Fic : Doll's House
Title : Doll's House
Word count : 3932
Pairing : Matt/Gabriel, Gabriel/OMC
Rating : NC17 to be safe
Warnings : Some non con
Notes : for my bbsylargrrrl on her birthday. This is set in the same universe as The Five Husbands of Gabriel Gray, a continuation of what might have happened had Gabriel chosen Matt as his husbands.
Part one of two
Gabriel scrunches his eyes in concentration as he feels Matt press into him. He keeps a constant rushing sound of waves on the shore in his head, wondering if Matt can dig through it in his current state to read his thoughts - the ones that Gabriel dare not voice. I hate you. I hate this. I don't want this.
He guesses not, because once Matt comes and tries to jerk his waning erection into life, Gabriel flashes an image in his mind and Matt doesn't react. Once Matt is satisfied, he rolls over, wiping his hands on the sheets which Gabriel will wash tomorrow, and falling into an exhausted sleep.
...
Laundry day. Wednesday is laundry day because Tuesday is sex night. Tuesday is sex night because Matt's shift begins at eight am Wednesday instead of six am. For Gabriel, the days don't matter. When Matt is on a six am shift, Gabriel is in the kitchen making his breakfast for him by five. When Matt has left for work and the washer is on, Gabriel watches talk shows. He watches women cry about their abusive husbands and it hurts his head because when he reaches for that sympathy it doesn't exist. He's so controlling. I'm afraid of him. I hate my life. They wail, and he reaches, and there is nothing. He hears a voice say 'but he provides for you, you want for nothing, think where you'd be without him, think of how hard your life would be'. It's his voice, but he doesn't remember ever thinking those thoughts.
...
When the laundry is on the line, Gabriel waters the garden. The hose makes a pleasant shushing sound on the lawn, and then makes little tap tap taps on the leaves of the rose bushes. For a while Gabriel is lost in the sounds, until something breaks through them.
"Hey!"
He looks up, and sees a man smiling at him from over the fence. Something in his head tells him to ignore it, smile and wave, then go inside.
"I just moved in, are you Matt?"
"No." His own voice sounds a little alien to him, but he likes the way it sounds. "No, I'm...I'm Gabriel."
The man is reaching out to him, wants to shake his hand, and it takes everything Gabriel has to reach up and take it.
"I'm Michael. Nice to meet you."
"Michael." The name rolls off Gabriel's tongue. "I haven't heard that name for so long. Everyone's called Mike."
Michael smiles, a brilliant white smile which creases around his blue eyes. "Well, my last name is Hunt."
Gabriel is puzzled for a moment before he says the name in his head and cracks up. He gasps at his own laugh, ringing out when anybody could hear. The man is still smiling, and giggling at him. He's cute. He has blonde hair and bright eyes, and dimples where he smiles. “Your parents must have hated you.”
“It’s the only possible explanation.” Michael leans on the fence. His arms are tanned and toned and Gabriel can see a patch of chest hair where one too many buttons has come undone on his blue plaid shirt. “So, I didn’t know two people lived here, but Lisa across the street said…” He pauses and Gabriel can see a blush rise to his cheeks. “Sorry, you must think I’m a real gossip.”
“No! No, it’s just…. Matt’s my husband, he’s very protective. He’s in law enforcement and …he worries about revenge, that kind of thing.”
Matt’s reasoning had been thin at best, and now Gabriel has cause to repeat it, it sounds a little sinister.
“Of course. So, what do you do?”
“I used to restore timepieces but now….I stay at home. I’m a …homemaker I guess.” He lets his head drop, embarrassed.
“Wow, hard job. I don’t envy you.”
Gabriel shrugged. “It can be pretty hard, and it gets lonely sometimes.”
“Well, if you ever want company during the day, I work from home. I’m an illustrator. Children’s books.”
That would be great, but I don’t think I can. Gabriel wants to say the words, but at the same time, he doesn’t. He tries to think around the sentence, make his brain blank it out. He nods, and it’s a tiny victory. “I’d like that.”
…
When Matt gets home, Gabriel starts to panic. He shouldn’t, because all the laundry is done, and dry, and ironed and put away. The house is clean and dinner is ready, and Gabriel is dressed okay. The only black spot on the perfection that he presents to his husband is that part of his mind which can’t seem to erase the image of Michael, leaning over the fence and smiling at him. The more he tries to disguise it, the more it comes to the foreground. When they sit down to dinner, he tries to meet the subject head on.
“I met our neighbour today. Michael.” Gabriel tries to keep his voice steady as Matt looks at him, slightly inclining his head.
“Oh yeah? Did you talk to him?”
Gabriel swallows a mouthful of casserole and nods gently. “For a few minutes. He seems nice.”
“Mmm.” Matt loses interest and goes back to eating, and Gabriel takes a deep breath.
…
Sometimes, Gabriel gets brave. His ten minutes talking to Michael have been the highlight of the day all this week, and although Matt is off work today, he doesn’t want to give it up. So he goes to the garden when Michael is out there, and prunes the roses.
“Hey!” Michael calls over, looking happy to see him.
