Therapeutic for the self
Oh boy. Another post. Whee. Right?
Blech.
I know it has been forever since I posted. Livejournal kindly reminds me that in fact it has been 18 weeks. Which is like four and a half months. And yes, I recall that I had said I was trying to get back into things like this during that post. And the two or three previous it. I confess.
However! It can be hard at times, because I DO think about posting, a lot in fact. I think, a lot. And during this time I'm thinking about what I would care to post, I begin to in fact compose it. In my head. And then it seems unnecessary to post, as I've worked out whatever emotions were connected to it. That's the main reason I do this anymore.
The main reason I started this was because of an ex girlfriend (Paige, to those of you who know her), and after that, because it seemed like ALL of my friends were doing it, and hey, wasn't it just a neat way for others to keep in touch, sorta, when you weren't around. They knew how I was, what was going on in the brain, and I knew the same about them. Cozy, like.
However, for the most part, none of you are around anymore. You've either grown past it, or decided that Facebook or Myspace were the places for you. And I don't really care for either, too much. It probably came about because they both became big time hits during a time when I was crawling on a 56k internet access and some people can be extreme with their pages and my internet heart died loading a page.
It also is probably the fact that I am definitely more comfortably introverted than extroverted. I say "more" because there is an extrovert part to me. I just have to be comfortable, and for that, I need to feel okay with those I'm around, for the most part. Yeah, I'm crazy, but whatever. You are too. Everyone is, in some way.
So, anyway. I write now to sort things out in my head. Issues, problems, that sort of thing. Usually though I don't need to post anything because I have it all good by the time it's ready to go.
'Cept, things have been really tough, lately. I don't know as I can pin it down to one thing, but then I'm not convinced that any big problem is one thing. It's usually a knot of them telling you to fuck off. Or the like.
Moving out was a struggle. Sucked. Work and money have been problematic. Finances and bills are something I've been stressing over for the last 4 months. On and off, of course. Because it can't just be bad, it has to get good again so that when it plummets I can experience it all over again.
Moving back to my parents, even for the short term I mean it to be, feels like a huge defeat. Even with the sometimes bill stress I was having, I felt happier on my own. At least I was doing something then. Not much of something, but I was pushing forward, standing on my own two feet, and proclaiming at least that I could do it.
To put on top of that, I feel so god damn alone. I have for so long, now. Not in just a relationship sense, though there is definitely an aspect to it there, but in a friend sense.
Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of good friends out there. But none of us are as close as we were. That, or I feel like this last winter something happened where I don't know...I wasn't pushed out of the group of guys at the hobby shop, but maybe pushed myself out some. To me at least, there's a distance.
Nick and Chris, easily my two best friends in the area, are hard to get a hold of now. Neither has a cell phone, and only recently got a house number. While they're the ones without one, I'm the one that feels cut adrift, because no one calls mine. People get together and do things, but usually don't call me. I don't really get the feeling I'm unwelcome, just overlooked.
I hung out with Dawn and Eric a few times while Daniela was up, which was fun, but Dawn only just called me to do something Saturday, so that's a few weeks between :P. Hell, even Lisa was there one night. Which made me nervous at first to find out. Considering how things played out in the winter where she decided she wanted to avoid me. But in the end it was a lot of fun and there was a lot of her and I acting like the friends we were at one point. Made me miss that. I think that we made a good couple for a long time because we just had fun together. Really good friends that played off eachother. I think a big reason it ended was because I made a push for it to be a real relationship first and fun friend times second.
Stressed out because early tomorrow I'm taking some side work Joel offered me, roofing for this guy. I don't know the guy, but I trust Joel. At the same time, I'll admit here, I'm nervous a lot because the thought of going up on a possible two-story building tomorrow makes me jittery. I'm not the best person with heights anymore. I was when I was a kid, I loooooved climbing up the 35-40ft. roof of the shop we had in the back, or the 20-25 ft. jump from a trundle bridge while canoeing. That was all sorts of fun. Now? Knees want to lock up thinking about it. But I definitely could use the extra cash being offered, so time to man up.
Going out of my mind with reading. I have not a single book in the house worht reading right now. I just finished one and I've picked up 3-4 this evening, trying to go through it, and I can't because I'll get at most 7 pages in before I remember the WHOLE DAMN THING, and then why read it? I know how it's going to happen as it does. So I need to get me some new books. But it's either buy them (ugh money) or pay the library the 8.25 I owe them because I forgot about 3 books I had for like 2 1/2 weeks. Or die because I have nothing to read. I'm not kidding. I'll die.
I'll end on a bittersweet note. I cancelled my account for WoW. At this point in the game I was raiding 25man content pretty exclusively. I need high-spped for that. Back at my parents for now, I can't do that. So there's no point in running dungeons that won't give me gear worth it, and I don't want to just level up an alt to be stuck with the same. Might give it a go if I can find some high speeds soon, but I don't know. I was starting to burn out anyway, due to the work involved in getting enough people to go do the things I wanted, and the sometimes lack of results. I'm happy with where I got with it, and I'm actually enjoying all the time away from the game. It's refreshing. I just don't know what to do with the free time, since no one calls me. I'm so bored I finally picked up Bioshock again (It didn't scare me, but ti definitely put an edge on that I didn't always find comfortable).
Anyway, enough of all this. I feel a little better, and that's what this is there for.
