(no subject)
I haven't written in a long time. I am hoping this will somehow organize my thoughts. I feel like a part of me is lost. I used to be so sure about who I am, what I like and want. But now its like im grasping at every little thing that comes by and could possibly be the right path. Maybe this is what its like being in my 20s. I used to like being blown around in the wind. But now it gives me so much anxiety. I feel trapped in my house, in myself. These four walls protect me from making decisions and facing reality, time going by. I don't even know how I feel in my relationship. I always knew my heart before. I just feel so tired of hurting and struggling to find peace. Everything seems so superficial now. I can't deeply feel anything. Maybe its time to go home. Go somewhere easy and familiar. I am tired of trying to build a house out of matchsticks. I miss people that I love. But its also soo scary to go back when everything is gone. To start from scratch. Its not the same as in a foreign country. Its expected here. But back home, I have absolutely nothing, and I am like everyone else.
Then there is him. I can't figure out why I can't let Matt in. I am scared I will be fooled again. I will lose myself in some image of who I want him to be and in the end he turns out to be too far from that. I am scared he is not letting me see the real him. And that he doesn't see the real me. His heart seems so good and honest, and I guess its hard for me to accept that. I was with so many people before that I thought had the same heart. And they ended up changing so drastically. My dads words always repeat in my head, "find a guy who will take care of you." He didn't say find someone who you are passionate about, or someone who challenges you or someone who even makes you laugh. It was a simple thing to my dad, find someone who will protect you. I know in my heart that is one thing Matt would do. He would do anything for me because its just who he is. I just fear that this quality of his will go too far one day. I will get trapped, I will lose my outside world. I feel a mess. I want to let him be my rock, that one true thing in this constantly fluid environment. I am just scared of things I will lose or miss out on if I get too caught up in him. I need to get out of this town. With him.
Then there is him. I can't figure out why I can't let Matt in. I am scared I will be fooled again. I will lose myself in some image of who I want him to be and in the end he turns out to be too far from that. I am scared he is not letting me see the real him. And that he doesn't see the real me. His heart seems so good and honest, and I guess its hard for me to accept that. I was with so many people before that I thought had the same heart. And they ended up changing so drastically. My dads words always repeat in my head, "find a guy who will take care of you." He didn't say find someone who you are passionate about, or someone who challenges you or someone who even makes you laugh. It was a simple thing to my dad, find someone who will protect you. I know in my heart that is one thing Matt would do. He would do anything for me because its just who he is. I just fear that this quality of his will go too far one day. I will get trapped, I will lose my outside world. I feel a mess. I want to let him be my rock, that one true thing in this constantly fluid environment. I am just scared of things I will lose or miss out on if I get too caught up in him. I need to get out of this town. With him.