So I'm going to try posting more often...
But its not like anyone really reads it, I'm sure.
So today wasn't a totally bad day. I actually made it to class not very late. Ha ha, but the guys didn't have class this morning so I found Adam and Cesar playing Smash downstairs on my break. I watched for a bit, then went back to class. I was sort of lost in class today and then I thing I totally screwed up on that quiz I had to take since I missed it on Wed.
Anyway, the guys, except for Cesar had an officer's meeting at 1:30 so he had to go to Burger King and get foods togo. So Cesar and I ate downstairs and when he finished he started playing Smash again. No big surprise there. So Cesar now has a job at the Garden place across the street from my house and he works pretty much all Saturday and Sunday. He, for some reason thinks that I should feed him lunch since I live right there. I told him I'd think about it and maybe if he did something to deserve it. But anyway, I've found it fun to sit in Scott's lap. Why? Because he doesn't care. I'd like to be able to sit in someone else's lap... but I can't :(
I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. I know that I really really would like a boyfriend, and I'd still sort of like it to be Cesar. I can't help it... It's hard to let go of someone you love so much. I really do love him. I just wish I could tell him that. He knows I care about him. I'm so confused, I really wish he was more comfortable with physical contact. God knows I'd give anything to be able to kiss him. And have him kiss me back, and kiss me on his own like he did back in June. I want that so much. There's only so much I can take. I need some sort of outlet for my affection. I need to be able to touch someone, to have them hold me, to hug me, to kiss me, to tell me they love me back. I need someone to let me touch them how I want, to kiss them, to let me play with them, and know I mean it when I say "I love you." Nobody knows how fucking bad I want this person to be Cesar, and only God knows why I want Cesar. I want everything about him, his personality, his eyes, his heart, his mind, his imperfections, his soul, his secrets, his body, his smell, his face, his words, his troubles, his feelings that are locked away, and his love. I want everything that is him. With all of my being, I want Cesar Alexander Hernandez. I need it. Why won't he give himself to me? What is so wrong? Why doesn't he realize that I'm trying to give him everything I can. I'd do almost anything for him. I can't control myself, I need someone. I need Cesar and I don't know what in the world I can do to make everything alright. I don't know.
And he doesn't care if I poke him. I need to be able to touch somebody, and I guess Scott is it for now since Cesar doesn't know how to not be an ass sometimes. But anyway, the guys went up to class so I sat with Scott down the hallway from their class, and talked until their class was over. Then we started stealing each others stuff. I stole Justin's laptop and was going to take it in the girl's bathroom, but he had a hold on it and followed me in. :o LOL Scott got a picture of Justin coming out of the girl's bathroom. And then Justin tried to steal my Blow-Pop and I had to fight him for it. >_< Because its my Blow-Pop!! And I'm just guessing, but I think Cesar got a little irritated because I was hopping on Justin and twisting his arm hairs and stuff to try and get it back... We had an awkward fight for it. But I won. So Cesar looked a little irritated when he left, but I shouldn't care, but its hard not to. So I haven't been able to talk to him because he doesn't have his own cell and I don't enjoy calling his house, AND his internet connection to his room is broken so he doesn't have AIM and I can't find out if he's mad or not.
Then they all went home later and I had to go to class at 5:30, which wasn't a bad class. Except it ran a little long.
Then I came home and have been distracted by the usual internet stuff and Heros came on at 8 so I had to watch that. And that's about all except I've been distracted since then and I need to study for my Psych test tomorrow and write a speech for Wed. Yikes... plus do French homework. I think I'll get up sort of early tomorrow and work on stuff before class. That's a good idea.
And! I still need to figure out how to put a pretty picture on my LJ background. Anyone know how?
So today wasn't a totally bad day. I actually made it to class not very late. Ha ha, but the guys didn't have class this morning so I found Adam and Cesar playing Smash downstairs on my break. I watched for a bit, then went back to class. I was sort of lost in class today and then I thing I totally screwed up on that quiz I had to take since I missed it on Wed.
Anyway, the guys, except for Cesar had an officer's meeting at 1:30 so he had to go to Burger King and get foods togo. So Cesar and I ate downstairs and when he finished he started playing Smash again. No big surprise there. So Cesar now has a job at the Garden place across the street from my house and he works pretty much all Saturday and Sunday. He, for some reason thinks that I should feed him lunch since I live right there. I told him I'd think about it and maybe if he did something to deserve it. But anyway, I've found it fun to sit in Scott's lap. Why? Because he doesn't care. I'd like to be able to sit in someone else's lap... but I can't :(
I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. I know that I really really would like a boyfriend, and I'd still sort of like it to be Cesar. I can't help it... It's hard to let go of someone you love so much. I really do love him. I just wish I could tell him that. He knows I care about him. I'm so confused, I really wish he was more comfortable with physical contact. God knows I'd give anything to be able to kiss him. And have him kiss me back, and kiss me on his own like he did back in June. I want that so much. There's only so much I can take. I need some sort of outlet for my affection. I need to be able to touch someone, to have them hold me, to hug me, to kiss me, to tell me they love me back. I need someone to let me touch them how I want, to kiss them, to let me play with them, and know I mean it when I say "I love you." Nobody knows how fucking bad I want this person to be Cesar, and only God knows why I want Cesar. I want everything about him, his personality, his eyes, his heart, his mind, his imperfections, his soul, his secrets, his body, his smell, his face, his words, his troubles, his feelings that are locked away, and his love. I want everything that is him. With all of my being, I want Cesar Alexander Hernandez. I need it. Why won't he give himself to me? What is so wrong? Why doesn't he realize that I'm trying to give him everything I can. I'd do almost anything for him. I can't control myself, I need someone. I need Cesar and I don't know what in the world I can do to make everything alright. I don't know.
And he doesn't care if I poke him. I need to be able to touch somebody, and I guess Scott is it for now since Cesar doesn't know how to not be an ass sometimes. But anyway, the guys went up to class so I sat with Scott down the hallway from their class, and talked until their class was over. Then we started stealing each others stuff. I stole Justin's laptop and was going to take it in the girl's bathroom, but he had a hold on it and followed me in. :o LOL Scott got a picture of Justin coming out of the girl's bathroom. And then Justin tried to steal my Blow-Pop and I had to fight him for it. >_< Because its my Blow-Pop!! And I'm just guessing, but I think Cesar got a little irritated because I was hopping on Justin and twisting his arm hairs and stuff to try and get it back... We had an awkward fight for it. But I won. So Cesar looked a little irritated when he left, but I shouldn't care, but its hard not to. So I haven't been able to talk to him because he doesn't have his own cell and I don't enjoy calling his house, AND his internet connection to his room is broken so he doesn't have AIM and I can't find out if he's mad or not.
Then they all went home later and I had to go to class at 5:30, which wasn't a bad class. Except it ran a little long.
Then I came home and have been distracted by the usual internet stuff and Heros came on at 8 so I had to watch that. And that's about all except I've been distracted since then and I need to study for my Psych test tomorrow and write a speech for Wed. Yikes... plus do French homework. I think I'll get up sort of early tomorrow and work on stuff before class. That's a good idea.
And! I still need to figure out how to put a pretty picture on my LJ background. Anyone know how?