(no subject)
i am just going to say what i want to say, for the first time without holding back. dont be offended, just listen.
first of all it happened just the way i thought so. i became the girl i didnt want to become. i became the quiet shy good friend girl that once you throw a few alcoholic drinks in the mix becomes this uncontrollable flirty girl who is on top of the world. thats how ive felt for most of the weekends here at dayton, and dont get me wrong i love feeling like im unstoppable and untouchable when everything in my life makes me feel just the opposite completely sober, but how do you do such a 180? why am i not the same person who can express what she really wants to express? why can i not say what i really want to say without drinking? so back to the point, i became the weird dayton girl. all my friends went to uc, except one who went to xu. cool, now im the first to leave, and am 45 minutes away. sweet. ive never felt so scared to leave. yeah i wanted to get out, cincinnati's cool, but theres more out there. so i left and loved it. then reality set in. its hard to stay in touch, especially when you leave and youre fighting with someone you valued so highly in your life and who made you feel absolutely misserable most of the time. i like to put up a good front, really i do....i gotta say im good at it too nobody ever knows what im thinking but thats not good. that doesnt help you, trust me it only hurts worse later when you cant figure out why nobody understands why you cant breathe and doesnt even notice half the time your in way over your head. so really dont ever become the weird out of town girl. i love my college but theyre not ever going to understand and i dont know what to do about this horrible feeling of not being able to talk to them. i miss them and i miss my old life, it was good and i dont know what to do with this new one. this feeling in my stomache hurts so much because its not a good one and give me a chill down my spine.
secondly being in college and not wanting a boyfriend but having a guy you can see yourself with, SUCKS. he is an amazing guy and has been really good to me and i keep stringing him along like a sad puppy. i love him but am i in love with him? is that why i cant do anything without thinking about him? is that why i can see us older and still together? or why do i want to be single so bad? why am i risking him for some crazy nights of fun that really all only end with me thinking about him and having someone take my phone so i dont call him. i miss him and want to see him and he didnt call me tonight and i thought he would and his family hates me now because i cant decide and that kills me.
this is too much headache for one night. takeing more medicine before i die from strep and then going to write my paper and pass out into sleep. goodnight and peace.
first of all it happened just the way i thought so. i became the girl i didnt want to become. i became the quiet shy good friend girl that once you throw a few alcoholic drinks in the mix becomes this uncontrollable flirty girl who is on top of the world. thats how ive felt for most of the weekends here at dayton, and dont get me wrong i love feeling like im unstoppable and untouchable when everything in my life makes me feel just the opposite completely sober, but how do you do such a 180? why am i not the same person who can express what she really wants to express? why can i not say what i really want to say without drinking? so back to the point, i became the weird dayton girl. all my friends went to uc, except one who went to xu. cool, now im the first to leave, and am 45 minutes away. sweet. ive never felt so scared to leave. yeah i wanted to get out, cincinnati's cool, but theres more out there. so i left and loved it. then reality set in. its hard to stay in touch, especially when you leave and youre fighting with someone you valued so highly in your life and who made you feel absolutely misserable most of the time. i like to put up a good front, really i do....i gotta say im good at it too nobody ever knows what im thinking but thats not good. that doesnt help you, trust me it only hurts worse later when you cant figure out why nobody understands why you cant breathe and doesnt even notice half the time your in way over your head. so really dont ever become the weird out of town girl. i love my college but theyre not ever going to understand and i dont know what to do about this horrible feeling of not being able to talk to them. i miss them and i miss my old life, it was good and i dont know what to do with this new one. this feeling in my stomache hurts so much because its not a good one and give me a chill down my spine.
secondly being in college and not wanting a boyfriend but having a guy you can see yourself with, SUCKS. he is an amazing guy and has been really good to me and i keep stringing him along like a sad puppy. i love him but am i in love with him? is that why i cant do anything without thinking about him? is that why i can see us older and still together? or why do i want to be single so bad? why am i risking him for some crazy nights of fun that really all only end with me thinking about him and having someone take my phone so i dont call him. i miss him and want to see him and he didnt call me tonight and i thought he would and his family hates me now because i cant decide and that kills me.
this is too much headache for one night. takeing more medicine before i die from strep and then going to write my paper and pass out into sleep. goodnight and peace.