(no subject)
~{Warning: Tired person writing.}~
It's funny. People talk about their lives all the time. Talk about how they love it or how they hate it. They go into great depths to make you believe that either they have it way better than you do or they they live a miserable exhistance. I suppose everyone is like that in one way or another. Trying to prove their exhistance. Hopeing that they can find a 'reason'. A reason to continue, to move on, to not give up. Sometimes you actualy get lucky enough to find a reason. Unfortunately, that reason rarely cares what you think, or who you are. I suppose thats the real trial...the meaning of life. No one seams to know what the meaning of life is, but I think I figured out at least part of it. Like it was said in 'City Slickers', it's that "One thing". The real problem comes when you find out what your current "One thing" is.
I have recently come to realize what my current "One thing" is...and it's killing me.
I had a rough up-bringing. Not because my parents were mean to me, quite the opposite actualy. They were to nice, to overprotective. I grew up to be very isolated from the world, from the people arround me. I was never alloud to go out and spend time with the others, for fear something would happen. Since the day I was born, I've been alone...never really had any friends. Even those that were considered my friends just hung arround me to use me. As I went through school I became very asocial. Not anti-social, for I dearly wanted friends, but I lacked the knowledge and understanding to socialize with the people arround me. Elementry school was hard. I went to bed every night praying I wouldn't wake up, and woke up every day wishing I hadn't. At school it became diffacult to learn, because I was to busie worring about my surroundings and what was going to happen next. I begged my parrents to let me learn martial arts, but they wouldn't let me because they thought it would be to dangerous for me. They didn't know how dangerous it already was for me every day. I never told them, I never could. They tried so hard to be good parents, to hard I think. So as I grew up I became hardened and detached...apathedic. Eventualy I all but lost the ability to expierence emotion, be it good or bad. High school was better. Upon reflection, it was probably the high point in my life. Unfortunately, I had started to become that which I so hated in elementery school, a bully. During high school, I started to 'feel' again. Unfortunately, most of the feelings were of hate and distrust. I wanted a friend so bad...would have done anything, anything at all for one. But the only thing I found out during high school almost broke me. I have a sister, at the age of about 15, I find out that I have a sister. She's actualy a half-sister, from my fathers previous marrige. Now, one would normaly thing this a great thing, finding out about a sibling. For me though, it was horrible. I was so lonely for so long, that when I learned that I had a sister, I became furious. I'm not sure, but I think it had to have been around this time that I lost my faith. I fell into a deep depression, one I still haven't really recovered from. My sisters name is Terry. Shes about 10 years my senior I believe. I'm 24 now and I've never met her. People say that the worst thing is having a sibling and not having enough time away from them. I hate them and I envy them. All my life all I wanted is a friend, a confidant...someone to talk to and spend time with. And I find out that I have a sister, I almost died. The next couple years, though good, were dangerous for me. I've never been in good shape, always been overweight. I hate myself for that. What I hate even more though is the fact that I can't change it by myself. I've tried, but when you have no 'reason', there's not much reason. After high school I lost contact with everyone. I was working at Blockbuster Video as a manager. It was a job that I both loved and hated. I got the job through one of my gaming 'friends'. Gaming (RPG's) means a lot to me. So does reading. Both are a great way to excape this world, to go someplace where things are ok, where I don't hurt all the time. I believe with all my heart that the saying 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' has a lot of merrit. I try not to make the same mistakes twice, try to learn from everything that hurts me. I'm not affraid of death, but I think that my biggest fear is to die alone. Like I said earlier, I'm 24 now. I have many 'friends', but I don't know if I have any friends. I'd like to think I do. I try so hard to make people like me. I'm so lonely, I just don't know what to do. Every time I open up to someone, think that they are my friend, I just get hurt. It's not fair. My whole life I've tried to get along with everyone, to please everyone, in hopes that they'd like me and be my friend. My real problem is that I dont know how to talk to people. I've never hung out, been on the in croud, been cool, done the norm. It's not from lack of trying, it's just that I dont know how. So I find all my friends to be alleged 'geeks', just like me. Geeks...what are geeks? They are no less important than anyone else, thats for sure. I have more respect for most geeks I know than anyone else. Geeks are the strong people, the people that have been stepped on and sneard at, and then get up and move on. Geeks are the little heros of everyday life. But sometimes, sometimes its hard to get up, its hard to move on. The times when your alone and by yourself you start to think and wonder. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Times like these are when you need a 'reason'. Bad things usealy happen to those who can't find a 'reason'. Sometimes worse things happen to those who do.
