in which you shine like stars in the universe.
Have been thinking a lot about things lately and how I have been feeling so desperate to change the way I do things and who I am. I am constantly aware that I need some sort of overhaul -- perhaps this is because I am constantly aware of the impeding, well, not necessarily impeding sin, as if I'm stumbling somewhere horendously, but more of an impeding sin of omission hanging over me. I am not doing enough good. I'm also really aware of my witness towards people. I know everyone has this whole "be yourself" and "don't care what people think of you" complex (find me a children's movie that doesn't stress that) but really, I mean, there's nowhere in the bible that even slightly suggests a shade of that. It mostly just says to die to self and hide your life in Christ and become like Him and have His personality. It also says a lot about avoiding even the appearence of evil. The thing is to not be self-conscious, but instead be God-conscious. Walk into a room and feel not the introverted awkwardness rising up inside of you, but feel the joy of God as strength in your voice.
Our water heater blew out on Monday. I believe it was made sometime in the 1940s which would give it a pretty good excuse to give out. The men came to fix it today and install a new one, which took nearly all day because my great-grandparents decided it would be interesting to have the original plumber weld the water heater into the floor. The plumber told my parents that never in his life had he seen such a water heater installed. I mostly stayed in my room all day an did Algebra and sort of got cabin fever a bit (I thought this was impossible since I am a semi-hermit, but the hermit lifestyle is only enjoyable if self-afflicted and not a product of avoiding strange people at your house who are carefully ripping welded fixtures from your floor). I spent the rest of the afternoon searching through MBTI websites trying to gain more knowledge from them because I've been searching for something on a social level. I am becoming more and more of an introvert because I have been attending more and more parties. I ended up declinding one and feeling bad about it but I get uncomfortable if I have to go somewhere every weekend. It's hard because I love people dearly and I'm trying to connect with them but sometimes it feels like I'm on another planet calling out to them, or in some other dimension trying to press into theirs. I guess I've always felt like I'm supposed to understand them perfectly. I've been watching a lot of Doctor Who lately and I look at people like Ten does. I almost feel like I'm not human and I'm looking at them from a detached perspective, but they're fascinating and I love them and I'd die for them. I just don't always feel like I'm one of them. I can relate to them and understand them, but sometimes it's not on a personal level like I feel I should. And I'm trying to figure out if that's bad or not.
I wish holiness was a coat we could wear and that the glory of God was a blanket we could spread across our beds at night. That would be awful in a way though, for them to be tied down solely to materialistic modes. But it's a lot harder to fight for holiness because no one wants it. Everyone wants peace and liberty and the rights to do this or say that, but no one wants holiness because it's hard. And yet it is so very much like a coat -- like our breastplate of righteousness, except that holiness keeps out the biting cold of transgressions. And everywhere I turn I see people hurling the most awful things at the image of God. And it is sad and I know it grieves the Lord greatly. But we dearly need holiness and the presence of God. They are lamps in a starless night.