“Hey.” Gabriel smiles, and blushes at the thought that crosses his mind as he sees how tight Michael’s tshirt is today. “How are you?”
“I’m good. How are you?”
To anyone else this might be small talk, but not to Gabriel. He doesn’t get to talk to people that often - the only time he really goes out is to buy groceries and the staff there are not exactly chatty. They rush you through the checkouts, paper or plastic and you’re done. “I’m…fine.” He doesn’t mean to leave the pause, and when he sees Michael tilt his head I reaction, he starts to overcompensate. “I’m fine! Really! I…”
Stopping himself, he starts clipping the roses back. He wants Michael to say something but there’s nothing but silence until Matt yells from the house.
“Gabe! Can you come inside?”
Gabriel drops the pruning shears and shakes himself awake. “See you soon.” He mumbles to Michael, rushing inside. He doesn’t want to look back, and see how disgusted Michael is with his weakness. He steps into the house and chill runs down his spine when he sees Matt and realises who he is thinking about.
“Talking to your friend?” Matt loads the comment with guilt and accusation and Gabriel is suddenly terrified.
“I wouldn’t call him a friend, we were just saying hello. What do you need?”
When Matt looks confused, Gabriel clarifies. “You called me in, what do you need?”
“Oh. Er…”
You didn’t need anything, Gabriel thinks. You just wanted me away from him.
Matt shoots him a look. “Lunch. I wanted lunch, it’ll be twelve by the time you’re done.” He walks away and ends the conversation.
…
The next morning, Matt looks guilty. He kisses him tenderly and hangs his head a little when they hug goodbye. When he’s sure Matt is far away enough, he searches his memory, trying to see what he’s guilty for. There’s nothing there, but something is different, something that scuttles away from him as he reaches for it.
He’s about to go out to the garden to see if Michael’s there when he realises it’s only 5.30am. He goes back to bed and sets his alarm for seven, listing the chores he has to do. Today is Monday. Monday is baking day. He doesn’t know what to bake, but he has books. Cakes maybe, he could make cakes. He lies back, and it seems only seconds before his alarm goes off. He has to shower, get dressed, clean the shower, tidy the bedroom, make his breakfast, clean the dishes from breakfast. Then he can start to bake. Monday is baking day.
It’s one in the afternoon when the list is done. Gabriel checks himself in the mirror, and then goes to the garden. He’s only out there for a few minutes, pulling a couple of weeds, when Michael appears. His stomach flips and he smiles when he sees Michael’s face light up. “Hi!” He calls, dropping the dead weeds on the ground.
“Hi! Something smells amazing!” Michael is wearing a cream shirt with green pinstripes on it, it’s clingy in places and Gabriel yearns to touch it.
“I made cakes. Would you like some?” Without waiting for an answer he darts inside and puts four cupcakes into a Tupperware dish. He has smelled the rich aroma of good coffee coming from Michael’s kitchen, so he has made four coffee cakes as well as the chocolate ones that Matt likes. He had stood staring at the coffee jar for twenty minutes before taking the plunge. Coffee is good, Matt won’t notice it’s missing. Matt doesn’t have to know.
He hands the cakes over with pride and can’t disguise his pleasure when Michael opens the lid of the Tupperware and moans at the scent. “Oh man, they smell so good. Thank you so much.”
“It’s nothing…” Gabriel blushes. He looks Michael in the eye and their gaze lasts just a second too long. Suddenly, Gabriel feels a cold feeling spread across his stomach and bolts into the house, barely making it to the bathroom before he vomits. He spits out sour saliva and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. He gets up to wash out his mouth and apologise to Michael for running off but as he thinks of him his guts clench again and he heaves. Anger boiling inside him he stares into the mirror above the sink. He thinks of his mother, his father, Matt. Then he thinks of Michael and sure enough his stomach sends him reeling to the toilet again. When there is nothing left to throw up he collapses onto the floor and sobs.
…
He doesn’t see Michael again for a week. Then one evening the doorbell rings and there is he, holding out the Tupperware box. “Michael…I…You didn’t need to bring this back.”
“Well, I haven’t seen you and I wanted to invite you and Matt to my place for game night on Saturday.” Michael’s eyes shift to look over Gabriel’s shoulder and he flinches to see Matt there.
“Saturday? Oh I’m sorry, I’m working.” Matt smiles, one hand at Gabriel’s back. “But I bet Gabe would love to, right honey?”
Gabriel looks at him incredulously. “Without you?”
Matt laughs. “Why not? Save you sitting here by yourself.”
Gabriel looks back at Michael. “Er, sure I’d love to.”
“Great! See you there about eight?”
Gabriel nods, and notices the sick feeling is gone. He watches Michael go and looks at Matt for an explanation. “You want me to go over there alone?”
Matt smiles and squeezes his shoulder a little too hard. “Where’s the harm? You’ll have fun.” He heads back into the living room, and Gabriel closes the front door, wondering what the hell just happened.
…
It’s a trap, he’s sure of it. Gabriel brushes his teeth and thinks about Matt. He had left for work at 6pm, a night shift. He’ll be alone tonight, and he’ll be with other people. Michael. Since he was invited to game night he longer gets sick when he thinks about him, and this scares Gabriel more than anything.