I'm not real sure why I'm writing this...for that matter, I'm honestly not real sure what I just wrote. Earlier, I believe I mentioned that my biggest fear was to die alone. My second biggest fear is rejection. I'm affraid to be rejected. I want so bad to have friends, to have someone that's more than a friend...but I'm affraid of being rejected, and I'm affraid of the consequences thereafter. I try to cling so hard to what I have, that I'm affraid I push my friends away. But, I dont know what else to do, how else to act. Your "One thing" changes from time to time. For example: when your alone, its a friend. when you have friends, it's a companion. when you have a companion, its family. when you have a family, its yourself(to take care of your family). Of course your "One thing" doesn't have to be a person, but I'd immagin that most are.
For me, I guess the questions are: How big of a chance is worth taking? How much impact will it have on my life? What happens if I get rejected? Who are my real friends? What do I do if I lose my 'reason'? Can I continue without a 'reason'? If I can, is there a point?
I've lost my train of thought. Oh yea, 'reasons' and "One things". I now know what my 'reason' is, but I have no idea how to advance with it. I'm affraid that if I do anything wrong I'll lose my "One thing" and then I to will be truely lost. I'm not done here, I know there's more to say, I know that some of what I said is confusing and I probaly said to much about some things. But its now after 2am and I have to get up in 4 1/2 hrs for work so I'm going to cut it 'short'. If anyone has any advice about any of this gibberish please help.
It's funny. People talk about their lives all the time. Talk about how they love it or how they hate it. They go into great depths to make you believe that either they have it way better than you do or they they live a miserable exhistance. I suppose everyone is like that in one way or another. Trying to prove their exhistance. Hopeing that they can find a 'reason'. A reason to continue, to move on, to not give up. Sometimes you actualy get lucky enough to find a reason. Unfortunately, that reason rarely cares what you think, or who you are. I suppose thats the real trial...the meaning of life. No one seams to know what the meaning of life is, but I think I figured out at least part of it. Like it was said in 'City Slickers', it's that "One thing". The real problem comes when you find out what your current "One thing" is.
I have recently come to realize what my current "One thing" is...and it's killing me.
I had a rough up-bringing. Not because my parents were mean to me, quite the opposite actualy. They were to nice, to overprotective. I grew up to be very isolated from the world, from the people arround me. I was never alloud to go out and spend time with the others, for fear something would happen. Since the day I was born, I've been alone...never really had any friends. Even those that were considered my friends just hung arround me to use me. As I went through school I became very asocial. Not anti-social, for I dearly wanted friends, but I lacked the knowledge and understanding to socialize with the people arround me. Elementry school was hard. I went to bed every night praying I wouldn't wake up, and woke up every day wishing I hadn't. At school it became diffacult to learn, because I was to busie worring about my surroundings and what was going to happen next. I begged my parrents to let me learn martial arts, but they wouldn't let me because they thought it would be to dangerous for me. They didn't know how dangerous it already was for me every day. I never told them, I never could. They tried so hard to be good parents, to hard I think. So as I grew up I became hardened and detached...apathedic. Eventualy I all but lost the ability to expierence emotion, be it good or bad. High school was better. Upon reflection, it was probably the high point in my life. Unfortunately, I had started to become that which I so hated in elementery school, a bully. During high school, I started to 'feel' again. Unfortunately, most of the feelings were of hate and distrust. I wanted a friend so bad...would have done anything, anything at all for one. But the only thing I found out during high school almost broke me. I have a sister, at the age of about 15, I find out that I have a sister. She's actualy a half-sister, from my fathers previous marrige. Now, one would normaly thing this a great thing, finding out about a sibling. For me