oh world.

[takingbackgiana]

christmas eve certainly had a different feel to it this year. i had a stressful day at work in the afternoon and getting home to rest was in my best interest (rest-best-interest). i attempted to get myself in the cheerful christmas mood and was semi-successful. we always go to my nonna's house, and after last year's disastrous aura, this night fell quite smoothly. through the years the big family i was brought up in has condensed but somehow tonight, the house was full for a time. as silly as i might seem to everyone else with my childish jokes and naive persona, most of the time all i really try to do is absorb the faces and pay close attention to each one for a bit. i kept trying to focus in on my grandmother and see how she was feeling, but surprisingly she was the one who seemed most different this year. she is getting old and tired and quiet : the last detail which is very unusual for my family. in a room full of jumbled up screaming conversations, she sat silent. through the uncovered secrets and mixed up relationships of all the people in and out of the house, there erupts a ridiculous mess that surfaces love. this point really hit me when providenza came in with her one year old daughter and brittany started to cry because of how long it had been since they have seen eachother. we were all so close when we were younger and it is awful to realize that life can make two people that were once so similar turn in two completely opposite directions. the rest of the night's rituals went pretty quickly. the awkward stories.. the smelly fishes.. the presents passed out from under the tree that seem to lessen with each passing year. everything in that house is so familiar to me, i know the elements so well. just thinking about it gives me this feeling of nostalgia and gets my emotions floating.
what a year it has been. i've never felt this torn between feeling young and feeling old. i smile though. i am no longer afraid of being happy. the silence tells me why the sun rises and why the sky darkens. there is true peace tonight.
merry christmas.