When he arrives at Michael’s door, his host looks ecstatic to see him. His smile is wide, his eyes sparkle and he squeezes Gabriel on the arm as he leads him inside. His place is nice, it looks….Gabriel can’t think of the word. Nice? No, he shakes his head. A word other than nice. Nice? He shakes his head again.
“Are you okay?” Michael handing him a beer.
“Yeah.” Gabriel smiles as he takes it. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
In the living room there are a few people he knows, Lisa from across the street, and Geoff and Tammy from on the corner. Michael introduces them all, but their names won’t stick. He just nods and smiles. The first game is Scrabble. The tiles come out and Gabriel looks at them. His turn is here, the board has tiles on it but he can’t make a word. He knows he should be able to, the game’s only just started and he has a good rack of letters. He looks at his tiles, and the board. Nothing. There’s no word he can make. He glances up, and the others are looking at him, expecting. They all took moments to make their plays and he’s still sitting here.
“You wanna pass?” someone says. Who is that?
Gabriel just nods. “Yeah, I got nothing. Excuse me one minute.” He gets up and goes to the kitchen. The kitchen is nice. He tries to think back to his tiles, can he make the word nice? He closes his eyes, and wonders when he became so stupid. This was a terrible idea. He can’t play games with these people because he’s too stupid. He should never have come here, never have come here without Matt. He’s about to leave when a hand touches his shoulder.
“Hey, are you alright?” Michael looks him in the eye, concerned. “We can play something different, it’s not important.”
“I….” Gabriel knows the word ‘important’ but right now it makes no sense to him. Important. What is that?”
“Actually, I was wondering, since you’re here….I hate to do this to you but you mentioned you restored timepieces and I was wondering if you could take a look at my Grandfather’s pocket watch. Hasn’t worked in years but I figured you might know what’s wrong with it.”
Gabriel finds himself nodding and Michael grins. “Great! Give me a sec.”
Gabriel’s head swims. The kitchen is nice. Michael is nice. Scrabble is hard. He was leaving, wasn’t he? Why is he still here? He starts to leave the kitchen but then Michael is there with a pocket watch. He’s talking, but Gabriel can’t understand most of what he says. He takes the watch and opens the back.
Cogs. Coils. Springs. He nudges them with his finger and suddenly something within him sparks. “Tweezers. Do you have some?” He asks.
Michael runs off and returns with slanted eyebrow tweezers. Gabriel lifts a cog, moves it, digs out some dust, tightens a screw, replaces another cog. Suddenly, day breaks over his consciousness. It’s almost like he can hear his synapses firing, making links, forging pathways. He straightens a spring and he gets back a fight he and Matt had two years ago. He replaces a stray cog and he remembers how hates the sweater he’s wearing. His memory flexes and it feels like that metal band that is fixed around it is straining. That tight feeling he gets when he tries to reach for a thought is gone, broken, snapped. He works for five, maybe ten minutes, the tweezers moving quickly until suddenly the watch workings come to life. It ticks, the coils wind, the cogs move. He clicks the back onto the watch and looks up. Michael is there, and he’s smiling.
“Oh my God, you did it! I thought it was beyond repair!” Michael holds the watch to his ear and marvels at the face telling the right time.
“That was a quick job, you bring it to me when I’ve got my tools and I’ll fix it properly, make sure it never seizes up again. It’s an old mechanism, looks like in the past someone’s replaced one of the self-winding coils with a cheaper, newer part and it’s not up to the job. I might have a part which will work better with a watch this age, I’ll check.” Gabriel grins and Michael looks at him with surprise. “What?”
Michael giggles. “I think that’s the most you’ve ever said since we met.”
Gabriel smiles shyly. “Oh I don’t mean to be stoic, I just…” Stoic. Gabriel puts an arm around Michael’s shoulder and leads him out of the kitchen. “Come on, I think I have some catching up to do.”
Stoic. He places the tiles on the board and gets more. Facile. Doting. Elliptical. He wins easily and Geoff smiles in admiration.
“Looks like we got us a hustler here. Maybe Hungry Hungry Hippos will even this race out, how’s your trigger finger Gabriel?”
Gabriel laughs, it’s a rich, wonderful sound and his whole face lights up. “Bring it on, I’m feeling good.”
…
Gabriel took another swig of his beer and sat back contentedly. He felt free for the first time in years. He heard the door click and suddenly realised he was the last one left. The clock chimed one am. Sunday. Bathroom cleaning day - except Gabriel didn’t give a fuck anymore. Bathroom cleaning day? Who even thinks like that?
Michael came back from seeing off Geoff and Tammy and settled into the sofa. “Man, I had fun tonight.”
“Me too.” Gabriel looked at the clock again. “I should let you get to bed, it’s late.”
“No…I mean, it’s not that late, just stay for a little longer, we barely got to talk tonight.” Michael turned his body towards him and tilted his head coquettishly. “You really…surprised me, I mean usually you’re so quiet and measured and tonight…I dunno.”
