangirling so that project remains in limbo for the meantime. So instead of letting this rot in my already rotting laptop, I am unleashing it here on lj *evil, Heechul laughter*
Siwon’s Sunday School Story Time
Choi Siwon looked at the drawings he did on a huge illustration board depicting the Parable of the Mustard Seed, the story the he was going to be telling his Sunday School class that afternoon. He was especially proud of the little mustard seeds that he drew, putting little smilies on the seeds hoping it would amuse the little kids who would be listening to his parable lecture. He was very excited to finally be able to head a Sunday School class after pestering, erm, requesting it from their Parish Reverend for years. Although, like with any first-timer, Siwon was also a bit nervous wondering if he’d be able to hold the little children’s attention and impart the parable’s lessons at the same time. Good thing he had his ever-reliable friend Jungsu who always helped him in his time of need.
He remembered the frantic phone call he made to his Jungsu Hyung early that morning when he suddenly had a panic attack, worrying about the parable lecture he would be delivering later that day.
“Pick up, pick up, pick up,” Siwon mumbled over the receiver as he impatiently waited for Jungsu to answer his call.
“Hello?” came Jungsu’s seemingly annoyed voice from the other end of the line.
“Jungsu Hyuuuuung! You have to help me!!!” Siwon cried over the phone.
“Huh? Who’s this?” Jungsu asked.
Siwon’s eyes widened in shock and anger. How could his Jungsu Hyung not know his voice?! And who else would be calling him at 2 in the morning anyway but Siwon?! “Jungsu Hyung, it’s me! Your favorite dongsaeng Siwon! The one whom you promised to take care of forever and ever! You have to help me!”
“Oh…hey, Siwon, what’s up?”
“Hyung! I’m so scared about my parable lecture this afternoon! You have to help me!” came Siwon’s frantic explanation.
Jungsu sighed. He wondered why Siwon was always so emotionally needy and always needed assurance in every situation. “You don’t have to worry about that Siwon. I’m sure you’ll do very well in Sunday School later,” he assured him nonetheless, knowing their conversation would probably last the whole night unless he tells Siwon what he wanted to hear. And he definitely didn’t want to hear Siwon groveling the whole night as he had other things he needed to attend to.
“But what if the kids don’t like my story? What if they don’t find me to be a good storyteller?”
“I’m sure the kids will like you. You’re like the Master Parable Storyteller. You’ll ninja this for sure. And I’ll be there to give you moral support.”
“Really? Thanks hyung! I knew I could count on you forever and ever!”
“No prob. So I’ll just see you in church later. I kinda need to go now…”
“Oh,” Siwon exclaimed disappointedly. He had wanted to talk some more with his hyung and ask him for some pointers in public speaking. Suddenly, he heard Jungsu’s high pitched laughter and some faint whistling sound in the background. “Jungsu Hyung, did you get a pet parakeet?” he asked, thinking it was a parakeet that was making those whistling sounds. He never thought that Jungsu was the type to get a pet since he didn’t seem to be too fond of animals the way his other friend Yehsung was. In fact, Yehsung tends to act and sound like a cat sometimes and even knows the psyche of dogs pretty well.
“Uhm…a parakeet?” Jungsu asked nervously. “Er…no. Anyways, I gotta go now. See you later.” And with that the line went dead.
“Hello? Jungsu Hyung?” Siwon asked, shocked that his hyung would just hang up on him. “Oh well, time to get some beauty sleep anyway. I wouldn’t wanna look haggard when I tell my parables later,” thought Siwon, finally putting down the phone and settling on his bed.
