Why's and Whatfor's
Why is it that I find myself, not just at this moment, but often, nigh always, that I find myself at the impasse of feeling morose and thoughtful at quarter to 6 in the morning?
Or perhaps, not always at the moment, but at the least, the same feelings and thoughts.
Hello, and you'd best strap yourself in for a ride you haven't been on in a while with myself.
In my mind, I return to this journal often. It is not with regular frequency that I post, nor has it ever been the case. Yet in my mind, I make posts nearly every day, about one thing or another, possibly a host of different items that have caught my fancy. It is, I believe, therapeutic to both mind and soul. For isn't the very purpose of a blog or journal to settle one's thoughts on some certain subject? There is no necessary need for it to be brought to paper with pen, nor now bytes of electronic data brought by keyboard or voice.
However, none of this is anywhere near any of the points I might attempt (or not) to make in this post, except with the very most tangent of connections.
A lot has happened to change my life and myself that I have not even begun to write.
This is a post about myself, for myself. This is more than an attempt to settle my thoughts on some random subject matter. They are, in essence, an exorcism of those thoughts and emotions that consume me.
I am who and what I am. No more or less, but that hardly makes me quantifiable. I change, and fluctuate as my life moves forward, as I believe should be the case. Right? No one person's worth is capable of being static. At times one may be worth more in life, than another, and others, less. Not financially, though most of life seems to work around that word, much to my own dismay.
So why is it I am continually worried about my own? I think maybe part of it - no, I know some of it is due to the facts of what I did to my life with my high school career. That is a phantom I have not chased away yet, and I begin to wonder if I ever will.
For those few who read this, and do not understand what I speak of, I'll be blunt. Due to extreme social anxieties, and severe bouts of depression (I was never suicidal, so do I have a right to claim it as manic? I believe so), I missed much of high school in my freshman and sophomore years. Which led me to try a different approach in a form of home schooling that may not seem as odd as it did then. American Schools, send you textbooks and work, and you send them the finished works, and they grade you, and credit you. It worked, for a time, but it was hard to motivate myself. It was also easy. The same as school, though I don't believe that was the problem. Anyway, when I was nearly 17, I took it into my hands finally to do something, and worked with some people who helped me take G.E.D. pretests to see what I had forgotten and needed to brush up on, and what I still needed to learn, before I could test through and get my equivalent diploma. Making the matter short, I blew the pretest away to where they felt confident in that I would pass the real thing. So I did, and I did. Passing in at the least the 90% mark, and the 99% for writing.
Oh well, it doesn't assuage the guilt and shame I feel at not having a (as I feel) true diploma from a real school as my friends do, or the fact that I feel like if things had gone slightly different, if I had pushed to re-integrate with society at that point, I would be now graduating a 4 year university in some field, going on to graduate school most likely.
I've since cured the root problems. Yes, I still can get a bout of depression (this post shows it. I get contemplative when I am depressed) - especially in winter. Yes, I still feel awkward in gatherings at times. But I have found my footing, too. And I find that less the work of myself changing - though I certainly have - than that the world, in part, has changed too.
I cannot tell whether I am losing friends, or simply changing them with others. I like neither choice, and would prefer the alternative of just gaining new. Sadly though, it feels as if I am losing old friends, at the least.
Lisa, whom I counted as one of my closest friends before we dated, and our parting to be mutually easy enough that we'd continue to be so afterward...I don't know how to finish this sentence. But, something did change. We talked about being friends, and close, hung out once, and then she avoided me. I think this is my own fault, because I mentioned to some other friends in confidence at the time that I wasn't over here after the one time we did see each other. Perhaps she doesn't believe I could control myself with it? Bah to her and that notion. What I suppose I should have said is that I still felt the same about her. There is a difference to feeling something, and knowing it is over, and not being able to let go. The former is the true feeling, here. I had hoped that we could be friends. And yet, I find that it feels almost like shunning, and that both angers and hurts me because I feel I do not deserve it.