Gabriel raised his eyebrows and smirked. “You don’t like me this way?”
Grinning, Michael reached out to pat Gabriel’s leg. “I like it much better. You have a great dirty laugh, and you’re funny. You’re smart, I never knew you were smart.”
“I think I’ve been holding back for a long time. To be honest I haven’t spent any time with anyone other than Matt for years.” Gabriel took a drink, waiting for Michael to ask the uncomfortable question.
“Why do you have to hold back?”
Michael’s hand was still on his leg, and Gabriel had no intention of asking him to move it. “Maybe I won’t anymore.” He looked into Michael’s eyes. I’ve come so far tonight. He thought. Meet me half way.
“Gabriel…I…” Michael squeezed his leg and Gabriel leaned in to kiss him, sighing with relief when he reciprocated. They settled together, their bodies entwined awkwardly but neither one wanting to move an inch and break the spell. As they kissed Gabriel felt himself letting go of stray thoughts one by one until there was nothing but Michael’s hands in his hair, Michael’s body heat warming him, Michael’s tongue on his. His brain was feeling someone lit a sparkler and threw it in, and all the time the memories kept coming. Gabriel moaned as every touch of Michael’s tongue gave him a fragment of a previous kiss or caress. He always thought he was inexperienced and awkward but he flashes images and sounds that tell him otherwise; moans and expressions, fingernails digging into him. Michael whimpered beneath him and he growled into his mouth. “I want you. Michael, I want you now.”
Michael tugged on his shirt collar as he got up from the couch, walking backwards and sending Scrabble tiles scattering as he knocked the box from the table. Gabriel gripped his hand as if at any moment he might turn to smoke and disappear, Michael leading him through the house and up the stairs.
When they reached the bedroom, Michael seemed to hesitate. “What about….” His words were cut off as Gabriel kissed him, unbuttoning his shirt with shaking hands.
“Don’t think about him, don’t. I’m not.” Gabriel pushed Michael’s shirt off his shoulders and started to lick and suck at his neck. He grinned as Michael whimpered again and nipped at his earlobe as he pushed him towards the bed.
Michael smiled at him. “You’re sure, right?”
Gabriel answered him by stripping slowly, his confidence rising with every hungry look that Michael threw him. His partner shucked his own clothes without taking his eyes off him, and shuffled back on the bed, legs apart. Gabriel moved slowly to him, settling between his thighs and letting his back arch as he bent to run his tongue over Michael’s abs. He gave a shy glance up, only half believing what was happening, and caught Michael’s gaze. “What?”
Michael smiled and folded his arms behind his head. “Nothing, please continue.”
Gabriel smirked back and crawled up to kiss Michael deeply, sighing when their bodies rested together. “You want this, right?”
Michael nodded, his eyes shining. “Right.”
**
Pulling the front door behind him, Gabriel tipped his head to listen. “Matt?”
It was 5.30 am, and the house was silent. Matt wasn’t home yet. Gabriel darted to the shower, scrubbing although he longed to keep Michael’s scent on him. He threw last night’s clothes into the machine along with some of Matt’s and turned it on.
Settling at the kitchen table once the coffee was on, Gabriel started to think. He didn’t know how Matt was going to react to him when he returned. Would he know he had remembered? Would be bother to search his memory or would he be so complacent that he wouldn’t try? He wandered into the back yard, glancing over at Michael’s place, still shrouded in darkness.
“You’re up early!”
Gabriel’s head jerked to see his neighbour on the other side, Margaret. She worked shifts as a nurse and he saw her sometimes when Matt was on nights. He looked at her and smiled. “Morning Margaret.”
I saw you coming back from Michael’s this morning. Naughty boy.
Gabriel stared. Margaret’s lips hadn’t moved but he had heard that clear as a bell. Was he going crazy?
“Did you go to game night last night?” She asked.
“Yes. Yes, it was..fun.”
I bet it was. “Great! I’ll have to try and make the next one. Bye!” She waved as she went back into her house.
Gabriel only had time for a breath before he heard the front door close and Matt step into the hall.
“Gabriel? Is there any coffee?”
Gabriel made his way into the house and tried to calm himself. It wouldn’t do to look like he was nervous. “There is, let me get you one. Good night at work?”
Matt looked confused for a minute, then shook his head slightly. “Yeah, okay. Do we have some aspirin? Argh!” He doubled over gripping his head and Gabriel dug his nails into his hand to stop himself from doing the same as the feedback rang through his skull.
“Are you okay?” Gabriel asked with mock concern as he went to his husband. “Matt what is it?”
Matt looked up momentarily before grasping his head again. “Argh! What - what’s happening, did you - “
Gabriel met his gaze. “Did I what?” He had never seen Matt look so scared. He tried not to smile as he saw a bead of sweat appear on his forehead.
“Nothing. I’m gonna lie down for a while.” Matt left like he couldn’t wait to get out of Gabriel’s way, and there was something very satisfying about the sound of him stumbling as he climbed the stairs. Gabriel felt his coffee cup warm in his hand and looked down at it. He could have sworn it was further down the kitchen counter.