******************
Siwon finished putting double sided tape on his illustration boards, ready to tack them on the blackboard of the church activity hall where they held the Sunday School sessions. He looked at his watch: 5 minutes till 4pm. He picked up his drawings and made his way to the activity hall where his students were waiting. As he passed by the Community Kitchen, which was right beside the activity hall, he caught a whiff of something baking. He peered inside and saw Donghae and Sungmin, both wearing frilly aprons: pink with bunny prints for Sungmin and a Nemo-patterened one for Donghae, happily mixing some batter on huge bowls. Although Siwon appreciated those two boys’ eagerness in helping out in the church’s feeding program by volunteering in the kitchen, it cannot be denied that Donghae and Sungmin just plain sucked at cooking. Their cooking almost always just has two outcomes: burnt and/or undone. The whole town knew that they’d be much more helpful just serving the food or washing the dishes. But nooo. They insisted that they cook the food, week after week, even though one of these days, someone might actually drop dead from eating their food. Good thing they were being supervised by HanGeng, a Chinese cook who miraculously salvages Donghae and Sungmin’s culinary disasters. Siwon thought that HanGeng seemed pretty nice, however he hardly spoke a word of Korean. He wondered how those three actually communicate inside the kitchen.
“Siwonnie!!!” Donghae and Sungmin both chirped, raising their heads from their mixing bowls to give Siwon wide, flashing smiles. “We’re cooking brownies!”
“Oh…great,” Siwon answered warily, already dreading how those brownies would turn out.
“I wanted to make a pumpkin pie though,” said Sungmin, his thin lips forming into a sad pout, “but they ran out of squash at the grocery store.”
“We know that this is your first time to be heading Sunday School so we wanted to give refreshments to the kids who would be attending this afternoon’s session,” Donghae said as he continued to mix his brownie batter.
“We’re making these brownies extra special by adding lots and lotsa walnuts and chocolate chips so those kids will really enjoy your parable story thingies later!” Sungmin added as he chopped some nuts. “And we’ll be putting them in cute pink Hello Kitty brownie holders so they’ll look really pretty!”
“Pink?! I hate pink!” Donghae argued. “I want orange ones with fishy designs!”
“Pink Hello Kitty!”
“Orange fishy!”
“Pink Hello Kitty!”
“Orange fishy!”
“Uhm, guys, erm…how about you put half in orange fishy holders and the other half in Hello Kitty holders?” offered Siwon, looking at the two furious cooks who looked like they were about to hit each other with their wooden mixing spoons.
“Sure! That sounds great!” answered the two in unison, immediately returning to their cheerful dispositions in an instant.
“We better get back to baking or else these brownies won’t make it in time for your story time,” said Donghae, walking towards Siwon and pushing him back to the corridor.
“It’s a parable lecture,” Siwon corrected him.
“But story time sounds a lot more fun than a parable lecture,” Sungmin answered, dismissing his corrections.
“See you later during story time!” Sungmin and Donghae called out, waving goodbye before returning to their brownies project.
***************
Siwon nervously entered the mess hall and saw a number of young kids already seated on the small kiddie stools. But to his surprise, there were also a number of high school boys his age, probably even older, seated inside the mess hall too. He recognized most of them from his neighborhood, a lot of whom were there accompanying their younger siblings. The others, however, were totally new faces to him.
“Yah! Hurry up and start already! I’m missing a football game because of this!” Kangin, one of the resident bullies from his block, hollered. Beside him was his younger brother Seunghyun who looked just as menacing and as irritated as his hyung because they were forced by their mother to attend Sunday School.
Siwon immediately felt a sense of urgency and started hanging his visual aids on the blackboard upon Kangin The Bully’s prodding.
“Siwon hyung, are you going to teach us how to levitate things and stuff?”
“Huh?” Siwon spun around when he heard a tiny voice asking that incredulous question.
“You know, how to lift things off the ground using your mind?” Ryeowook, who was seated in the very front row, asked eagerly. “I heard you’ve got lightning fingers!”
Siwon’s infamous Shibrows (also known as eyebrows among normal humans) scrunched up in a weird Joker-like form, confused with all of Ryeowook’s questions. “Lightning fingers?!” he asked, looking at the short boy whom his Jungsu hyung says is his major fanboy, an idea that Siwon finds totally ridiculous. “Well, just because Ryeowook keeps following me around the neighborhood and is always asking me how I got my rock hard abs doesn’t mean he’s my fanboy, right? And maybe he really is here to listen to parables,” thought Siwon. “I’m here to tell a parable,” he clarified, making his usual grand, gentlemanly hand gestures to make sure that Ryeowook understood him.
