(no subject)
Today I had a lot of time to think.
I was about 20 minutes late to class because I kept pushing the snooze button without regard to the time. While walking to school I was walking alone, so I basically had the whole time to think. The worst part is that I usually don't remember what I think about. I come to some conclusion that seems so interesting at that time, but by the time I can finally write it down it's all but completely gone. I wish I had a better memory.
Life is almost like a room full of objects. Only the biggest problem is that that there's no light in room at first, just multiple light switches around the room, that work as lightswitches. You have to fumble around the room trying to find a lightswitch on your own, or maybe figuring out what the objects are just by experiencing them. Some people need others to turn lights on for them, to see what's really there. I think at this point in my life I just don't even care. I've seen enough of the room to know that there's nothing left in it that could truly excite me. I'm sick of trying to look for some light switch and tripping over something.
It's not that I'm completely apathetic. I guess it could seem that way sometimes. I was looking at graduating and thinking about how little I really cared about the precedant for it all. I hate being refered to as the "class of 2006". Grouping us homogenously makes me realize how little I really can indentify with anyone else in my grade. I have trouble making friends because I alienate myself. I don't allow myself to get close to others, and I convince myself I'm different from them. I have this antitheistic attitude towards everything. Simply, I just can't agree with anything. When someone makes a claim already in my mind I'm thinking about how to refute it. It's bothersome in a lot of situations. I think that alone is one of the main reasons I don't like going out. Every time I see someone doing anything I think of how wrong it is. I don't care what it is, I'll find fault. There are a select few people that I admire, and in them I find little fault. Those are the people that I really would consider my friends. Which leads me to believe that I have some sort of mental block that just won't allow myself to become friends with a fundamentally flawed person. How horrible is that. I can't even accept people's faults. I definitely wish I could, it'd make liking people, accepting them, a lot easier.
Back to graduating, today we got our yearbook inserts. Our homeroom teacher told us he had the yearbook inserts and we could go up and get one. I didn't move. I lifted my head from taking a nap, looked at them, and decided against it. It's my senior year, and I don't care what someone has to tell me in a yearbook. The reason is pretty simple, I just don't feel like anyone will tell me anything meanwhile, worthwhile. I just don't think people will live up to the standard I would like to be upheld. If I'm looking to preserve memories simple lines such as "Let's hang out over the summer," simply do not cut it. Yes, people as Seniors in High School still use that tired line. It's basically an empty promise anyway. They don't really plan on hanging out with you, but it's nice to say. It's nice to believe they won't forget you, that you changed their lives and the way they look at the world. It's not true. They put it in every yearbook. Yearbooks are full of generic comments. Form signatures. Dear ____(name), we had fun in _____(class). It's insignificant, and I don't want to waste my time with insignificant things. If I'm asked by anyone to sign their yearbook I'll tell them something they've never heard me to say to them before. I'll tell them something that will actaully make them remember how I felt about them. I don't want to use generalities in describing someone that I've spent 4 years with and now won't ever see again. My over-sentimization of the entire ordeal really leaves me as a minority. For some the mere existance of a person's name will spark enough of a memory for them to be satisified. Not me. I need something to really think about, something that will really make me look back on the experiences I had with that person as truly memorable.
I wasn't ever able to identify myself with any group in High School. People would identify me by association at times, but those classifications were never really valid. I would've liked to fit into a group, and coast through with them through High School. No, I wouldn't. To complicate things, I wish I would've liked to fit into a group. The truth is, I'm happy with not really belonging to anything. The truth is, I'm happy with being alone and not really having any strong friendships or relationships...most of the time. Every now and then I look at my life and wonder why I'm so isolated. I wonder why I don't just embrace other people and love them and love to be with them. I wonder why I can't just be a people person and truly enjoy the company of others. That's about as far as my thoughts go. Wondering. I have trouble formulating real answers.
