What a day.
I want so badly to believe That there is truth And love is real And I want life in every word To the extent that it's absurd.
Today was a beautiful day, for so many reasons. I wonder how Matty is feeling at this very moment. I wish that psychic twin shit would kick in. I wish it were mid-June. I wish I could hop in my car and head for the pacific coast. I wish I could hit the beach by 11 and walk right into the ocean. Winter, you have been so good to me. But I'm ready to wave you goodbye, my dear friend.
Socrates said it best: The unexamined life is not worth living. Cheers:
"Rules: Write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you."
Fuck that tagging bullshit. I just want to reflect.
1. If you paint your dog's nails, I think you are ridiculous. You have no business being a pet-owner and I want to sock you in the face. I hate your guts.
2. I lied; I don't think I hate anyone that exists on the Earth and don't know that I ever could. But I have led a very blessed life.
3. I have a hard time praising myself. It is incredibly difficult for me to detect the line that rests between confidence and arrogance. I fear that it is as thin as it is invisible and, thus, avoid it like the Bubonic Plague. If you compliment me, please don't be offended if it is followed an awkward joke in place of a "Thank you." I just don't know what to do!
4. Some of my favorite (and only) memories of my childhood are my fort-building adventures with Matthew. We constructed the most glorious imaginary castles--complete with moat and many-a-crocodile. They were beautiful and I am able to see now, years later, that he inspires things within me that I cannot put into words.
5. I don't understand why I cry so much. I just started crying while finishing number 4. It really is uncontrollable and certainly isn't for attention. But I've never been ashamed of it, and I never will be.
6. I really really don't like granny smith apples. Really. I dislike most sour things. I was never into warheads, sweet tarts, or any of the other ugly-face inducing delights.
7. I really do think I have a speech impediment...or something. My stuttering is worsening with age. And I worry that it will be the death of me in due time. Also, I'm somewhat convinced I'm dyslexic. And if you think I'm being paranoid, you can suck my D. Jess, that means you.
8. I have these vivid images in my head that feel like fractions of memories. I am much too embarrassed to ask if they actually happened. It bothers me sometimes.
9. I love arts and crafts. If I could, I would spend a disgusting amount of money in some fancy craft store and busy myself for weeks. Popsicle sticks, vats of play-dough, pipe cleaners--gimme' it all.
10. Sometimes I get so angry with the people that I love. But I'm very good at hiding it. Some people may call this being "fake" but I think it's necessary. We all tug at each other's nerves. I almost feel as if it's selfish to confront someone when something bothers me. It is much easier for me to bite my tongue and let it go, then it is to hurt someone.
11. I really enjoy smushing things between my fingers. Fruit, mud, dough of any sort. Give me something squishable and I am in heaven.
12. I am stealing Melanie's idea. If I were on death row and I had to plan out my very last meal , it would go as follows: A chicken Caesar salad with Parmesan croutons and olives galore, my mother's chicken tortilla soup, my grandmother's eggplant Parmesan, Lidia's cabbage rolls, a Shogun Rain Roll, chocolate ice cream and a jumbo chocolate covered strawberry. I wouldn't be surprised if the meal killed me before the chair.
13. I love to sing. I know I have a gut-wrenching voice (I'm sure you know too) but it doesn't phase me. I think the most appealing part of singing is the high that follows the release of that energy. I feel the same way about screaming. Sometimes we all just need to fucking scream. It is a physical release of all the muck that is going on inside of our souls. It's corny, and so am I.
14. Some days I just want to shut off my cell phone, withdraw every penny from my bank account, buy ten thousand packs of cigarettes, one million gallons of Arizona green tea and drive far away from everything. Not some days. Many, many days. I truly know that I could live happily alone on the road for a while. But I also know that having things to miss is a priceless gift.
15. If you have a warm laugh, I will probably fall in love with you. Sorry!
16. I hate dull pencils. If my pencil is dull, I can focus on nothing but finding means to sharpen the fucking pencil. I hate dull pencils.
17. More than any language in the world, I wish I could speak Spanish. I know that's weird, that there are much more "beautiful" languages. But Spanish is beautiful in that it is connects us with so many different people and places. Plus, no one with half a brain would make the assumption that I, the white ass girl that I am, know Spanish. Eavesdropping would be awesome.
18. Don't fart in front of me if you don't want to be laughed at. I'm begging you. I am a two-year-old. I don't care who you are, your farts are comedy to me. Farts will always be funny, and I cannot control my laughter upon hearing and/or smelling them. I'm the creep, not you.
19. I am proud of my bravery. Sometimes when I give into the worst version of myself, I can see so clearly, all the things and people that have broken my heart. I think that the world has given me many reasons to crave numbness. But I won't. I think feeling anything at all is beautiful. If nothing else, it is real.
20. I'd choose wheat over white any day.
21. My idea of what is attractive seems to be different than most people's. I am attracted to mystery, darkness, people that have felt pain. I am drawn to men that look and feel like they have stories. I am attracted to the scar-tissue, the anger and the frustration and the hurt. I fall in love with those that are convinced of there unlovable-ness. It reminds me of that Cary Brother's song: "You are the loneliest girl in the world. And I just want to make it go away." I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing. But I don't see it changing.
22. One of my favorite feelings in the world is the drag of a cigarette right after something terribly stressful happens. It's gross, I know. But it's the truth. Also, I absolutely love when I don't have to explain why I'm upset about something. I love that I can look to my best friend and not need to search for words that adequately explain the pain. I love knowing that it is not only understood, but shared. Sometimes it is just too much all alone. I don't know that it gets much better than that.
23. Flavorless watermelon makes me angry
24. I am almost certain that I will die young. I don't know if it's because I cannot force myself to see an old, tired face in the mirror. I don't know if it's something inexplicably innate. I just don't know. I hope I'm wrong.
25. Some days I really wish I had a dad. I think it would be cool! It doesn't make me sad. Just curious..