“Oh…” Ryeowook answered, nodding. “But you will teach us the secrets behind your lightning fingers after the parable, right?”
“Err…no,” he answered, still confused over what the other boy was talking about. He turned around and resumed hanging his posters on the blackboard. Once he had his visual aids securely tacked on the board, he turned back to his audience and cleared his throat. “Uhm…good afternoon kids…” he started, then remembering Kangin and the other bigger boys in the audience, he added, “I mean, guys…erm, people. I’m here to tell you all the Parable of the Mustard Seed.”
“Ooh! It’s started! C’mon Donghae, let’s sit here in front. The brownies won’t be done in 20 minutes anyway,” said Sungmin as he trotted out of the kitchen, still in his pink frilly apron with spatters of flour on his ruddy cheeks.
“O-tay!” Donghae, also dressed in his apron and covered in flour, replied as he gave a thumbs up and followed Sungmin. The two boys happily plopped down in front, blocking the view of a now irritated Ryeowook.
“Where are we going again?” a confused Yoochun asked as he was being lead by Jaejoong towards the entrance of the church lecture hall. He was even more confused as to why the hell he allowed himself to be dragged to some unknown place by this complete stranger who he’d just met at the grocery store while buying some manwhoring supplies.
“It’s a lecture on fashion and proper skin care. I’m sure you’ll find it very educational,” Jaejoong said, critically eyeing Yoochun’s pasty white skin and sloppy orange shirt, cut off shorts and rubber flip-flops. He turned to the skinny guy in skinny red jeans standing just outside the entrance, peering inside the lecture hall but not entering at all. “Has the lecture started?”
The skinny guy turned around and looked at him with large round eyes which were hidden by a thick mass of straight, black hair covering most of his face. “Yo yo man! Why you ask?” he inquired in broken English.
“Because me and my friend here would like to listen to that lecture,” Jaejoong answered in Korean, patting Yoochun’s back chummily when he said the word ‘friend’.
“Oh, is that so? I think it’s started,” he answered, this time in Korean. “The dude in front has just started making grand gestures with his hands so that means he’s already doing his story time. Anyway, since you’re coming in, could you bring these with you?” he asked, handing Jaejoong a tray which held a pitcher of orange juice and a plate of rice cakes. “Tell them it’s from Heechul.”
“Why don’t you bring it in yourself?” he asked, not out of rudeness, but out of curiosity since Heechul was literally inches away from the door anyway.
“I can’t go inside. I’m an atheist,” he explained, giving Jaejoong a rotten smirk. “Religion’s not really my thing. I only have two interests in life: video games and cats…and well, girls who look like cats. But my mom insisted that I bring these snacks because she’s friends with Siwon’s father.”
Jaejoong’s eyes excitedly light up. “Oh, I love the 80s too! I think it’s making a comeback, what with colorful skinny jeans and hi-cut Nikes being all the rage right now, right? Plus, I also love cats. My best friend Yehsung and I sometimes pretend that we’re cats. We put on furry cat ears and speak in meows. It’s actually rather fun. Maybe you’d like to join us some time? You could be our new Paw Friend!”
“Huh? Yo yo man, my brother, what you saying? I don’t understand!” he said, once again speaking in broken, ghetto English. “Just take food and go inside man. Now! Yo yo!”
“Okay,” Jaejoong replied, obediently taking the tray of food from Heechul. “But if you ever change your mind, you could always look for us at the park. Yehsung and I mingle with the stray cats there every afternoon.”
“Uh, no thanks. I already have two cats at home. And HeeBum and Shampagne aren’t as annoying as you are so I don’t see any need to adopt you as an additional pet. Now could you please just take this tray inside?!” he orders, letting out a frustrated sigh as he pushed Jaejoong inside.