To be continued
Word count : 3932
Pairing : Matt/Gabriel, Gabriel/OMC
Rating : NC17 to be safe
Warnings : Some non con
Notes : for my bbsylargrrrl on her birthday. This is set in the same universe as The Five Husbands of Gabriel Gray, a continuation of what might have happened had Gabriel chosen Matt as his husbands.
Part one of two
Gabriel scrunches his eyes in concentration as he feels Matt press into him. He keeps a constant rushing sound of waves on the shore in his head, wondering if Matt can dig through it in his current state to read his thoughts - the ones that Gabriel dare not voice. I hate you. I hate this. I don't want this.
He guesses not, because once Matt comes and tries to jerk his waning erection into life, Gabriel flashes an image in his mind and Matt doesn't react. Once Matt is satisfied, he rolls over, wiping his hands on the sheets which Gabriel will wash tomorrow, and falling into an exhausted sleep.
...
Laundry day. Wednesday is laundry day because Tuesday is sex night. Tuesday is sex night because Matt's shift begins at eight am Wednesday instead of six am. For Gabriel, the days don't matter. When Matt is on a six am shift, Gabriel is in the kitchen making his breakfast for him by five. When Matt has left for work and the washer is on, Gabriel watches talk shows. He watches women cry about their abusive husbands and it hurts his head because when he reaches for that sympathy it doesn't exist. He's so controlling. I'm afraid of him. I hate my life. They wail, and he reaches, and there is nothing. He hears a voice say 'but he provides for you, you want for nothing, think where you'd be without him, think of how hard your life would be'. It's his voice, but he doesn't remember ever thinking those thoughts.
...
When the laundry is on the line, Gabriel waters the garden. The hose makes a pleasant shushing sound on the lawn, and then makes little tap tap taps on the leaves of the rose bushes. For a while Gabriel is lost in the sounds, until something breaks through them.
"Hey!"
He looks up, and sees a man smiling at him from over the fence. Something in his head tells him to ignore it, smile and wave, then go inside.
"I just moved in, are you Matt?"
"No." His own voice sounds a little alien to him, but he likes the way it sounds. "No, I'm...I'm Gabriel."
The man is reaching out to him, wants to shake his hand, and it takes everything Gabriel has to reach up and take it.
"I'm Michael. Nice to meet you."
"Michael." The name rolls off Gabriel's tongue. "I haven't heard that name for so long. Everyone's called Mike."
Michael smiles, a brilliant white smile which creases around his blue eyes. "Well, my last name is Hunt."
Gabriel is puzzled for a moment before he says the name in his head and cracks up. He gasps at his own laugh, ringing out when anybody could hear. The man is still smiling, and giggling at him. He's cute. He has blonde hair and bright eyes, and dimples where he smiles. “Your parents must have hated you.”
“It’s the only possible explanation.” Michael leans on the fence. His arms are tanned and toned and Gabriel can see a patch of chest hair where one too many buttons has come undone on his blue plaid shirt. “So, I didn’t know two people lived here, but Lisa across the street said…” He pauses and Gabriel can see a blush rise to his cheeks. “Sorry, you must think I’m a real gossip.”
“No! No, it’s just…. Matt’s my husband, he’s very protective. He’s in law enforcement and …he worries about revenge, that kind of thing.”
Matt’s reasoning had been thin at best, and now Gabriel has cause to repeat it, it sounds a little sinister.
“Of course. So, what do you do?”
“I used to restore timepieces but now….I stay at home. I’m a …homemaker I guess.” He lets his head drop, embarrassed.
“Wow, hard job. I don’t envy you.”
Gabriel shrugged. “It can be pretty hard, and it gets lonely sometimes.”
“Well, if you ever want company during the day, I work from home. I’m an illustrator. Children’s books.”
That would be great, but I don’t think I can. Gabriel wants to say the words, but at the same time, he doesn’t. He tries to think around the sentence, make his brain blank it out. He nods, and it’s a tiny victory. “I’d like that.”
…
When Matt gets home, Gabriel starts to panic. He shouldn’t, because all the laundry is done, and dry, and ironed and put away. The house is clean and dinner is ready, and Gabriel is dressed okay. The only black spot on the perfection that he presents to his husband is that part of his mind which can’t seem to erase the image of Michael, leaning over the fence and smiling at him. The more he tries to disguise it, the more it comes to the foreground. When they sit down to dinner, he tries to meet the subject head on.
“I met our neighbour today. Michael.” Gabriel tries to keep his voice steady as Matt looks at him, slightly inclining his head.
“Oh yeah? Did you talk to him?”
Gabriel swallows a mouthful of casserole and nods gently. “For a few minutes. He seems nice.”
“Mmm.” Matt loses interest and goes back to eating, and Gabriel takes a deep breath.
…
Sometimes, Gabriel gets brave. His ten minutes talking to Michael have been the highlight of the day all this week, and although Matt is off work today, he doesn’t want to give it up. So he goes to the garden when Michael is out there, and prunes the roses.
“Hey!” Michael calls over, looking happy to see him.
