(no subject)
I wouldn't swap the pain
For never knowing you
I wouldn't swap the pain
'Cause it was worth it for the view
Jess shared this beautiful new song with me. And I think it is just what I needed. I'm sitting in my backyard on what feels like a cool summer night, sipping red wine because alcohol thins the blood, and makes love flow so much more easily from me. Blood that pumps through my heart, in and out of my organs, all the way to my fingertips, spilling onto these pages that don't mean much to anyone but me.
Sometimes I really wonder if I want to have children. I wonder if I am delicate enough not to ruin them. Children are sponges. And they are not selective. They soak up every ounce of what you pour into their worlds. And if you are not careful, if you are not conscious of all that you do, they will sop up the spills, absorb your messes, and you will stain them with all of your silly, selfish mistakes.
And then we spend the entirety of our adolescence trying to make sense of the stains. We bleach and scrub, and tend to the motherfuckers as if we ever had a fighting chance against them. And we swear to ourselves that we will never be so careless with the ones that we love. We will never be so selfish, leaving gaping holes in the hearts of the innocent.
I could sing the sob story forever. I know it. I've seen it in the faces of those that I love. It is reflected in my eyes when I am corageous enough to look into them. And I don't know that it ever really gets better.
But I know that it gets bearable. I know that we can be bigger than it. We can rise above it, and be more than the things that have happened to us. We can stop crying over our stories, pick up the pen, pull out a fresh sheet of paper and write something new. We can cry into the laps of those that understand. We can synchronize our heavy heartbeats, take comfort in eachothers tragic beginnings and find a means to a less tragic end. We can laugh through the pain, and lighten the load for one another. Because it is too much to take on alone. Because love is more productive than hate. And forgiveness wears much more beautifully than anger.
"Make them wonder why you're still smiling."