Jaejoong shrugs his shoulder and enters the lecture hall with a still confused Yoochun following him. As he was a few feet inside the lecture hall, he remembered that he failed to ask whom he was supposed to give the tray of food to. He turned around and was about to call Heechul’s attention but saw that he was busy talking to some girl.
“Hey Tutor Noona, I can whistle with my nose too!” he proudly reported to the pretty girl standing beside him.
“Really?” the Nose Whistling Tutor Noona asked Heechul.
“U-huh!” he nodded eagerly, his round eyes lighting up. “Listen!” He moves his face very close to the girl’s face, probably less than a centimeter away and starts whistling a medley of songs which included Tell Me, Replay and So Hot, even adding a bit of choreography on his favorite parts.
Seeing that there was no way that he could get Heechul’s attention away from the girl’s face, Jaejoong just decided to hand the tray of food to the lecturer in front. But as he made his way towards Siwon, his leg got caught in something huge lodged against the floor, causing him to trip and sending the contents of the tray flying towards Siwon.
Fortunately, the pitcher was made of plastic so it didn’t break. Unfortunately, the ice cold orange juice splashed all over Siwon, soaking his previously crisp, white shirt and turning it into a bright shade of orange.
But Jaejoong didn’t notice how he’d given the lecturer a bath with the OJ because his attention was on the object that caused him to trip…which, as it turns out, wasn’t an object at all, but a person.
“Yehsung!” Jaejoong exclaimed, seeing his best friend crouched on the floor. “Long time no see! How have you been? I hadn’t seen you since we went mingling with the stray cats in the park yesterday afternoon!”
“Jaejoong!” answered Yehsung just as excitedly. He gets up from the floor and spreads his palm before Jaejoong, who does the same action in return. They now had their palms touching each other which was their patented Paw Friend greeting. “Nice to see you here!”
“What were you doing down on the floor?”
“I was practicing being a dog. You know, just in case we ever get tired of pretending to be cats,” he explained matter-of-factly.
Jaejoong’s mouth forms into an amazed “O” before he exclaims, “Oooh, I think that’s a great idea! Can you teach me how to do it?”
“Sure, it’s very easy actually! Just get down on all fours and start sniffing the floor. Just stay clear of Hyukjae’s feet, lest you want to faint.”
“Roger!” he replied as the two Paw Friends got down and started sniffing the floor just as dogs do.
Meanwhile, Siwon was starting to shiver, which was expected since he’d just taken a shower using ice cold orange juice. “Jungsu Hyuuuuuuuung!!! What do I do?!?!”
Siwon’s pleas fell into deaf ears…well, more like a distracted mind since his Jungsu hyung was angrily looking at the scene by the entrance of the lecture hall: Heechul nose whistling at their Tutor Noona’s face. Jungsu’s usually smiling face was turning red in anger and jealousy because just this morning, Tutor Noona was at his house teaching him how to nose whistle.
“Jungsu hyung!!! Help me!!! You promised to take care of me forever!!!” Siwon cried once again when Jungsu still wouldn’t look at him. Jungsu finally turns around and sees his tall dongsaeng, on the verge of tears, soaked in orange juice.
“Why don’t you just change into any of the costumes we used for last year’s Christmas play,” he suggests, getting up and leading Siwon towards the storage room where they kept the props and costumes for their church stage productions.
“Okay,” a dejected Siwon answers as he walks towards the storage room. He rummages through the box of dusty clothes and sees the costume of Virgin Mary, a Santa Claus suit, a pair of angel wings and a short leather vest. He picks up the leather vest seeing that there was no way he was delivering his parable lecture dressed as St. Nick or the Virgin Mary.
“I’ll get the wings,” Jungsu exclaims, pulling out the feather-covered cardboard from the box. “I’ll show that Heechul that he can’t mess with Angel Teukie!”
After peeling off his wet shirt and putting on the cropped leather vest which left half of his stomach exposed, Siwon went back to his audience to resume his lecture which he’d barely even started. Suddenly, he started smelling something burning coming from the kitchen.
