Control
My Master bought me a book. It's called "Comfort Food" and its by Kitty Thomas.
It's the best damn D/s fiction book I've ever read.
It's so *me*. In the book, he controls the main character through lack of contact, isolating her until she will do what he wants. I am a social butterfly, on occasions I enjoy my own company, but generally I prefer to be with others. I could totally see myself being broken this way, and I think it would be more effective than pain where there is more of a risk I will try to lash out in anger.
We have a cage at home, and as some may know we play without limits and we play hard. And I'm feisty. However we also have a cage, and I find going into that cage boring as hell. Its very safe - which is why I like it, but I get bored.
Recently during play, my Master said I could have a book if I was good. And my god, was that an incentive.
Now, don't get me wrong I am a "I want to please You" submissive, but some things I just hate. So this book made me a lot more complicit, because I also don't particularly like being on my own in an empty room, with nothing but my own thoughts.
Going back to the "Comfort food" book, or rather the strong realisations it made dawn in me.
I am being made redundant, and I am extremely upset and angry about this. I have worked extremely hard at my job, and I'm good at what I do (pretty much, not perfect, but who is?). As a result of this I have been extremely stressed (I haven't been out of work other than for a year whilst at uni since the age of 16), to the extent it has brought on my sinusitis badly, and also I have felt really down.
I don't get down. I'm a very happy person. And I am very happy because I've just got married to my Master (yeah, talk about sucky timing "did you have a nice honeymoon? We are making you all redundant"). I should also add in here that I haven't cried about it. I am (according to my boss) "very resilient" (which apparently equals -we will give you the hardest jobs because we know you can handle it). The other part my boss doesn't know is that I had quite an emotionally abusive mother at times who would yell at me if I cried, so I learnt either not to cry or to cry silently, and to be strong. Well, that and an abusive ex boyfriend (a long while ago) who finished off the job with regards to that.
I had been trying to figure out for a while what I needed. I am a bit of a masochist, but not much, so I was waaaay to scared to ask my Master to "beat it out of me".
Anyway, this damn book nearly made me cry. I couldn't eat last night because I felt so close to tears. And I feel close to tears writing this.
As my Master will acknowledge, His work has also been extremely stressful since His return. He works from home, but has been working long long hours and with the added pressure of me being made redundant He is stressed. And when He is stressed, He gets introverted and doesn't like to see me as much. And sometimes, just sometimes, He doesn't make the effort to check things.
We had had a bit of a snipe at each other the other morning, so I bought Him some chocs and a card to say sorry. He also said sorry, and I explained that I felt I lacked direction. I have no focus. No job to put my energy into, He hadn't written me another training plan and He wouldn't allow me to take piano lessons. And I'd been ill and unable to do much. One evening we had guests over, and I had tried to ensure that my Master had a nice time playing X box with them, whilst I cooked dinner, dessert, and waited on them. And His only comment was to say He "felt bad that I was out of the room a lot". He felt bad! I'm the damn sub, that's what I'm there for. And all I wanted to hear in the world was that I'd been good (specially because I was still kind of ill so it was hard work for me). So then I sort of gave up again slightly.
Anyway, last night I'm about 2/3rds of the way through this book and I realised what I had been missing. CONTROL.
Yes I have orgasm control. Yes I have rules (although recently some of those hadn't been enforced enough). But I wanted more control otherwise I was either going to go into His office (where I'm not allowed without permission) and literally stomp up and down like a child or I was going to dig a damn worm out of the garden and lay it on His desk.
Anyway, last night He said to me "what do you want for dinner". What do I want? I want You to tell me what I want!
The control in the book was so extensive it made me want to weep. Food control. Freedom control. Book control. Clothing control. Sanitary control. Orgasm control. Etc etc.
Anyway, I explained to my Master last night as I was refusing to eat anything (I didn't want to unless He made me) that I needed more control. Incidentally He didn't make me eat, so I didn't sleep well because He sent me to bed hungry (although I didn't tell Him that). There is an element of topping from the bottom there I'm sure He will settle with me later now I have confessed this.