Eric. And Dawn, I suppose should go here, not in another entry. I rarely see them, and when I do, it is always at my own initiative. It is difficult to see them, on my end, usually. I am just as busy as they are, and mostly find it harder to get around. And speaking to another friend, I find that they consider that I have been a jerk lately. I don't see it, but I may be biased. I've attempted to be supportive of Eric's business venture - the name of his shop was at my choosing! Yes, I don't support his business ethic, but I also do not tell him how to run it. I go out of my way to call them and try to make plans. They do not do the same. I've been over to see them at my own time and expense. They have not. In my mind, it is not fair to hold me accountable for the rarity in which they see me. They could try too. I apologize, but I will not bend over backwards for them, especially when they won't show any initiative themselves. I'm not curt, or mean. I am reserved - which to Dawn might equate to mean. I am their friend, in my mind, and have always tried to support what they do. It hurts, deeply, to find that the think of me that way.
Nick. I don't know if you're mad at me, but I don't see you enough anymore, buddy. There's always an excuse or reason to beg off hanging out. I hope I haven't upset you too.
Jered. Stop being so amazingly studious and outgoing now that you're finally doing your thing in college, and hang out with me :(. I feel that we have drifted apart some, and that sucks, since I've known you the longest of my friends now, and you're easily the closest confidant I have.
Cris. How we even became friends I don't know. You're cool. Like I said, I'm awkward, usually. We should talk more. Memo that.
Amber & Max. I <3 you both, and enjoy that we get along better now, though I do have some issues here for another time, perhaps maybe. Suffice, I heart.
Friends I have gained and not spoken of in the journal: Joel & Toni, Earl (who'd have thought that. I definitely disliked you back in jr. High and High school, Earl), Jesse, Tom (reconciliation ftw), Durf, Joe, Joe (not the same), Dave H., Dave R. (best not be mad at me either).
There's a part II to this coming. A LOT more to talk about, but I just realized the length of this entry. I don't want to kill anyone (myself included) by boredom with the amount of words.
Bran
Different, but the same
Or perhaps, not always at the moment, but at the least, the same feelings and thoughts.
Hello, and you'd best strap yourself in for a ride you haven't been on in a while with myself.
In my mind, I return to this journal often. It is not with regular frequency that I post, nor has it ever been the case. Yet in my mind, I make posts nearly every day, about one thing or another, possibly a host of different items that have caught my fancy. It is, I believe, therapeutic to both mind and soul. For isn't the very purpose of a blog or journal to settle one's thoughts on some certain subject? There is no necessary need for it to be brought to paper with pen, nor now bytes of electronic data brought by keyboard or voice.
However, none of this is anywhere near any of the points I might attempt (or not) to make in this post, except with the very most tangent of connections.
A lot has happened to change my life and myself that I have not even begun to write.
This is a post about myself, for myself. This is more than an attempt to settle my thoughts on some random subject matter. They are, in essence, an exorcism of those thoughts and emotions that consume me.
I am who and what I am. No more or less, but that hardly makes me quantifiable. I change, and fluctuate as my life moves forward, as I believe should be the case. Right? No one person's worth is capable of being static. At times one may be worth more in life, than another, and others, less. Not financially, though most of life seems to work around that word, much to my own dismay.
So why is it I am continually worried about my own? I think maybe part of it - no, I know some of it is due to the facts of what I did to my life with my high school career. That is a phantom I have not chased away yet, and I begin to wonder if I ever will.
For those few who read this, and do not understand what I speak of, I'll be blunt. Due to extreme social anxieties, and severe bouts of depression (I was never suicidal, so do I have a right to claim it as manic? I believe so), I missed much of high school in my freshman and sophomore years. Which led me to try a different approach in a form of home schooling that may not seem as odd as it did then. American Schools, send you textbooks and work, and you send them the finished works, and they grade you, and credit you. It worked, for a time, but it was hard to motivate myself. It was also easy. The same as school, though I don't believe that was the problem. Anyway, when I was nearly 17, I took it into my hands finally to do something, and worked with some people who helped me take G.E.D. pretests to see what I had forgotten and needed to brush up on, and what I still needed to learn, before I could test through and get my equivalent diploma. Making the matter short, I blew the pretest away to where they felt confident in that I would pass the real thing. So I did, and I did. Passing in at the least the 90% mark, and the 99% for writing.