Bran
Rock-it Man!
Blech.
I know it has been forever since I posted. Livejournal kindly reminds me that in fact it has been 18 weeks. Which is like four and a half months. And yes, I recall that I had said I was trying to get back into things like this during that post. And the two or three previous it. I confess.
However! It can be hard at times, because I DO think about posting, a lot in fact. I think, a lot. And during this time I'm thinking about what I would care to post, I begin to in fact compose it. In my head. And then it seems unnecessary to post, as I've worked out whatever emotions were connected to it. That's the main reason I do this anymore.
The main reason I started this was because of an ex girlfriend (Paige, to those of you who know her), and after that, because it seemed like ALL of my friends were doing it, and hey, wasn't it just a neat way for others to keep in touch, sorta, when you weren't around. They knew how I was, what was going on in the brain, and I knew the same about them. Cozy, like.
However, for the most part, none of you are around anymore. You've either grown past it, or decided that Facebook or Myspace were the places for you. And I don't really care for either, too much. It probably came about because they both became big time hits during a time when I was crawling on a 56k internet access and some people can be extreme with their pages and my internet heart died loading a page.
It also is probably the fact that I am definitely more comfortably introverted than extroverted. I say "more" because there is an extrovert part to me. I just have to be comfortable, and for that, I need to feel okay with those I'm around, for the most part. Yeah, I'm crazy, but whatever. You are too. Everyone is, in some way.
So, anyway. I write now to sort things out in my head. Issues, problems, that sort of thing. Usually though I don't need to post anything because I have it all good by the time it's ready to go.
'Cept, things have been really tough, lately. I don't know as I can pin it down to one thing, but then I'm not convinced that any big problem is one thing. It's usually a knot of them telling you to fuck off. Or the like.
Moving out was a struggle. Sucked. Work and money have been problematic. Finances and bills are something I've been stressing over for the last 4 months. On and off, of course. Because it can't just be bad, it has to get good again so that when it plummets I can experience it all over again.
Moving back to my parents, even for the short term I mean it to be, feels like a huge defeat. Even with the sometimes bill stress I was having, I felt happier on my own. At least I was doing something then. Not much of something, but I was pushing forward, standing on my own two feet, and proclaiming at least that I could do it.
To put on top of that, I feel so god damn alone. I have for so long, now. Not in just a relationship sense, though there is definitely an aspect to it there, but in a friend sense.
Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of good friends out there. But none of us are as close as we were. That, or I feel like this last winter something happened where I don't know...I wasn't pushed out of the group of guys at the hobby shop, but maybe pushed myself out some. To me at least, there's a distance.
Nick and Chris, easily my two best friends in the area, are hard to get a hold of now. Neither has a cell phone, and only recently got a house number. While they're the ones without one, I'm the one that feels cut adrift, because no one calls mine. People get together and do things, but usually don't call me. I don't really get the feeling I'm unwelcome, just overlooked.
I hung out with Dawn and Eric a few times while Daniela was up, which was fun, but Dawn only just called me to do something Saturday, so that's a few weeks between :P. Hell, even Lisa was there one night. Which made me nervous at first to find out. Considering how things played out in the winter where she decided she wanted to avoid me. But in the end it was a lot of fun and there was a lot of her and I acting like the friends we were at one point. Made me miss that. I think that we made a good couple for a long time because we just had fun together. Really good friends that played off eachother. I think a big reason it ended was because I made a push for it to be a real relationship first and fun friend times second.
Stressed out because early tomorrow I'm taking some side work Joel offered me, roofing for this guy. I don't know the guy, but I trust Joel. At the same time, I'll admit here, I'm nervous a lot because the thought of going up on a possible two-story building tomorrow makes me jittery. I'm not the best person with heights anymore. I was when I was a kid, I loooooved climbing up the 35-40ft. roof of the shop we had in the back, or the 20-25 ft. jump from a trundle bridge while canoeing. That was all sorts of fun. Now? Knees want to lock up thinking about it. But I definitely could use the extra cash being offered, so time to man up.
Going out of my mind with reading. I have not a single book in the house worht reading right now. I just finished one and I've picked up 3-4 this evening, trying to go through it, and I can't because I'll get at most 7 pages in before I remember the WHOLE DAMN THING, and then why read it? I know how it's going to happen as it does. So I need to get me some new books. But it's either buy them (ugh money) or pay the library the 8.25 I owe them because I forgot about 3 books I had for like 2 1/2 weeks. Or die because I have nothing to read. I'm not kidding. I'll die.
I'll end on a bittersweet note. I cancelled my account for WoW. At this point in the game I was raiding 25man content pretty exclusively. I need high-spped for that. Back at my parents for now, I can't do that. So there's no point in running dungeons that won't give me gear worth it, and I don't want to just level up an alt to be stuck with the same. Might give it a go if I can find some high speeds soon, but I don't know. I was starting to burn out anyway, due to the work involved in getting enough people to go do the things I wanted, and the sometimes lack of results. I'm happy with where I got with it, and I'm actually enjoying all the time away from the game. It's refreshing. I just don't know what to do with the free time, since no one calls me. I'm so bored I finally picked up Bioshock again (It didn't scare me, but ti definitely put an edge on that I didn't always find comfortable).
Anyway, enough of all this. I feel a little better, and that's what this is there for.
Bran
Rock-it Man!