Some people have Multiple Personality Syndrome. I have Multiple Possibility Syndrome. When I wonder about things it leads to about 10 answers. I was thinking while walking how much easier it would be to have a tape recorder along with me, so I'd never forget what I was thinking at that time. I'd never forget my stream of conciousness, and how I went from one idea to the other. A sort of voice journal would be able to be held forever by me, letting me know how I really thought at different times in my life. I like looking back on how I used to think, and comparing it with how I think now. That's the whole point of this journal, and the whole reason I rarely update. I only update when my life has been changed enough, or I have figured something out well enough, that I can make an accurate description of how I was thinking at the time. Anyway, back to my MPS(Multiple Possibility Syndrome). I was thinking how amazing this tape recorded would be, but also how everyone else would hear what I was thinking. To that, I thought I wouldn't mind. It's me they'd be listening to, it's who I am and I shouldn't be ashamed of it. Then I started wondering, would it really be me? Or would it be who I wish I were, my sort of Tyler Durden? Or would it be who I think other people think I am, and I would just be trying to uphold the claims others have about me. Or would it truly be me, uninfluenced by who's listening, who's not, and who eventually will hear it. I don't know that I can ever see myself objectively. I don't know that I could ever define my personality outside of what I am at that current moment. I change based on who I'm around, as horrible as it sounds. Though really, everyone does it. That's never a good excuse for your actions though. I want to be me, wherever I am. I want to be Jeffery Stephen Bernard Emming in every situation. Not Jeffery Stephen Emming at times, and at other times only allowing people to see Jeffery Emming. Some people only see Jeffery, some Jeff. Yes, I'm analogizing how much people know about me to my name, and in all honesty I think it's a prime example. The more someone gets to know you the more familiar your name is, the more they know about it. You don't first meet someone and know their full name, and you don't first meet someone and know their full personality.
I don't think anyone really knows Jeffery Stephen Bernard Emming, but I think I'd like to meet him one day.
I'm really scared of moving on to my next stage of life. At the same time, I realized yesterday then when I turn 18 it'll seem monumental to me. I've lived 18 years, and that could easily seem like quite a lot. Then I tried to really put it into perspective. People live to be five times that amount. I could live to be 18 five different times in my life. Childhood is much shorter than I think we really believe. It's a tragedy I just found this out when my legal childhood ends in 4 days, my school childhood ends in 7 school days, and really I have no idea when my idealogical childhood will end, or if it has already.
The truth is, I wish I would've had this perspective of time before. I keep catching myself wanting to live through High School with about ten different personas. Seeing how the world is through so many different perspectives, all very much contrasting. Sometimes I think I'm overly empathetic. This claim comes from the fact a lot of the time I'll just stare at someone and try to figure out who they are, what they're thinking, where they're going. When I'm deep in thought sometimes I'll take a step back, look around, and wonder what everyone else is thinking. In most situations I worry that the other person isn't having fun, while I don't really tend to consider my own entertainment. If I'm with someone I feel it's my job almost to make them have a good time. If we're not talking and there's a silence I have no problem. I like silence. I always fill it with thoughts, and it's never really boring for me. However, I wonder how the other person feels. I wonder if this is what they want. Most people don't enjoy silence. It leaves them with only their thoughts, and I don't think a lot of people like listening or talking to themselves(it's obvious I do). So I take it as a responsiblity to end these silences. To fill it with conversation that will ease them, that will make them happy. It's not a disregard for my feelings, it's just a lot of the time I don't mind any which way. We coudl be talking, we could be silent, we could be doing anything. Most of the time I'd be content. I can't remember the last time I was really mad at someone. I just try to figure out why they would do something, and try to really understand. Most people don't make decisions for arbitrary reasons, and so most of the time forgiving them is easy.
I don't proofreasd my thoughts. I just let them come out. I'm sure when I read this at a later date I'll be confused, it'll feel jumbled, and I won't really be able to make complete coherent sense. That's the way I want it. I don't want to edit my thoughts, or change them in any way. When I'm writing something like this I want it just to come out and be permanent.
I record my thoughts with a permament marker with no eraser in sight.