Oh well, it doesn't assuage the guilt and shame I feel at not having a (as I feel) true diploma from a real school as my friends do, or the fact that I feel like if things had gone slightly different, if I had pushed to re-integrate with society at that point, I would be now graduating a 4 year university in some field, going on to graduate school most likely.
I've since cured the root problems. Yes, I still can get a bout of depression (this post shows it. I get contemplative when I am depressed) - especially in winter. Yes, I still feel awkward in gatherings at times. But I have found my footing, too. And I find that less the work of myself changing - though I certainly have - than that the world, in part, has changed too.
I cannot tell whether I am losing friends, or simply changing them with others. I like neither choice, and would prefer the alternative of just gaining new. Sadly though, it feels as if I am losing old friends, at the least.
Lisa, whom I counted as one of my closest friends before we dated, and our parting to be mutually easy enough that we'd continue to be so afterward...I don't know how to finish this sentence. But, something did change. We talked about being friends, and close, hung out once, and then she avoided me. I think this is my own fault, because I mentioned to some other friends in confidence at the time that I wasn't over here after the one time we did see each other. Perhaps she doesn't believe I could control myself with it? Bah to her and that notion. What I suppose I should have said is that I still felt the same about her. There is a difference to feeling something, and knowing it is over, and not being able to let go. The former is the true feeling, here. I had hoped that we could be friends. And yet, I find that it feels almost like shunning, and that both angers and hurts me because I feel I do not deserve it.
Eric. And Dawn, I suppose should go here, not in another entry. I rarely see them, and when I do, it is always at my own initiative. It is difficult to see them, on my end, usually. I am just as busy as they are, and mostly find it harder to get around. And speaking to another friend, I find that they consider that I have been a jerk lately. I don't see it, but I may be biased. I've attempted to be supportive of Eric's business venture - the name of his shop was at my choosing! Yes, I don't support his business ethic, but I also do not tell him how to run it. I go out of my way to call them and try to make plans. They do not do the same. I've been over to see them at my own time and expense. They have not. In my mind, it is not fair to hold me accountable for the rarity in which they see me. They could try too. I apologize, but I will not bend over backwards for them, especially when they won't show any initiative themselves. I'm not curt, or mean. I am reserved - which to Dawn might equate to mean. I am their friend, in my mind, and have always tried to support what they do. It hurts, deeply, to find that the think of me that way.
Nick. I don't know if you're mad at me, but I don't see you enough anymore, buddy. There's always an excuse or reason to beg off hanging out. I hope I haven't upset you too.
Jered. Stop being so amazingly studious and outgoing now that you're finally doing your thing in college, and hang out with me :(. I feel that we have drifted apart some, and that sucks, since I've known you the longest of my friends now, and you're easily the closest confidant I have.
Cris. How we even became friends I don't know. You're cool. Like I said, I'm awkward, usually. We should talk more. Memo that.
Amber & Max. I <3 you both, and enjoy that we get along better now, though I do have some issues here for another time, perhaps maybe. Suffice, I heart.
Friends I have gained and not spoken of in the journal: Joel & Toni, Earl (who'd have thought that. I definitely disliked you back in jr. High and High school, Earl), Jesse, Tom (reconciliation ftw), Durf, Joe, Joe (not the same), Dave H., Dave R. (best not be mad at me either).
There's a part II to this coming. A LOT more to talk about, but I just realized the length of this entry. I don't want to kill anyone (myself included) by boredom with the amount of words.
Bran
Different, but the same