“OUR BROWNIES!” Sungmin and Donghae shout at the same time, putting their hands daintily over their mouths in shock. The two apron-wearing boys scurry back to the kitchen as smoke started entering the lecture hall.
“As I was saying *cough* the parable of the *cough* mustard seed *cough*…” came Siwon’s attempt at starting his parable lecture again amidst the thick smoke that clouded the lecture hall. A chorus of coughs also resounded from his audience.
“Anyone care for snacks?” Donghae and Sungmin chimed in as they went back to the cloudy lecture hall, each carrying a try of black, brunt brownies.
“Uhm, they’re just a bit darker than they should look, but I promise, these are really tasty,” Sungmin explained with a cute, adorable smile as he handed the cookies to the young kids in the audience.
“DUN EET EET!!!” came a loud warning as HanGeng, the Chinese cook, came running inside the lecture hall. “DUN EET EET! DUN EET EET!” he continued to scream frantically, waving his hands across his face.
The kids, holding burnt, black cookies, just looked at him with blank faces, not understanding that he was actually telling them not to eat the cookies.
“TING! TING!” he shouted at Sungmin and Donghae who kept on distributing the inedible cookies to the kids.
Surprised at the Chinese cook’s outburst, the two clueless cooks suddenly dropped their cookie trays, spilling their baking disaster on the floor with a loud thud. Looking at the burnt cookies scattered on the floor, Sungmin and Donghae both instinctively raised their hands over their mouths as they giggled over the mess they made. HanGeng angrily orders them to go back to the kitchen and start cooking another batch, grumpily muttering in Mandarin as he followed the two.
“Oh, no need,” Sungmin assured, “we left another batch of cookies baking on the other oven.”
“Yes,” Donghae nodded enthusiastically, “that batch should be done…right about now.”
And with that, a huge wave of orange erupts from the kitchen as more smoke continue to fill the lecture hall. Panic-stricken, HanGeng runs back to the kitchen to check the oven, only to run back to the lecture hall after a few seconds, shouting “Hui a!!! Hui a!!!”
“Huh?” Sungmin and Donghae ask the frantic Chinese cook.
“Hui a!!! Hui a!!!” he continues shouting, pointing to the kitchen.
“Wait, I took basic Mandarin a few years ago,” Siwon volunteers as he tries to decipher what HanGeng was saying. “Hui a means…fire!” he answered, proud that he could still remember some Mandarin vocabulary.
“Fire?” the two inept cooks asked innocently.
“Yes, fire,” Siwon answered calmly, before pausing to let that word sink. “Wait…fire. Ohmigod, there’s a fire!!! Fire!!! Fire!!!” He screamed as he started rushing towards the exit, gathering the kids along with him. The rest of the audience bolts towards the exit as more smoke and flames escape from the kitchen.
“Wait!” Jaejoong calls out amid the chaos, rising from the floor where he and Yehsung had been practicing their dog sniffing techniques. “I learned from a fire prevention lecture I attended that during a fire, there are three things you must do: stop, drop and roll. Come on Yehsung, let’s get started!” And with that, the Two Paw Friends start dropping and rolling on the floor as more people escape to safety.
“You idiots! What are you doing?!” Yoochun asks Jaejoong and Yehsung as they rolled on the floor.
“Dropping and rolling,” Jaejoong answered calmly. “This is what you must do if your clothes catch fire.”
“Your clothes aren’t on fire! But it will soon be unless you get out of here!” Yoochun screams before running out of the lecture hall.
“Jaejoong, I think he’s right,” Yehsung points out as they continue rolling. “I think it’s better if we get out of here first. Then we can continue dropping and rolling outside where it’s safer.”
“You think so? Hmm…okay, let’s get out then.” And with that, Jaejoong and Yehsung get up from the floor and join the rest of the crowd in evacuating the lecture hall.
“Fire fighters coming through!!!” Donghae and Sungmin happily squealed as they ran towards the kitchen, each carrying a fire extinguisher. Good thing the fire hadn’t spread too much from the oven yet so the two of them were able to put it out in a few minutes. However, the smoke and the flames had scalded almost the whole kitchen by the time the fire was declared under control, turning the previously white, clean kitchen into a charred mess.