though, it was horrible. I was so lonely for so long, that when I learned that I had a sister, I became furious. I'm not sure, but I think it had to have been around this time that I lost my faith. I fell into a deep depression, one I still haven't really recovered from. My sisters name is Terry. Shes about 10 years my senior I believe. I'm 24 now and I've never met her. People say that the worst thing is having a sibling and not having enough time away from them. I hate them and I envy them. All my life all I wanted is a friend, a confidant...someone to talk to and spend time with. And I find out that I have a sister, I almost died. The next couple years, though good, were dangerous for me. I've never been in good shape, always been overweight. I hate myself for that. What I hate even more though is the fact that I can't change it by myself. I've tried, but when you have no 'reason', there's not much reason. After high school I lost contact with everyone. I was working at Blockbuster Video as a manager. It was a job that I both loved and hated. I got the job through one of my gaming 'friends'. Gaming (RPG's) means a lot to me. So does reading. Both are a great way to excape this world, to go someplace where things are ok, where I don't hurt all the time. I believe with all my heart that the saying 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' has a lot of merrit. I try not to make the same mistakes twice, try to learn from everything that hurts me. I'm not affraid of death, but I think that my biggest fear is to die alone. Like I said earlier, I'm 24 now. I have many 'friends', but I don't know if I have any friends. I'd like to think I do. I try so hard to make people like me. I'm so lonely, I just don't know what to do. Every time I open up to someone, think that they are my friend, I just get hurt. It's not fair. My whole life I've tried to get along with everyone, to please everyone, in hopes that they'd like me and be my friend. My real problem is that I dont know how to talk to people. I've never hung out, been on the in croud, been cool, done the norm. It's not from lack of trying, it's just that I dont know how. So I find all my friends to be alleged 'geeks', just like me. Geeks...what are geeks? They are no less important than anyone else, thats for sure. I have more respect for most geeks I know than anyone else. Geeks are the strong people, the people that have been stepped on and sneard at, and then get up and move on. Geeks are the little heros of everyday life. But sometimes, sometimes its hard to get up, its hard to move on. The times when your alone and by yourself you start to think and wonder. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Times like these are when you need a 'reason'. Bad things usealy happen to those who can't find a 'reason'. Sometimes worse things happen to those who do.
I'm not real sure why I'm writing this...for that matter, I'm honestly not real sure what I just wrote. Earlier, I believe I mentioned that my biggest fear was to die alone. My second biggest fear is rejection. I'm affraid to be rejected. I want so bad to have friends, to have someone that's more than a friend...but I'm affraid of being rejected, and I'm affraid of the consequences thereafter. I try to cling so hard to what I have, that I'm affraid I push my friends away. But, I dont know what else to do, how else to act. Your "One thing" changes from time to time. For example: when your alone, its a friend. when you have friends, it's a companion. when you have a companion, its family. when you have a family, its yourself(to take care of your family). Of course your "One thing" doesn't have to be a person, but I'd immagin that most are.
For me, I guess the questions are: How big of a chance is worth taking? How much impact will it have on my life? What happens if I get rejected? Who are my real friends? What do I do if I lose my 'reason'? Can I continue without a 'reason'? If I can, is there a point?
I've lost my train of thought. Oh yea, 'reasons' and "One things". I now know what my 'reason' is, but I have no idea how to advance with it. I'm affraid that if I do anything wrong I'll lose my "One thing" and then I to will be truely lost. I'm not done here, I know there's more to say, I know that some of what I said is confusing and I probaly said to much about some things. But its now after 2am and I have to get up in 4 1/2 hrs for work so I'm going to cut it 'short'. If anyone has any advice about any of this gibberish please help.