“Hey.” Gabriel smiles, and blushes at the thought that crosses his mind as he sees how tight Michael’s tshirt is today. “How are you?”
“I’m good. How are you?”
To anyone else this might be small talk, but not to Gabriel. He doesn’t get to talk to people that often - the only time he really goes out is to buy groceries and the staff there are not exactly chatty. They rush you through the checkouts, paper or plastic and you’re done. “I’m…fine.” He doesn’t mean to leave the pause, and when he sees Michael tilt his head I reaction, he starts to overcompensate. “I’m fine! Really! I…”
Stopping himself, he starts clipping the roses back. He wants Michael to say something but there’s nothing but silence until Matt yells from the house.
“Gabe! Can you come inside?”
Gabriel drops the pruning shears and shakes himself awake. “See you soon.” He mumbles to Michael, rushing inside. He doesn’t want to look back, and see how disgusted Michael is with his weakness. He steps into the house and chill runs down his spine when he sees Matt and realises who he is thinking about.
“Talking to your friend?” Matt loads the comment with guilt and accusation and Gabriel is suddenly terrified.
“I wouldn’t call him a friend, we were just saying hello. What do you need?”
When Matt looks confused, Gabriel clarifies. “You called me in, what do you need?”
“Oh. Er…”
You didn’t need anything, Gabriel thinks. You just wanted me away from him.
Matt shoots him a look. “Lunch. I wanted lunch, it’ll be twelve by the time you’re done.” He walks away and ends the conversation.
…
The next morning, Matt looks guilty. He kisses him tenderly and hangs his head a little when they hug goodbye. When he’s sure Matt is far away enough, he searches his memory, trying to see what he’s guilty for. There’s nothing there, but something is different, something that scuttles away from him as he reaches for it.
He’s about to go out to the garden to see if Michael’s there when he realises it’s only 5.30am. He goes back to bed and sets his alarm for seven, listing the chores he has to do. Today is Monday. Monday is baking day. He doesn’t know what to bake, but he has books. Cakes maybe, he could make cakes. He lies back, and it seems only seconds before his alarm goes off. He has to shower, get dressed, clean the shower, tidy the bedroom, make his breakfast, clean the dishes from breakfast. Then he can start to bake. Monday is baking day.
It’s one in the afternoon when the list is done. Gabriel checks himself in the mirror, and then goes to the garden. He’s only out there for a few minutes, pulling a couple of weeds, when Michael appears. His stomach flips and he smiles when he sees Michael’s face light up. “Hi!” He calls, dropping the dead weeds on the ground.
“Hi! Something smells amazing!” Michael is wearing a cream shirt with green pinstripes on it, it’s clingy in places and Gabriel yearns to touch it.
“I made cakes. Would you like some?” Without waiting for an answer he darts inside and puts four cupcakes into a Tupperware dish. He has smelled the rich aroma of good coffee coming from Michael’s kitchen, so he has made four coffee cakes as well as the chocolate ones that Matt likes. He had stood staring at the coffee jar for twenty minutes before taking the plunge. Coffee is good, Matt won’t notice it’s missing. Matt doesn’t have to know.
He hands the cakes over with pride and can’t disguise his pleasure when Michael opens the lid of the Tupperware and moans at the scent. “Oh man, they smell so good. Thank you so much.”
“It’s nothing…” Gabriel blushes. He looks Michael in the eye and their gaze lasts just a second too long. Suddenly, Gabriel feels a cold feeling spread across his stomach and bolts into the house, barely making it to the bathroom before he vomits. He spits out sour saliva and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. He gets up to wash out his mouth and apologise to Michael for running off but as he thinks of him his guts clench again and he heaves. Anger boiling inside him he stares into the mirror above the sink. He thinks of his mother, his father, Matt. Then he thinks of Michael and sure enough his stomach sends him reeling to the toilet again. When there is nothing left to throw up he collapses onto the floor and sobs.
…
He doesn’t see Michael again for a week. Then one evening the doorbell rings and there is he, holding out the Tupperware box. “Michael…I…You didn’t need to bring this back.”
“Well, I haven’t seen you and I wanted to invite you and Matt to my place for game night on Saturday.” Michael’s eyes shift to look over Gabriel’s shoulder and he flinches to see Matt there.
“Saturday? Oh I’m sorry, I’m working.” Matt smiles, one hand at Gabriel’s back. “But I bet Gabe would love to, right honey?”
Gabriel looks at him incredulously. “Without you?”
Matt laughs. “Why not? Save you sitting here by yourself.”
Gabriel looks back at Michael. “Er, sure I’d love to.”
“Great! See you there about eight?”
Gabriel nods, and notices the sick feeling is gone. He watches Michael go and looks at Matt for an explanation. “You want me to go over there alone?”
Matt smiles and squeezes his shoulder a little too hard. “Where’s the harm? You’ll have fun.” He heads back into the living room, and Gabriel closes the front door, wondering what the hell just happened.
…
It’s a trap, he’s sure of it. Gabriel brushes his teeth and thinks about Matt. He had left for work at 6pm, a night shift. He’ll be alone tonight, and he’ll be with other people. Michael. Since he was invited to game night he longer gets sick when he thinks about him, and this scares Gabriel more than anything.