I am, generally speaking, quite a confident person. This comes through the security of being my Masters girl, and also through my successful career. Oh hang on, I don't have that anymore.
So yes, a big crisis has happened. My ability to be alone and not with my friends or Master has got a lot worse. On Tuesday I went into town, and then had lunch with a book. Alone. Normally I'd quite enjoy this. Nooo.....alone with my own thoughts I worried myself sick about getting another job, and also worried about what everyone was thinking about me (normally I wouldn't care, but I was convinced everyone thought I was a freak).
Last night, finally, that lightbulb moment came on in my head thanks to this book. I need more control. NEED. I can't cope without it. I need it to make me less stressed, make me feel secure, safe and to bring my mood back up.
My Master explained He had also been feeling stressed and introverted. He commented that He had noticed I had been doing my food diary but said "I bet you've stopped now though because I haven't checked it for weeks". He was, of course, correct. It's not that I am deliberately disobedient, it's just that things slip sometimes and time flies, and you don't always realise what is happening. I know that He gets introverted and that is fine, so long as I feel controlled whilst He is being introverted.
Control! Oh yeah! That's it! That's my fetish. It's not the beatings. It's not the cooking. It's the control. Sounds strange, but I had almost forgot about it, about why I got into this in the first place. I need control. That's what I had been missing, and why a "play session" wasn't making me feel better and I was still so anxious afterwards.
So last night my Master sat down with the calendar, and planned out our next few weeks, and then told me what I would do today. He made me get an early night (although I couldn't sleep because of that damn book - it's quite hot in places!). And I felt happier.
Hopefully we will get back on track now. I feel happier I Love Control from my Master .
I think this blog sounds like a winge or a rant, but I don't mean it to be. It's just a "confession that real D/s relationships aren't perfect" - my Master is excellent and He has the insight to review where we are and addressed what has slipped and what I need. Because I really really need more control right now.
And I'm so glad that I have Him to control me and keep me safe, forever.
X
It's the best damn D/s fiction book I've ever read.
It's so *me*. In the book, he controls the main character through lack of contact, isolating her until she will do what he wants. I am a social butterfly, on occasions I enjoy my own company, but generally I prefer to be with others. I could totally see myself being broken this way, and I think it would be more effective than pain where there is more of a risk I will try to lash out in anger.
We have a cage at home, and as some may know we play without limits and we play hard. And I'm feisty. However we also have a cage, and I find going into that cage boring as hell. Its very safe - which is why I like it, but I get bored.
Recently during play, my Master said I could have a book if I was good. And my god, was that an incentive.
Now, don't get me wrong I am a "I want to please You" submissive, but some things I just hate. So this book made me a lot more complicit, because I also don't particularly like being on my own in an empty room, with nothing but my own thoughts.
Going back to the "Comfort food" book, or rather the strong realisations it made dawn in me.
I am being made redundant, and I am extremely upset and angry about this. I have worked extremely hard at my job, and I'm good at what I do (pretty much, not perfect, but who is?). As a result of this I have been extremely stressed (I haven't been out of work other than for a year whilst at uni since the age of 16), to the extent it has brought on my sinusitis badly, and also I have felt really down.
I don't get down. I'm a very happy person. And I am very happy because I've just got married to my Master (yeah, talk about sucky timing "did you have a nice honeymoon? We are making you all redundant"). I should also add in here that I haven't cried about it. I am (according to my boss) "very resilient" (which apparently equals -we will give you the hardest jobs because we know you can handle it). The other part my boss doesn't know is that I had quite an emotionally abusive mother at times who would yell at me if I cried, so I learnt either not to cry or to cry silently, and to be strong. Well, that and an abusive ex boyfriend (a long while ago) who finished off the job with regards to that.
I had been trying to figure out for a while what I needed. I am a bit of a masochist, but not much, so I was waaaay to scared to ask my Master to "beat it out of me".
