contemplation
just spent the last hour of my evening watching the last hour of Le Pacte des Loups, and drinking two beers. no matter how little the fundamental reality of my current life enchants me, i still do really enjoy a whole lot of things. beer and a good film making a good example. just really nice, you know?
and looking forward to seeing Val and Paul.
but tonight i did hit upon the major area of dissatisfaction in my life right now: it's that nothing about my current life or my proposed future enchants me, or even particularly excites me for that matter. up until getting a real job, there were always things in the future that really excited me, whether it was china or the illusion i had that living in germany was in some way going to be inherently cool...
and now it just seems that i've run out of unreality; and i'm just left with one or the other sort of reality. even the notion of going back to university dosn't excite me. nothing does. i need to try to work out what i want, because right now there just seems to be one or the other sort of subsisting, existing, being alive. the idea i had for my aim, of becoming a lit prof and stuff, doesn't do much for me. work makes me feel disillusioned and basically defeated. work at 8am tomorrow. the germans suck; who in the hell starts work at 8am!
really the only thing that appeals to me at all is the idea of spending the rest of my life collecting languages, becoming fluent in them one after the other until i'm a 70yo polyglot who can chat with an indian in punjabi and a finn in finnish. seriously. and there's no reason i shouldn't, i guess. except i don't know how. and am afraid of feeling like i've achieved nothing - though becoming a lit prof is just a matter of taking the courses and applying for jobs, which is a crappy achievement and leaves you teaching Kleist to stupid undergrads who don't appreciate literature .
maybe i just realised what i should spend my life doing.
i have fondly imagined becoming a raving polyglot for about a decade. maybe i should pursue that.