When he arrives at Michael’s door, his host looks ecstatic to see him. His smile is wide, his eyes sparkle and he squeezes Gabriel on the arm as he leads him inside. His place is nice, it looks….Gabriel can’t think of the word. Nice? No, he shakes his head. A word other than nice. Nice? He shakes his head again.
“Are you okay?” Michael handing him a beer.
“Yeah.” Gabriel smiles as he takes it. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
In the living room there are a few people he knows, Lisa from across the street, and Geoff and Tammy from on the corner. Michael introduces them all, but their names won’t stick. He just nods and smiles. The first game is Scrabble. The tiles come out and Gabriel looks at them. His turn is here, the board has tiles on it but he can’t make a word. He knows he should be able to, the game’s only just started and he has a good rack of letters. He looks at his tiles, and the board. Nothing. There’s no word he can make. He glances up, and the others are looking at him, expecting. They all took moments to make their plays and he’s still sitting here.
“You wanna pass?” someone says. Who is that?
Gabriel just nods. “Yeah, I got nothing. Excuse me one minute.” He gets up and goes to the kitchen. The kitchen is nice. He tries to think back to his tiles, can he make the word nice? He closes his eyes, and wonders when he became so stupid. This was a terrible idea. He can’t play games with these people because he’s too stupid. He should never have come here, never have come here without Matt. He’s about to leave when a hand touches his shoulder.
“Hey, are you alright?” Michael looks him in the eye, concerned. “We can play something different, it’s not important.”
“I….” Gabriel knows the word ‘important’ but right now it makes no sense to him. Important. What is that?”
“Actually, I was wondering, since you’re here….I hate to do this to you but you mentioned you restored timepieces and I was wondering if you could take a look at my Grandfather’s pocket watch. Hasn’t worked in years but I figured you might know what’s wrong with it.”
Gabriel finds himself nodding and Michael grins. “Great! Give me a sec.”
Gabriel’s head swims. The kitchen is nice. Michael is nice. Scrabble is hard. He was leaving, wasn’t he? Why is he still here? He starts to leave the kitchen but then Michael is there with a pocket watch. He’s talking, but Gabriel can’t understand most of what he says. He takes the watch and opens the back.
Cogs. Coils. Springs. He nudges them with his finger and suddenly something within him sparks. “Tweezers. Do you have some?” He asks.
Michael runs off and returns with slanted eyebrow tweezers. Gabriel lifts a cog, moves it, digs out some dust, tightens a screw, replaces another cog. Suddenly, day breaks over his consciousness. It’s almost like he can hear his synapses firing, making links, forging pathways. He straightens a spring and he gets back a fight he and Matt had two years ago. He replaces a stray cog and he remembers how hates the sweater he’s wearing. His memory flexes and it feels like that metal band that is fixed around it is straining. That tight feeling he gets when he tries to reach for a thought is gone, broken, snapped. He works for five, maybe ten minutes, the tweezers moving quickly until suddenly the watch workings come to life. It ticks, the coils wind, the cogs move. He clicks the back onto the watch and looks up. Michael is there, and he’s smiling.
“Oh my God, you did it! I thought it was beyond repair!” Michael holds the watch to his ear and marvels at the face telling the right time.
“That was a quick job, you bring it to me when I’ve got my tools and I’ll fix it properly, make sure it never seizes up again. It’s an old mechanism, looks like in the past someone’s replaced one of the self-winding coils with a cheaper, newer part and it’s not up to the job. I might have a part which will work better with a watch this age, I’ll check.” Gabriel grins and Michael looks at him with surprise. “What?”
Michael giggles. “I think that’s the most you’ve ever said since we met.”
Gabriel smiles shyly. “Oh I don’t mean to be stoic, I just…” Stoic. Gabriel puts an arm around Michael’s shoulder and leads him out of the kitchen. “Come on, I think I have some catching up to do.”
Stoic. He places the tiles on the board and gets more. Facile. Doting. Elliptical. He wins easily and Geoff smiles in admiration.
“Looks like we got us a hustler here. Maybe Hungry Hungry Hippos will even this race out, how’s your trigger finger Gabriel?”
Gabriel laughs, it’s a rich, wonderful sound and his whole face lights up. “Bring it on, I’m feeling good.”
…
Gabriel took another swig of his beer and sat back contentedly. He felt free for the first time in years. He heard the door click and suddenly realised he was the last one left. The clock chimed one am. Sunday. Bathroom cleaning day - except Gabriel didn’t give a fuck anymore. Bathroom cleaning day? Who even thinks like that?
Michael came back from seeing off Geoff and Tammy and settled into the sofa. “Man, I had fun tonight.”
“Me too.” Gabriel looked at the clock again. “I should let you get to bed, it’s late.”
“No…I mean, it’s not that late, just stay for a little longer, we barely got to talk tonight.” Michael turned his body towards him and tilted his head coquettishly. “You really…surprised me, I mean usually you’re so quiet and measured and tonight…I dunno.”
