It's always you in my big dreams... <3
Hmm. Well, this past weekend I went to havelock (4hrs away) with mary where philip lives (idk why i explain all of this stuff. i think christina is the only one who reads this anyway and she knows all the nitty gritty. anyway. i'm going to continue) and I stayed with him all weekend. Obviously we had sex the whole weekend, but saturday night (he'd been drinking a little) we were in the bedroom and we were cuddling and kissing, but it was that gentle sort of kissing and I was like "god i hate my life." and he asked why and I was like "you're just... you.. you make my life so difficult" and he was like "I dont want to do that... why do i make it difficult?" and I just was silent. and he was like. "maybe this is a long shot, but i think i know what you're feeling cause I'd really like to have a relationship with you but (he said something and idk what it was)" but i just was shaking my head yes and said "you know how many times I almost call you baby?" and he said "I don't mind." and i was quite again and so he lifts my face up to his and starts kissing me slowly and gently and then we shift our bodies and such and we're making out and stuff and it was just so sweet and gentle.
Then later that night he was playing 12string acoustic guitar and singing and i was laying on the bed facing him and he was playing soft emotional songs and he puts the guitar down and starts telling me about his life (it sounds odd,but it fit the timing and such) and i found out a lot about him and so he finished and was like "so what about you. tell me something" so i gave him my life story as well, and i got emotional about my mother and such and i finished and he kissed me. and we started doing that gentle making out again and we got up on the bed and he was looking me in the eyes and starts kissing me again and running his fingers over my skin and all and we start having sex. but it wasn't sex. it was more of.. .making love. which sounds so fucked because we're not even dating but... I dont think I've ever had that kind of sex even when i was with stephen. We were looking in each others eyes and it was passionate and and.. amazing.
Then sunday night Mary and Kenny came over and when they left we were in the kitchen kissing and he starts swaying us like at a middle school slow dance. He grabs my face and looks me in the eyes and says "you're so beautiful." and I got emotional and i felt the tears coming (because he's MOVING. AND SO FUCKING FAR AWAY!!!!!!!) and he was like "you don't believe me do you." i was silent. and he goes "you should. you're so beautiful..." and the tears started to spill. He wiped them away and started kissing me again, that soft kissing thing, and the tears wouldn't stop and i was getting stuffy and so i pulled back and went to the bathroom to try to pull it together and when i went back out he was in the bedroom and i got up in bed wth him and he was like "you know.. i think we should be together." and i shook my head yes. and he was like "idk how you feel" and i was quiet because I was gonna start crying again and he was like "do me a favor. let you defenses down. let me in a little" and so i was like "what do you want to know? that i like you and and want to be with you?" and he laughed and was like "yeah. that works" and the convo continued on. but basically he's not moving to Arkansas, he's just going there for the week and then he's gonna come back and start over (so he says). But where we're at now is that when he gets back from Arkansas I'm going to visit again and we're going to start dating. =]
We went fishing sunday during the day. it was so cute. it was a boat like the notebook. and i met his family and i LOVED them.
I'm just terrified i'm going to hurt him...