I was about 20 minutes late to class because I kept pushing the snooze button without regard to the time. While walking to school I was walking alone, so I basically had the whole time to think. The worst part is that I usually don't remember what I think about. I come to some conclusion that seems so interesting at that time, but by the time I can finally write it down it's all but completely gone. I wish I had a better memory.
Life is almost like a room full of objects. Only the biggest problem is that that there's no light in room at first, just multiple light switches around the room, that work as lightswitches. You have to fumble around the room trying to find a lightswitch on your own, or maybe figuring out what the objects are just by experiencing them. Some people need others to turn lights on for them, to see what's really there. I think at this point in my life I just don't even care. I've seen enough of the room to know that there's nothing left in it that could truly excite me. I'm sick of trying to look for some light switch and tripping over something.
It's not that I'm completely apathetic. I guess it could seem that way sometimes. I was looking at graduating and thinking about how little I really cared about the precedant for it all. I hate being refered to as the "class of 2006". Grouping us homogenously makes me realize how little I really can indentify with anyone else in my grade. I have trouble making friends because I alienate myself. I don't allow myself to get close to others, and I convince myself I'm different from them. I have this antitheistic attitude towards everything. Simply, I just can't agree with anything. When someone makes a claim already in my mind I'm thinking about how to refute it. It's bothersome in a lot of situations. I think that alone is one of the main reasons I don't like going out. Every time I see someone doing anything I think of how wrong it is. I don't care what it is, I'll find fault. There are a select few people that I admire, and in them I find little fault. Those are the people that I really would consider my friends. Which leads me to believe that I have some sort of mental block that just won't allow myself to become friends with a fundamentally flawed person. How horrible is that. I can't even accept people's faults. I definitely wish I could, it'd make liking people, accepting them, a lot easier.
Back to graduating, today we got our yearbook inserts. Our homeroom teacher told us he had the yearbook inserts and we could go up and get one. I didn't move. I lifted my head from taking a nap, looked at them, and decided against it. It's my senior year, and I don't care what someone has to tell me in a yearbook. The reason is pretty simple, I just don't feel like anyone will tell me anything meanwhile, worthwhile. I just don't think people will live up to the standard I would like to be upheld. If I'm looking to preserve memories simple lines such as "Let's hang out over the summer," simply do not cut it. Yes, people as Seniors in High School still use that tired line. It's basically an empty promise anyway. They don't really plan on hanging out with you, but it's nice to say. It's nice to believe they won't forget you, that you changed their lives and the way they look at the world. It's not true. They put it in every yearbook. Yearbooks are full of generic comments. Form signatures. Dear ____(name), we had fun in _____(class). It's insignificant, and I don't want to waste my time with insignificant things. If I'm asked by anyone to sign their yearbook I'll tell them something they've never heard me to say to them before. I'll tell them something that will actaully make them remember how I felt about them. I don't want to use generalities in describing someone that I've spent 4 years with and now won't ever see again. My over-sentimization of the entire ordeal really leaves me as a minority. For some the mere existance of a person's name will spark enough of a memory for them to be satisified. Not me. I need something to really think about, something that will really make me look back on the experiences I had with that person as truly memorable.
I wasn't ever able to identify myself with any group in High School. People would identify me by association at times, but those classifications were never really valid. I would've liked to fit into a group, and coast through with them through High School. No, I wouldn't. To complicate things, I wish I would've liked to fit into a group. The truth is, I'm happy with not really belonging to anything. The truth is, I'm happy with being alone and not really having any strong friendships or relationships...most of the time. Every now and then I look at my life and wonder why I'm so isolated. I wonder why I don't just embrace other people and love them and love to be with them. I wonder why I can't just be a people person and truly enjoy the company of others. That's about as far as my thoughts go. Wondering. I have trouble formulating real answers.
