13 - Voice

[takeyouapart]

I only just realised that I haven't actually....well, this isn't writing, I don't know what you'd call it. Saying hello? I haven't done anything like this for more than two months. That's not great, is it? I don't mean to be a wallflower, I don't think I'm secretive, not here. I talk to other people, but...

I s'pose it doesn't come naturally to me.

Comments

[Private]

[worstsongever]

Hey - yeah, sure. [Chin scratch, what is up Merlin.] I'm free.

[Private]

[takeyouapart]

Thanks. Could I meet you in the CES in an hour?

[Private]

[worstsongever]

Yeah, sure. I'll meet you there. [With her bag to hide her horrible Item in. :|]

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[So somewhere between that agreement and Merlin's arrival in the CES, Capa drops the bomb that Hayley has actually-permanently-for-reals gone. Which is kind of a punch in the gut: not just for the uncomplicated reason of losing one of his oldest friends on the Barge, but for the mild relief of losing a girlfriend and the guilt that immediately attends that thought.

He recognises the CES as a meadow that was near his hometown, half-enclosed in the bend of a river; there's blue sky overhead and black cloud on the horizon because the British autumn lives to mock whatever your clothing choices were on any given morning. He's giving serious thought to just leaving and sending his apologies when Olive appears; he offers a weaker smile than usual, and waves.]

[Spam]

[worstsongever]

[Her Item gets slipped into her bag before she even walks inside, and she returns that smile, not really sure what to do about that Hayley-bomb. Olive barely knew her.]

Hey. So what's up?

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He can feel himself faltering before he's even said anything. It's a difficult subject to even think about, never mind talk about, and impossible to just...wade into.]

I. Were you affected by the last flood? Where people had different Inmates suddenly, and they...that one.

[Spam]

[worstsongever]

No, I got lucky. Skipped right over me. Plus, Heero was still coma'd out then, so it's probably a good thing he didn't just disappear off my Item. Were you? [Don't chicken out now, Merlin. Largely because she will be so confused.]

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[HE'S TRYING ALRIGHT.] Yeah, I was assigned to Valmont. Um - tall, English, long white hair, wears a green suit mostly? He doesn't talk very much on the network but I doubt you could miss him.

[Spam]

[worstsongever]

Yeah, I think I've seen him around. Don't think I've said more than like, two words to him, though. What's he like? [Or whaaat was he getting at, that was what she really wanted to know. :|a]

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

He's...nice. Friendly enough, clever. Can talk down his nose a bit, but he's alright.

[Stop orbiting the subject, Merlin. It's bad enough that he chose Olive to come to about this for the reasons he has: specifically, that she seems nice and probably won't overreact, but if she does then he won't be losing a friend he's known for a long time.]

And we, um. There was a flood a while ago, and...something happened. [Try to be more vague.] It wasn't really me, it wasn't really either of us, but...it happened. And now he thinks I'm...

[He trails off. He literally can't think of the right word. All he can grasp is that 'sodomites' is probably not cool.]

[Spam]

[worstsongever]

[And the trailing off leaves Olive fishing. He's...She pursed her lips.] A wizard? A manservant? A...Camelotian? I'm just going to say things you are until you--

[Wait. Waaaait. If she squinted, he looked a little like Brandon. (Well not really, but the point being...)] ...Gay?

[Spam]

[takeyouapart]

[Merlin makes a noise that's almost laughter at 'Camelotian', but the way he flinches on the last suggestion makes it clear that deep down he did know the word after all.]

Yes.

[spam]

[worstsongever]

[Oh wow, a flinch and everything. Olive puffed out her cheeks, rubbing the back of her head.] Well, you said it wasn't you - and I mean frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if we had a sexual orientation switcheroo of a flood - so I mean. Are you?

[spam]

[takeyouapart]

I...

[Merlin's taken physical hits that hurt less than having to answer that question. But he's taking Valmont's suggestion to heart - he can address this here and get it dealt with in an environment where he's not going to get locked up or worse for even raising the subject.]

If. If it was possible that I was, is there any way - I mean, in your time - is there any way that I could stop it happening? Fix it?

[And this is the tangent of the conversation that he wasn't about to have with Valmont. It...still hasn't really sunk in that sexuality is as much an inborn trait as his magic.]

[spam]

[worstsongever]

[Oh dear God could it be more awkward. Olive tugs at her earlobe, pursing her lip for a moment.] It isn't something that needs fixing. I mean, you'll probably get a different opinion from way too many Republicans - sorry. As far as I'm concerned - I mean, as far as I know, it's not something you can change. Why should you change who you like?

[spam]

[takeyouapart]

Because I want just one thing in my life to be normal!

[That came out...not snappish, but rather more impassioned than intended. He frowns and looks away, immediately guilty.]

Sorry. I - sorry.

[He covers his face with both hands for a moment, then pushes them through his hair; his whole body is one taut thread of tension. His conversation with Valmont was calming for a while but since then his thoughts have been spiralling a bit.]

I shouldn't have brought it up. I didn't mean to put this on you.