“Good work Donghae!” Sungmin said, smiling widely as he gave his co-fire fighter a thumbs up.
“You too Sungmin! Good work!” Donghae replied, also smiling proudly despite having ash smudges on their faces.
“Ni men!!!” HanGeng screamed, pointing his finger angrily at his two cooking assistants standing before his burnt kitchen.
“Uh-oh,” Donghae whispered, “you think he’s mad?”
“Uhm, I guess he’s not too happy that we burned his kitchen,” Sungmin answered, a worried look crossing his cute face.
“I guess so too,” Donghae concurred. “I guess we should run away now, shouldn’t we?”
“I guess we should.” And with that, the two giggling bakers darted away from the charred kitchen as an angry HanGeng ran after them.
Outside, as the crowd started to thin, a dejected Siwon tried to stifle his sobs, disappointed and frustrated that his very first Sunday school session was a total failure. “How will I even begin to aspire to become a reverend someday with this kind of disaster in my record?!” he asked himself as his tears finally gave in to a full blown bawl-fest, plopping on the ground and stomping his feet, taking off the silly cropped leather vest and throwing it to the ground.
Yoochun approached the sobbing, shirtless boy. “Hey kid, nice abs you got there.”
“Huh?” Siwon looked up and saw an unfamiliar man keenly observing his stomach muscles.
“Would you mind getting up? I’d like to get a better look at that.” And without waiting for his reply, Yoochun pulls up a still sobbing Siwon, forcing him to stand up and give the other guy a better glimpse of his abs.
“Hey kid, ever considered working as a manwhore?” Yoochun asked him.
“Huh? What’s a manwhore?” Siwon asks, wiping away his tears.
“You know, someone who makes women happy.”
“How?” he asked, eyes wide in interest.
“Well, you just show up looking like THAT and I’m sure they’ll be really happy already,” Yoochun explained, pointing to his exposed torso.
Siwon looked down on his bare chest and stomach and asked naively, “You mean, soaked in orange juice?”
“Yeah sure, that’ll work too. Although my clients usually prefer licking whipped cream or chocolate off me. Although next time I could try orange juice for a change.”
The infamous Shibrows once again formed a knot as Siwon became confused. “Why don’t you just serve the chocolate in a dessert plate? Wouldn’t that be easier?”
“But where’s the fun in that?” Yoochun asked dismissively. “So, whadayah say? Wanna be a manwhore? I’m kinda having some difficulty servicing that much clients in one night so I could really use some help.”
“Can I tell my clients my parables?” Siwon asked, his eyes wide in interest once again.
“Sure kid, it’s good to get them started with some small talk anyway.”
Siwon’s eyes finally lit up as he gave Yoochun a huge smile. “Sure, I’m in.”
“Great!” Yoochun said, as he grabbed Siwon by the shoulders and led him out of the church grounds. “Now let’s go to the drugstore. We need to buy you some tools of the trade. Oh, by the way, I get 15% of your fees okay? Since I’ll be the one to hook you up with clients and stuff.”
“Okay,” Siwon nods eagerly as he walks with Yoochun. “Hey, Jungsu hyung,” he said as he saw Jungsu by the church gates, “I’ll be gone for a while. I’m going to the convenience store to get stuff for manwhoring.”
Jungsu just nods and waves goodbye, too busy with his Nose Whistling Contest with Heechul to understand what his dongsaeng was actually saying. “Good for you Siwon, I’m sure you’ll ninja that,” he replied absentmindedly. “Make your hyung proud.”
On the ground, Yehsung and Jaejoong were still rolling about, unaware that the fire had already been put out. “Hey Jaejoong, I think we’ve done enough rolling…how about we go to the park now? The stray cats could already be there waiting for us.”
“Okay,” Jaejoong nodded as he got up. “Let’s go. Wouldn’t wanna disappoint any of our Paw Friends now, would we?”
--END--