Some people have Multiple Personality Syndrome. I have Multiple Possibility Syndrome. When I wonder about things it leads to about 10 answers. I was thinking while walking how much easier it would be to have a tape recorder along with me, so I'd never forget what I was thinking at that time. I'd never forget my stream of conciousness, and how I went from one idea to the other. A sort of voice journal would be able to be held forever by me, letting me know how I really thought at different times in my life. I like looking back on how I used to think, and comparing it with how I think now. That's the whole point of this journal, and the whole reason I rarely update. I only update when my life has been changed enough, or I have figured something out well enough, that I can make an accurate description of how I was thinking at the time. Anyway, back to my MPS(Multiple Possibility Syndrome). I was thinking how amazing this tape recorded would be, but also how everyone else would hear what I was thinking. To that, I thought I wouldn't mind. It's me they'd be listening to, it's who I am and I shouldn't be ashamed of it. Then I started wondering, would it really be me? Or would it be who I wish I were, my sort of Tyler Durden? Or would it be who I think other people think I am, and I would just be trying to uphold the claims others have about me. Or would it truly be me, uninfluenced by who's listening, who's not, and who eventually will hear it. I don't know that I can ever see myself objectively. I don't know that I could ever define my personality outside of what I am at that current moment. I change based on who I'm around, as horrible as it sounds. Though really, everyone does it. That's never a good excuse for your actions though. I want to be me, wherever I am. I want to be Jeffery Stephen Bernard Emming in every situation. Not Jeffery Stephen Emming at times, and at other times only allowing people to see Jeffery Emming. Some people only see Jeffery, some Jeff. Yes, I'm analogizing how much people know about me to my name, and in all honesty I think it's a prime example. The more someone gets to know you the more familiar your name is, the more they know about it. You don't first meet someone and know their full name, and you don't first meet someone and know their full personality.
I don't think anyone really knows Jeffery Stephen Bernard Emming, but I think I'd like to meet him one day.
I'm really scared of moving on to my next stage of life. At the same time, I realized yesterday then when I turn 18 it'll seem monumental to me. I've lived 18 years, and that could easily seem like quite a lot. Then I tried to really put it into perspective. People live to be five times that amount. I could live to be 18 five different times in my life. Childhood is much shorter than I think we really believe. It's a tragedy I just found this out when my legal childhood ends in 4 days, my school childhood ends in 7 school days, and really I have no idea when my idealogical childhood will end, or if it has already.
The truth is, I wish I would've had this perspective of time before. I keep catching myself wanting to live through High School with about ten different personas. Seeing how the world is through so many different perspectives, all very much contrasting. Sometimes I think I'm overly empathetic. This claim comes from the fact a lot of the time I'll just stare at someone and try to figure out who they are, what they're thinking, where they're going. When I'm deep in thought sometimes I'll take a step back, look around, and wonder what everyone else is thinking. In most situations I worry that the other person isn't having fun, while I don't really tend to consider my own entertainment. If I'm with someone I feel it's my job almost to make them have a good time. If we're not talking and there's a silence I have no problem. I like silence. I always fill it with thoughts, and it's never really boring for me. However, I wonder how the other person feels. I wonder if this is what they want. Most people don't enjoy silence. It leaves them with only their thoughts, and I don't think a lot of people like listening or talking to themselves(it's obvious I do). So I take it as a responsiblity to end these silences. To fill it with conversation that will ease them, that will make them happy. It's not a disregard for my feelings, it's just a lot of the time I don't mind any which way. We coudl be talking, we could be silent, we could be doing anything. Most of the time I'd be content. I can't remember the last time I was really mad at someone. I just try to figure out why they would do something, and try to really understand. Most people don't make decisions for arbitrary reasons, and so most of the time forgiving them is easy.
I don't proofreasd my thoughts. I just let them come out. I'm sure when I read this at a later date I'll be confused, it'll feel jumbled, and I won't really be able to make complete coherent sense. That's the way I want it. I don't want to edit my thoughts, or change them in any way. When I'm writing something like this I want it just to come out and be permanent.
I record my thoughts with a permament marker with no eraser in sight.