Corrupt on the Inside

[tajisnipe]

Yesterday I wrote this big long entry and posted it, then made it private after I reread it. I realized it was too bad crazy and frenetic. To sum it up I'm being succesful in my life and yet I'm more unhappy and depressed than ever. I have all these problems coming from within me and I feel like my mind is working against itself. Self-hate and self-doubt are rising above me like a tsunami and I can't seem to find any way out from under it. I'm starting to feel that all attraction I feel towards anyone is corrupt and evil. Insidious and so utterly full of wrong. I've started thinking of dating as inflicting myself upon another and I really really don't feel good about this. I know what I can do about this. I can become a social only drinker. I can eat healthy and on a regular schedule. I can exercise. Any one of those would help tremendously and together they might even fix me. I can't do it. I can do so many things, but I haven't been able to do any of those. I wish I could explain. Why did I procrastinate my school work growing up? It's the same reason. The same nonreason that can't be put into words and fills me with despair.

I don't know. I guess it just doesn't feel right to me. Like I just don't do those things and doing them isn't being me and we should always be ourselves. And I guess my self will always torture me. God forbid I actually make my life easy. I mean, that would like, make sense and stuff.

So I'm back to the conclusion that I'm a fool and will always be a fool. After all, how can you rise above yourself when you are yourself?