Is lost forgotten? How can I find my way?
I don't even know what to do anymore
so i'm not really doing much
trying to distract myself and not worry about the flood gates
that are springing a leak
right beside me
maybe if I pretend nothing is happening i can convince myself things will be fine
do i emote or don't i?
clearly my lack of emoting and feeling and realizing is what got me into this mess
now that i realize that I do have feelings
I can't undo that
i can't unknow that
ignorance really may be bliss
because it was a lot easier living like a robot
do I continue to express my feelings to you
or do i just kind of put a cork in it and try to have a good time like we used to
it hurts that you are not picking me (right now)
i (kind of) understand
and i know this break is prob necessary
but it doesn't make knowing this any easier
it doesn't make it feel like less of rejection when the negative is overpowering me
it doesn't make it feel as easy as it was to talk to my best friend
and that is a problem
i feel like i'm losing you
i very well may be
that more than anything else is going to kill me
this is why i do not label things
this is why i do not like to offer invitations that i'm not 100% sure about
because the rejection and disappointment kill me
more than anything else
i just feel like i'm not good enough
i don't know how many times you can tell me that isn't the case
but unless i see it every day- like it used to be
[because let's be honest, i'm going to compare to the only thing i know]
then when things get dark
it just feels like i'm not good enough
not fit enough
not pretty enough
not interesting enough
not worth investing time in
at this very moment
it's breaking my heart
i'm breaking my heart?
i don't really know
i need this all to be over with
but now i feel like i'm in an unhealthy codepdent relationship
which hey, is the very thing that i've been trying to avoid since...
well since I realized that was an issue of mine
how do i get myself well again
how do i find my zen place where i'm ok to be alone because i like spending time with me
(why don't you like spending time with me?)
i know distance is what i really need
but like a fucking obsessed person
i can't go
[esp since i don't want you to think this is me giving up]
how do I find the balance?
where can i find my healthiest me again?
so i'm not really doing much
trying to distract myself and not worry about the flood gates
that are springing a leak
right beside me
maybe if I pretend nothing is happening i can convince myself things will be fine
do i emote or don't i?
clearly my lack of emoting and feeling and realizing is what got me into this mess
now that i realize that I do have feelings
I can't undo that
i can't unknow that
ignorance really may be bliss
because it was a lot easier living like a robot
do I continue to express my feelings to you
or do i just kind of put a cork in it and try to have a good time like we used to
it hurts that you are not picking me (right now)
i (kind of) understand
and i know this break is prob necessary
but it doesn't make knowing this any easier
it doesn't make it feel like less of rejection when the negative is overpowering me
it doesn't make it feel as easy as it was to talk to my best friend
and that is a problem
i feel like i'm losing you
i very well may be
that more than anything else is going to kill me
this is why i do not label things
this is why i do not like to offer invitations that i'm not 100% sure about
because the rejection and disappointment kill me
more than anything else
i just feel like i'm not good enough
i don't know how many times you can tell me that isn't the case
but unless i see it every day- like it used to be
[because let's be honest, i'm going to compare to the only thing i know]
then when things get dark
it just feels like i'm not good enough
not fit enough
not pretty enough
not interesting enough
not worth investing time in
at this very moment
it's breaking my heart
i'm breaking my heart?
i don't really know
i need this all to be over with
but now i feel like i'm in an unhealthy codepdent relationship
which hey, is the very thing that i've been trying to avoid since...
well since I realized that was an issue of mine
how do i get myself well again
how do i find my zen place where i'm ok to be alone because i like spending time with me
(why don't you like spending time with me?)
i know distance is what i really need
but like a fucking obsessed person
i can't go
[esp since i don't want you to think this is me giving up]
how do I find the balance?
where can i find my healthiest me again?