Why?
I've cared for people all my life. I try not to think for myself, but everyone becomes selfish. It's mans inner nature. But i've come to a point where i find that i'm relying on everyone else, trying to find my own support for my own problems. I still try to help out other people, my freinds, my family. My mother. She needs my help now more then anything. It's how i feel. it's like i'm the only connection she has left. But...is it too much? I'm so afraid that if i want to leave her, it will shatter her, mentally, physically. I'm afraid she won't find anyone else...she's never been alone in her life, and i don't want to be the last one to leave her to be alone. Am i selfish for wanting to leave though? To start my own life if at all possible? But what damage will i leave in my wake?
I hear my mom cry out in the middle of the night if i'm awake for some reason, mostly at 1 am in the morning. Her nightmares tell me her fears. the most recent was maybe two days ago. She called my name three times, asking where i was. She's not loud, but loud enough to be heard over my fathers snores. Everytime i hear these things, i cry. Am i pathetic? I feel weak everytime, and i blame myself for everything. I feel like i can't help her anymore...everything i'm trying starts to fail in front of me because i want to get out of the house. Once again, am i being selfish?
I hate crying. Rena may disagree, she tells me tears heal. i wish they would heal my mother. I know she cries almost every week. she denies it, but theirs tell-tale signs, and i sometimes wish she wouldn't hide it from me. I've asked myself if i hate the fact that my mom has become very attached to me. My answer, unfortunatley, is yes. And i hate myself everytime i say it. Why, you might ask? Well, the same reason stated above in the first paragraph. I fear that i might hurt her if i want to start my own life.
So judge me now. Am i, a seventeen year old boy, who cries weak and selfish? Afraid of everything that might happen? Whatever your judgment may be, i welcome it. Because i don't give a fuck who you are. Your comment may affect a decision i will make in the future, but it won't change me deeply. I see it everyday, and i pity those who judge before they know. Maybe thats why i try to help everyone...everyone else seems to need it.
I hear my mom cry out in the middle of the night if i'm awake for some reason, mostly at 1 am in the morning. Her nightmares tell me her fears. the most recent was maybe two days ago. She called my name three times, asking where i was. She's not loud, but loud enough to be heard over my fathers snores. Everytime i hear these things, i cry. Am i pathetic? I feel weak everytime, and i blame myself for everything. I feel like i can't help her anymore...everything i'm trying starts to fail in front of me because i want to get out of the house. Once again, am i being selfish?
I hate crying. Rena may disagree, she tells me tears heal. i wish they would heal my mother. I know she cries almost every week. she denies it, but theirs tell-tale signs, and i sometimes wish she wouldn't hide it from me. I've asked myself if i hate the fact that my mom has become very attached to me. My answer, unfortunatley, is yes. And i hate myself everytime i say it. Why, you might ask? Well, the same reason stated above in the first paragraph. I fear that i might hurt her if i want to start my own life.
So judge me now. Am i, a seventeen year old boy, who cries weak and selfish? Afraid of everything that might happen? Whatever your judgment may be, i welcome it. Because i don't give a fuck who you are. Your comment may affect a decision i will make in the future, but it won't change me deeply. I see it everyday, and i pity those who judge before they know. Maybe thats why i try to help everyone...everyone else seems to need it.