Back for a while
It is with a sense of great excitement that I realised that here I have a place that the ex and her friends have no awareness of. So I can rant and rave all I like without her seeing it and deciding to take it upon herself to 'protect' me. (seriously, there isn't a person on this planet that I would trust to make a serious decision for me. Not because they aren't capable of making decisions, merely because I don't seem to respond to other peoples choices so well)
Yes I'm in bits, frankly I'm torn up by this whole situation. I'm starting to grow increasingly frustrated by the role reversal that is in place right now. I'm trying to hold a friendship together, to ensure that her feelings are protected and that she knows at least that I cared. She seems to be acting the way I should be, hiding away.
I don't understand why I'm not acting the way I should be, why I'm still trying to be the fixer in all of this. I'd like to break, I'd like someone to fix me for once. I'm so bloody tired of putting everybody else first but it seems to just come naturally. How does one do selfish? What are the ACTUAL benefits? Because everything that I see in being selfish is just wrong...
My emotions are up and down like never before, though I expect the job role I'm in doesn't give me the option to retreat like my previous ones have, I can't balance myself by cutting out social interaction because I've come to enjoy it rather then force myself into it. Seem to be mastering some of those skills that I've lacked in the past.
I'm sorry for ranting, I've not seen my therapist in a few months and I think thats lost me some of my venting too. Hes getting good at finding the areas I'm not keen on talking about, apparently I do have walls, you just have to REALLY pry to find them.
Oh, you may have gathered but I have a new job :) working with adults with learning difficulties, bloody tiring work, fair amount of stress to bounce about. But rewarding.
Hope life is treating you all well, I'm sure I see you all less then I should (or in some peoples case not at all :o )
Take care
Yes I'm in bits, frankly I'm torn up by this whole situation. I'm starting to grow increasingly frustrated by the role reversal that is in place right now. I'm trying to hold a friendship together, to ensure that her feelings are protected and that she knows at least that I cared. She seems to be acting the way I should be, hiding away.
I don't understand why I'm not acting the way I should be, why I'm still trying to be the fixer in all of this. I'd like to break, I'd like someone to fix me for once. I'm so bloody tired of putting everybody else first but it seems to just come naturally. How does one do selfish? What are the ACTUAL benefits? Because everything that I see in being selfish is just wrong...
My emotions are up and down like never before, though I expect the job role I'm in doesn't give me the option to retreat like my previous ones have, I can't balance myself by cutting out social interaction because I've come to enjoy it rather then force myself into it. Seem to be mastering some of those skills that I've lacked in the past.
I'm sorry for ranting, I've not seen my therapist in a few months and I think thats lost me some of my venting too. Hes getting good at finding the areas I'm not keen on talking about, apparently I do have walls, you just have to REALLY pry to find them.
Oh, you may have gathered but I have a new job :) working with adults with learning difficulties, bloody tiring work, fair amount of stress to bounce about. But rewarding.
Hope life is treating you all well, I'm sure I see you all less then I should (or in some peoples case not at all :o )
Take care