Anyway, this damn book nearly made me cry. I couldn't eat last night because I felt so close to tears. And I feel close to tears writing this.
As my Master will acknowledge, His work has also been extremely stressful since His return. He works from home, but has been working long long hours and with the added pressure of me being made redundant He is stressed. And when He is stressed, He gets introverted and doesn't like to see me as much. And sometimes, just sometimes, He doesn't make the effort to check things.
We had had a bit of a snipe at each other the other morning, so I bought Him some chocs and a card to say sorry. He also said sorry, and I explained that I felt I lacked direction. I have no focus. No job to put my energy into, He hadn't written me another training plan and He wouldn't allow me to take piano lessons. And I'd been ill and unable to do much. One evening we had guests over, and I had tried to ensure that my Master had a nice time playing X box with them, whilst I cooked dinner, dessert, and waited on them. And His only comment was to say He "felt bad that I was out of the room a lot". He felt bad! I'm the damn sub, that's what I'm there for. And all I wanted to hear in the world was that I'd been good (specially because I was still kind of ill so it was hard work for me). So then I sort of gave up again slightly.
Anyway, last night I'm about 2/3rds of the way through this book and I realised what I had been missing. CONTROL.
Yes I have orgasm control. Yes I have rules (although recently some of those hadn't been enforced enough). But I wanted more control otherwise I was either going to go into His office (where I'm not allowed without permission) and literally stomp up and down like a child or I was going to dig a damn worm out of the garden and lay it on His desk.
Anyway, last night He said to me "what do you want for dinner". What do I want? I want You to tell me what I want!
The control in the book was so extensive it made me want to weep. Food control. Freedom control. Book control. Clothing control. Sanitary control. Orgasm control. Etc etc.
Anyway, I explained to my Master last night as I was refusing to eat anything (I didn't want to unless He made me) that I needed more control. Incidentally He didn't make me eat, so I didn't sleep well because He sent me to bed hungry (although I didn't tell Him that). There is an element of topping from the bottom there I'm sure He will settle with me later now I have confessed this.
I am, generally speaking, quite a confident person. This comes through the security of being my Masters girl, and also through my successful career. Oh hang on, I don't have that anymore.
So yes, a big crisis has happened. My ability to be alone and not with my friends or Master has got a lot worse. On Tuesday I went into town, and then had lunch with a book. Alone. Normally I'd quite enjoy this. Nooo.....alone with my own thoughts I worried myself sick about getting another job, and also worried about what everyone was thinking about me (normally I wouldn't care, but I was convinced everyone thought I was a freak).
Last night, finally, that lightbulb moment came on in my head thanks to this book. I need more control. NEED. I can't cope without it. I need it to make me less stressed, make me feel secure, safe and to bring my mood back up.
My Master explained He had also been feeling stressed and introverted. He commented that He had noticed I had been doing my food diary but said "I bet you've stopped now though because I haven't checked it for weeks". He was, of course, correct. It's not that I am deliberately disobedient, it's just that things slip sometimes and time flies, and you don't always realise what is happening. I know that He gets introverted and that is fine, so long as I feel controlled whilst He is being introverted.
Control! Oh yeah! That's it! That's my fetish. It's not the beatings. It's not the cooking. It's the control. Sounds strange, but I had almost forgot about it, about why I got into this in the first place. I need control. That's what I had been missing, and why a "play session" wasn't making me feel better and I was still so anxious afterwards.
So last night my Master sat down with the calendar, and planned out our next few weeks, and then told me what I would do today. He made me get an early night (although I couldn't sleep because of that damn book - it's quite hot in places!). And I felt happier.
Hopefully we will get back on track now. I feel happier I Love Control from my Master .
I think this blog sounds like a winge or a rant, but I don't mean it to be. It's just a "confession that real D/s relationships aren't perfect" - my Master is excellent and He has the insight to review where we are and addressed what has slipped and what I need. Because I really really need more control right now.
And I'm so glad that I have Him to control me and keep me safe, forever.
X