Classic Think About It: The Quasi-Luddite's Computer Quest
Considering my current quest in life, the hunt for a new computer, I thought it would be interesting to go back and read the column I wrote the last time I did something like this. Originally presented on April 19, 2003:
THE QUASI-LUDDITE'S COMPUTER QUEST
It wasn’t something I was planning to do anytime soon, particularly because every time I do something like this I find a way to make things so complicated that the fates necessitate I write a column about it, but last weekend I decided it was time to throw caution into the very wind I was spitting into while looking down the barrel of the proverbial gun. It was time to make that brave maneuver so daring it is being considered as a major plot element in the next “Indiana Jones” move. It was time to buy a new laptop computer.
Now my old laptop was fine for what I did with it -- mainly writing and using the database -- but there is so much more I’d like to be able to do with a computer, most of it involving things like the classic documentary video game “Myst.” My old laptop was just getting old and outdated. It has no CD-Rom drive, no modem, and it’s starting to take several minutes to load the database of my comic book collection, although this may have something to do with the fact that the database has approximately 9,900 entries. Furthermore, the computer was purchased secondhand from the Canadian government and I was getting sick and tired of it inserting “eh?” after every line of dialogue I typed.
(Note to my Canadian readers, both of you: Yes, I know you don’t actually say “eh?” after every sentence and that this is a cruel and heartless stereotype. Sadly for you, it’s an easy joke.)
Anyway, I’m pretty dense as far as computers go. I can operate one competently enough, but I have no clue how they actually function. I’m almost an involuntary Luddite. I knew I’d need help.
I mentioned the subject to my old buddy Jason, figuring he may have some advice. Jason is one of those folks who somehow seems to know everything about computers without the benefit of formal training. He frequently uses words like “megabytes” and “kilowatts” and “gigahooties” in everyday conversation the way you or I would use the word “burrito.”
Jason’s expertise, as it is, extends to the point where he recently built a computer for the wife of our friend Jarrod, who is currently in deployed to a certain middle eastern hot spot you may have heard mention of on the news. (We love you, Jarrod. Stay safe, God bless you.) Now I’m still not entirely sure what Jason means by “building” a computer. I have a mental image of him holding a little hammer and nails, pounding the sides onto a disc drive and occasionally sticking a screwdriver into the back to see if he can access the Drudge Report yet.
Jason and I traveled to one of those computer “superstores,” where we examined many computer “components” that he allegedly “used” to build “this” computer. Things like green cards with circuits on them. Lots of cables. Flashing lights. Dilithium crystals. I’m pretty certain I saw a hamster on a wheel somewhere.
It was clear that building a computer was not the best option for me. My effort would essentially consist of me prying open the top of a monitor, dumping random parts into it and then shouting at the blank screen until Jeff, the computer tech from my office, came by and told me the problem was something absurdly simple, like I had the hamster running the wrong way.
Fortunately, there were other options, as evidenced when my Uncle Todd told me a company known only as “Dell” was having a big sale on its website. It took me a while to hunt around and decide exactly what I wanted in my new machine, and even longer to figure out if the model laptop I was looking at came with those features or if they would make me pay lots of extra dollars for them. For instance, I was quite surprised to learn that laptops no longer come with 3-1/4’ disc drives standard. They use some sort of “memory key” now. Some speculate that discs are being phased out. I, on the other hand, consider it more likely that these computer companies are slowly approaching a point where you will have to order each individual computer molecule separately then pay them extra to put it all together.
On the plus side, the laptop came with a DVD upgrade, which will enable me to fulfill my lifelong dream of being able to watch “The Muppet Show” in virtually any environment.
So the new computer should arrive in a few weeks, followed shortly by the credit card bill. I’m not sure what I’ll do with the old laptop yet. Maybe sell it. Maybe pass it over to my sister. Maybe I’ll hold on to it long enough to sell it on eBay as the computer a famous author once used to compose his first novel and most of his second one. Think of it -- it’ll be like owning DaVinci’s paintbrush, Mark Twain’s typewriter or the spittoon Mel Blanc used to spit carrots into while he was doing the voice of Bugs Bunny.
Or maybe I’ll just keep it around to play “Solitaire,” I don’t know.
Blake M. Petit still doesn’t know how many kilobarts his new computer has, but if it can tell him how many issues of “Captain America” he owns any faster than the old one, he’ll be happy. Contact him with comments, suggestions or tips for getting past the dragon on level 16 of that game he’s playing, you know the one, at BlakePT@cox.net.