(no subject)
I dont know what is going to happen with me anymore. Omg i cant stop crying. Why can't i just become numb. I dont want to have to feel anymore. I cant take emotions. Jake told me everything i didnt want to hear. My god why does it have to be like this.
Yesterday i went to the block and met jake at around 3. We talked and walked and giddily held hands as usual. We snuck into the appt. Complex again and he played me piano and said everything right. Then we Took the elevator up and down the complex for a while. God its such a beautiful building. Then we watched some keyaking(wow how do you spell that) and walked and talked and then we watched some people get married outside from afar. It was a seemingly perfect day. SO then we walked about some more and than i had to go by my car and check to see if i had gotten a ticket. Somehow he jokingly made a comment about my age and i said dont remind me. And then i asked him if that was going to be the downfall of things. he got serious and said in his voice..."sam....i just its going to be hard" "you dont know how badly i wanted to bring to athens this weekend (which i was looking forward to) But when my friends heard how old you are they looked down at it." This is coming from the guy that said the first time we hung out that my age scared him at first but it wasnt a deal at all it i shouldnt worry about it. He said that i have made him so happy and that he has never felt this way. He said that we had a connection and that he didnt want to lose the moments that we've had. He said the same thing that i do where i want to capture moments and live in them. He lied to me sooo bad. I fell hard for him. I opened up more that he will ever be able to comprehend. He was the first person to ever call me beautiful. Anyway so then we sat in the parking lot and i started to cry. He had 2 single tears throughout this 2 hour crying fest. It just hurts soo bad to know that he ment more to me than i did him. WE then went and sat on a park bench and after him repeatedly telling me how hes just a stupid fuck and that i should just add him to my fuck list and him sitting there looking into my eyes and only be able to say how sorry he was i can honestly say that my emotions for him are just as strong.
I just i need this all to stop. I cant handle this right now. Nothing is making this pain go away. I asked him if this was all that was left and he said that we can still hang out. I told him that it was going to be hard to not get attatched when i see him. He aksed if we jsut should talk or see each other for a while. It hurt me even more to think that he wouldnt be there. I need him there. SO bad. I cant take this. Make it fucking stop. Please.
Yesterday i went to the block and met jake at around 3. We talked and walked and giddily held hands as usual. We snuck into the appt. Complex again and he played me piano and said everything right. Then we Took the elevator up and down the complex for a while. God its such a beautiful building. Then we watched some keyaking(wow how do you spell that) and walked and talked and then we watched some people get married outside from afar. It was a seemingly perfect day. SO then we walked about some more and than i had to go by my car and check to see if i had gotten a ticket. Somehow he jokingly made a comment about my age and i said dont remind me. And then i asked him if that was going to be the downfall of things. he got serious and said in his voice..."sam....i just its going to be hard" "you dont know how badly i wanted to bring to athens this weekend (which i was looking forward to) But when my friends heard how old you are they looked down at it." This is coming from the guy that said the first time we hung out that my age scared him at first but it wasnt a deal at all it i shouldnt worry about it. He said that i have made him so happy and that he has never felt this way. He said that we had a connection and that he didnt want to lose the moments that we've had. He said the same thing that i do where i want to capture moments and live in them. He lied to me sooo bad. I fell hard for him. I opened up more that he will ever be able to comprehend. He was the first person to ever call me beautiful. Anyway so then we sat in the parking lot and i started to cry. He had 2 single tears throughout this 2 hour crying fest. It just hurts soo bad to know that he ment more to me than i did him. WE then went and sat on a park bench and after him repeatedly telling me how hes just a stupid fuck and that i should just add him to my fuck list and him sitting there looking into my eyes and only be able to say how sorry he was i can honestly say that my emotions for him are just as strong.
I just i need this all to stop. I cant handle this right now. Nothing is making this pain go away. I asked him if this was all that was left and he said that we can still hang out. I told him that it was going to be hard to not get attatched when i see him. He aksed if we jsut should talk or see each other for a while. It hurt me even more to think that he wouldnt be there. I need him there. SO bad. I cant take this. Make it fucking stop. Please.