i was born to love, i'm gonna learn to love without fear.
This past Monday we had the Basic 2 Rally at Cast. It was one of the greatest things I've ever experienced and taken part in. On the one hand, it was a day I struggled through, questioning everything that happened and doubting my intentions, but it was also a day when I realised that suddenly everything materialisticly and emotionally that I had been holding onto for so long was being ripped from me, and that now it is really just me and God.
The day was scheduled as starting out with the first half of the meeting, then splitting into small groups based on gender and grade, and then into workshops based on our talents and interests, and then back into the sanctuary for the second and final part of the meeting. The best thing about the meeting was the worship, I think. I'm not going to lie about worship; everyone at my church gets passionately into it--maybe because they're adults--and sometimes when I open my eyes and look around and can feel slightly out-of-place because my worship never seems quite so intense. But at the rally I really felt like it was okay, that God was there, and that the people leading worship were honestly humble. They were not the best musicians, nor the best worship leaders, and no one in the crowd was very into it, and yet something holy and something pure was there. Some honest feeling, some unspeakable love and truth and passion. And I cried out to God, oh God, I have nothing left anymore. Nothing left but these bones and this voice. Everything I was holding onto is gone. And He answered through the noise and the stillness. After worship, the Improv team came up (I wish I could explain in detail each skit, but it would take forever, but they were hilarious and adorable!), and then Chris, the leader of the YouthQuest team, got up and spoke about his testimony for awhile.
Lunch was sloppy joes while sitting next to Laney. I saw Krys; dear Krys! He's working at Abercrombie now and doesn't have any time for drama. I miss him so much. Afterwards we were all called onto the basketball court to learn a dance taught by a very skilled breakdancer. I was in the back, and couldn't see his feet, so me and a girl I had just met named Brooke attempted to make stuff up to look like we knew what we were are doing. We are really white. I think I finally gave up after awhile. Then we all split up for small groups out on the court, and ran inside to get started.
Small groups was amazing. If there's one thing in Christianity that never gets taught on enough, it's agape love. And that's what Basic 2 Rally was about (basic 2 things that are important to a Christian walk: loving God and loving others). So in small groups we all discussed what Chris had said during the meeting, and our group leader (Ashley I think her name was) took us through different scriptures on love, and we all passed around our thoughts and stories about times in our lives when we had to walk in love and how we worked through struggles. And so I started sharing some of my stories, and all of the sudden I had this realisation that in that moment my prayers were being answered. I had just been asking God for an oppurtunity to discuss with people my age at Cast. The trouble with Cast is that when you go, all you do is act, dance, and sing for three and a half hours. You don't get to talk much or make close friends, much less really share your heart with anyone. But as I was speaking I looked up and realised about nine girls who I love and respect were all sitting quietly and listening to what I was saying, and then sharing their responses to it, and all of the sudden I was just floored and felt so humbled and blessed. And I'll never forget Charissa's bright face sitting across from me, nodding at me, and responding with her own stories. It's these things I can't forget, these things that stave off the sickest forms of loneliness. It was one of the best things, seriously, ever.
For the workshops I had signed up for Drama/Improv earlier in the morning, though I had struggled between that and missions. Drama was the first workshop to fill up, and Mrs. De's room was full when it was time to start. The improv team is so cutely geeky, including Mrs. De's daughter Katie. After messing around for awhile, they started asking for volunteers. I was the first one to get picked. :P Me and Katie did an improv skit about sky diving, which was so much fun. Then they did a circus skit with Samantha's brother Lukas as the ring leader's assistant and Katie as an elephant, and "House Party" with Katie as Simba, Hillary as a microwave, and a boy I don't really know as a foot model. It was kind of awesome.
We then were told we could go to another workshop, either music or dance. Dance was going back and learning the breakdance routine, which I really couldn't do at all, and music seemed the obvious choice anyway. It was really great because each member of the band got up and shared a bit about their testimony, why they love music, and a lot of good advice for not only musicians, but writers and artists as well.
Then we all came together for the second part of the meeting, very much like the first. And then it was over, and we all waited around for an hour or so we could go to Cherry's. The entire four hours spent at Cherry's could fill up a whole entire other blog post, but in short I sat with several of my friends, as well as John Bradley, the electirc guitarist and lead singer of the band. He was one of the best company I've ever had at dinner, for not only was he very witty and down-to-eath, but he was handsome and lively. (And he likes Phil Wickham!) Mrs. De had ordered karoke, and after many cheesy songs were song (John and Trey giving a rendition of "I Believe I Can Fly" and Sophia and the middle school girls singing "Benny and the Jets" and "L.o.v.e."), me, Mrs. De, and Kristi reminsced Oz with our version of Dancing in the Streets. Two of the band members, Rachel and one guy who's name I can't remember, got up to do a duet of A Whole New World. It might have been the best thing that happened that day. I don't remember laughing so hard before. :D She sung Aladdin's part with much gusto, and he sungs Jasmine's part in a crazy falsetto. The entire place was in an uproar of laughter. Everyone was exhausted after awhile, and after the company thinned out, me and my mother went home. We then realized we had to return the ice chest Cast had borrowed from McDonalds, and had to drive all the way back, which was an adventure itself.
There was so much more to the day, so many things I've had to leave out because I don't know how to get them down into words. The strange ways that my emotions can change from complete despair and desolation to joy and peace is something I can't explain. I have lost so much, so much, and yet I have gained a better understanding of everything, and found a stronger relationship with God. I've been thrown back into a church I can't understand, even though we all know we're supposed to be there; lost many of the people I dream about at night, that fill my mind all the time and who I love more than life itself; and lost all of my direction. Everything makes no sense, and yet feels more peaceful than ever before. And I know it's up to Him now, and I don't have to lean so hard on everything else.
The whole day was a blessing, even the heartache and the heartbreak and the bits that made no sense and had me wandering off into the woods, and watching the wind blow the leaves around beautifully and the light falling all around the trees, and asking God why, why now, why now of all times when I'm just starting to be able to stand again? Why do I have to be heartbroken again? But it was all beautiful, and I'm so thankful that the students could all come down and spend their spring break with us. It was really so much fun and a blessing.