(no subject)
I think, that my biggest fear about being engaged, and eventually married, young as I am, would be that it would lessen the experiences and experimentation in my life. And I was right to be worried. I love Adam so much, and I DO want to be with him forever, but he's so reserved, and ready to hold me back. He gets mad when I drink, talk about being away from home, when I talk about the military, hang out with people he doesn't know. I ideally have a long life ahead of me. I don't want to spend the next fifty years in a constant loop of work (job I hate), clean (because he won't do it himself), sleep (poorly), eat (when we can afford it), and surviving.
I don't want to exist I want to LIVE I want to experience things. 4 years in the military? Not long in the scope of life. Also keeps me in shape I guess. Roller Derby? Maybe I decided to do it because I was lonely. I needed a team environment, people who would let me be me. It was something that made me a little different. I don't want to sit on my ass and get lazy and eat crap, and do nothing notable in my life. I want Adam to be there for all of it, and I would never complain about the concern and worry he shows for me, but I want him to slacken the leash I guess. I don't want his reservations dictating MY life. I wish he would just accept things that I want to do without feeling like I have to sell him on it, or accept that he is going to be pissed regardless. I want him to understand my perspective. I can understand his, I really can. I know he doesn't want me hurt, but what's life without some skinned knees? I crave physical hardship and defeating expections. I need to be challenged, and not just by Mass Effect on Insane difficulty. I need to achieve something.
I don't have some magical afterlife waiting for me. I have one chance to not fuck this life up. And I am determined to end it healthy, experienced, active, and HAPPY.
I don't want to exist I want to LIVE I want to experience things. 4 years in the military? Not long in the scope of life. Also keeps me in shape I guess. Roller Derby? Maybe I decided to do it because I was lonely. I needed a team environment, people who would let me be me. It was something that made me a little different. I don't want to sit on my ass and get lazy and eat crap, and do nothing notable in my life. I want Adam to be there for all of it, and I would never complain about the concern and worry he shows for me, but I want him to slacken the leash I guess. I don't want his reservations dictating MY life. I wish he would just accept things that I want to do without feeling like I have to sell him on it, or accept that he is going to be pissed regardless. I want him to understand my perspective. I can understand his, I really can. I know he doesn't want me hurt, but what's life without some skinned knees? I crave physical hardship and defeating expections. I need to be challenged, and not just by Mass Effect on Insane difficulty. I need to achieve something.
I don't have some magical afterlife waiting for me. I have one chance to not fuck this life up. And I am determined to end it healthy, experienced, active, and HAPPY.