Gabriel raised his eyebrows and smirked. “You don’t like me this way?”
Grinning, Michael reached out to pat Gabriel’s leg. “I like it much better. You have a great dirty laugh, and you’re funny. You’re smart, I never knew you were smart.”
“I think I’ve been holding back for a long time. To be honest I haven’t spent any time with anyone other than Matt for years.” Gabriel took a drink, waiting for Michael to ask the uncomfortable question.
“Why do you have to hold back?”
Michael’s hand was still on his leg, and Gabriel had no intention of asking him to move it. “Maybe I won’t anymore.” He looked into Michael’s eyes. I’ve come so far tonight. He thought. Meet me half way.
“Gabriel…I…” Michael squeezed his leg and Gabriel leaned in to kiss him, sighing with relief when he reciprocated. They settled together, their bodies entwined awkwardly but neither one wanting to move an inch and break the spell. As they kissed Gabriel felt himself letting go of stray thoughts one by one until there was nothing but Michael’s hands in his hair, Michael’s body heat warming him, Michael’s tongue on his. His brain was feeling someone lit a sparkler and threw it in, and all the time the memories kept coming. Gabriel moaned as every touch of Michael’s tongue gave him a fragment of a previous kiss or caress. He always thought he was inexperienced and awkward but he flashes images and sounds that tell him otherwise; moans and expressions, fingernails digging into him. Michael whimpered beneath him and he growled into his mouth. “I want you. Michael, I want you now.”
Michael tugged on his shirt collar as he got up from the couch, walking backwards and sending Scrabble tiles scattering as he knocked the box from the table. Gabriel gripped his hand as if at any moment he might turn to smoke and disappear, Michael leading him through the house and up the stairs.
When they reached the bedroom, Michael seemed to hesitate. “What about….” His words were cut off as Gabriel kissed him, unbuttoning his shirt with shaking hands.
“Don’t think about him, don’t. I’m not.” Gabriel pushed Michael’s shirt off his shoulders and started to lick and suck at his neck. He grinned as Michael whimpered again and nipped at his earlobe as he pushed him towards the bed.
Michael smiled at him. “You’re sure, right?”
Gabriel answered him by stripping slowly, his confidence rising with every hungry look that Michael threw him. His partner shucked his own clothes without taking his eyes off him, and shuffled back on the bed, legs apart. Gabriel moved slowly to him, settling between his thighs and letting his back arch as he bent to run his tongue over Michael’s abs. He gave a shy glance up, only half believing what was happening, and caught Michael’s gaze. “What?”
Michael smiled and folded his arms behind his head. “Nothing, please continue.”
Gabriel smirked back and crawled up to kiss Michael deeply, sighing when their bodies rested together. “You want this, right?”
Michael nodded, his eyes shining. “Right.”
**
Pulling the front door behind him, Gabriel tipped his head to listen. “Matt?”
It was 5.30 am, and the house was silent. Matt wasn’t home yet. Gabriel darted to the shower, scrubbing although he longed to keep Michael’s scent on him. He threw last night’s clothes into the machine along with some of Matt’s and turned it on.
Settling at the kitchen table once the coffee was on, Gabriel started to think. He didn’t know how Matt was going to react to him when he returned. Would he know he had remembered? Would be bother to search his memory or would he be so complacent that he wouldn’t try? He wandered into the back yard, glancing over at Michael’s place, still shrouded in darkness.
“You’re up early!”
Gabriel’s head jerked to see his neighbour on the other side, Margaret. She worked shifts as a nurse and he saw her sometimes when Matt was on nights. He looked at her and smiled. “Morning Margaret.”
I saw you coming back from Michael’s this morning. Naughty boy.
Gabriel stared. Margaret’s lips hadn’t moved but he had heard that clear as a bell. Was he going crazy?
“Did you go to game night last night?” She asked.
“Yes. Yes, it was..fun.”
I bet it was. “Great! I’ll have to try and make the next one. Bye!” She waved as she went back into her house.
Gabriel only had time for a breath before he heard the front door close and Matt step into the hall.
“Gabriel? Is there any coffee?”
Gabriel made his way into the house and tried to calm himself. It wouldn’t do to look like he was nervous. “There is, let me get you one. Good night at work?”
Matt looked confused for a minute, then shook his head slightly. “Yeah, okay. Do we have some aspirin? Argh!” He doubled over gripping his head and Gabriel dug his nails into his hand to stop himself from doing the same as the feedback rang through his skull.
“Are you okay?” Gabriel asked with mock concern as he went to his husband. “Matt what is it?”
Matt looked up momentarily before grasping his head again. “Argh! What - what’s happening, did you - “
Gabriel met his gaze. “Did I what?” He had never seen Matt look so scared. He tried not to smile as he saw a bead of sweat appear on his forehead.
“Nothing. I’m gonna lie down for a while.” Matt left like he couldn’t wait to get out of Gabriel’s way, and there was something very satisfying about the sound of him stumbling as he climbed the stairs. Gabriel felt his coffee cup warm in his hand and looked down at it. He could have sworn it was further down the kitchen counter.
To be continued