Classic Think About It: Time For Another Hurricane Update
Well, with the first Tropical Storm of the 2006 season spinning around over Florida right now (thankfully not causing much damage), I thought this may be a nice time to look back at Hurricane Seasons Past. Here's a column from Sept. 28, 2002...
TIME FOR ANOTHER HURRICANE UPDATE
As I edit this on Thursday morning we here in St. Charles Parish (all of the Gulf Coast, actually) are sitting around after getting the behoozis pummeled out of us by Tropical Hurricane or Whatever Isidore. Which of course brings to mind the important scientific question -- why on Earth do we keep giving hurricanes these weenie names?
I get on this particular rant every time a storm starts bearing down on us, because every time a storm starts bearing down on us it invariably has some fru-fru name like Georges or Pierre or Percy -- the kind of name that you don’t give an actual child because it’s practically an invitation for kids on the school yard to beat him within an inch of his life.
I’ve said it a thousand times and I’ll say it a thousand times more if I have to -- if I’m going to get killed by a natural phenomenon, I want it to sound tougher than “Isidore.” The only male Isidore I can think of was Isidore Freling, the old Looney Tunes animator, and even he had the good sense to go by the nickname “Friz,” knowing that if he went around letting people call him “Isidore” he was just opening himself up for ridicule. Chuck Jones and Tex Avery probably conspired to drop a piano on his head at one point.
But I digress. We got soaked, is the point I’m really getting after. We’ve had some flooding, some downed trees, some minor structural damage... but for the most part, it looks like we got lucky. Things could have been a heck of a lot worse.
At the moment, they’re predicting things will be clear by the time you’re reading this. But if the storm is still in the area -- or if that Tropical Storm Lili has stirred up by now (Lili. Lili. If you’ve got to give a hurricane a woman’s name beginning with “L” make it “Lizzie Borden” or something for crying out loud.) then there are certain things we all need to keep in mind. There are plenty of hurricane survival tips we’re all familiar with by now -- stock up on extra batteries, fill the bathtub with water to flush the toilet, look both ways before crossing the street in case the winds have picked up a Buick and are throwing it at you like a Hot Wheels car, etc. -- but there are some other tips we should remember; tips to not only make surviving this hurricane easier, but a heck of a lot of fun as well.
Tip Number One: Don’t be stupid. Recent studies provided by the Think About It Institute show that 99 percent of hurricane-related deaths are suffered by people who were stupid, and by “stupid” I mean “still there.” Hurricanes move at like eight miles an hour. You can outrun that. You can outrun that on a scooter. So if a really bad hurricane is a-coming, get your butt a-outta there.
Tip Number Two: Do not stand in the middle of a hurricane with a microphone and a camera crew. Oddly enough, most broadcast journalists are as bad about this as they are about predicting the outcome of elections before the polls even close (or, in some cases, open). Television weatherpersons seem to be under the assumption that unless they are personally standing in 150-mile per hour winds, smiling cheerfully as a cow flies by in the background, no one will understand there is a hurricane out there. Guys, I’m here to tell you, we believe it. Go inside, for cryin’ out loud. And somebody tie the rest of the livestock down before it blows away.
Tip Number Three: Buy lots of wood. This is the first thing people do when they hear a storm is coming. Wood has a variety of uses -- you can board up your windows, construct mechanisms to catch television personalities who are flying by and then hold them for ransom (how much do you think ABC would pay to get Peter Jennings back?) or weigh down the livestock.
Tip Number Four: Remember, the word “its” is a possessive term referring to something belonging to “it,” whereas “it’s” is a contraction meaning “it is.” This tip is not, technically, hurricane-related, but I get press releases all the time that screw that up and it drives me bonkers. I also advise you to look up the difference between “your” and “you’re”.
Tip Number Five: Remember, just because your neighbor’s barbecue pit just smashed through your plate-glass window and the power has gone out before your microwave burrito was finished and your teenage son somehow lost grandma when he was driving her over from the home to ride out the storm and Lassie is trying to tell you Timmy fell down the well again and you think the guy your daughter has been dating is involved in some sort of satanic rituals is no reason to panic.
Okay. Maybe a little.
Blake M. Petit is currently making plans to be on another continent the next time a storm hits. Contact him with comments, suggestions or more useful hints for all this wood he just bought at BlakePT@cox.net or visit the Evertime Realms LiveJournal,
blakemp.
TIME FOR ANOTHER HURRICANE UPDATE
As I edit this on Thursday morning we here in St. Charles Parish (all of the Gulf Coast, actually) are sitting around after getting the behoozis pummeled out of us by Tropical Hurricane or Whatever Isidore. Which of course brings to mind the important scientific question -- why on Earth do we keep giving hurricanes these weenie names?
I get on this particular rant every time a storm starts bearing down on us, because every time a storm starts bearing down on us it invariably has some fru-fru name like Georges or Pierre or Percy -- the kind of name that you don’t give an actual child because it’s practically an invitation for kids on the school yard to beat him within an inch of his life.
I’ve said it a thousand times and I’ll say it a thousand times more if I have to -- if I’m going to get killed by a natural phenomenon, I want it to sound tougher than “Isidore.” The only male Isidore I can think of was Isidore Freling, the old Looney Tunes animator, and even he had the good sense to go by the nickname “Friz,” knowing that if he went around letting people call him “Isidore” he was just opening himself up for ridicule. Chuck Jones and Tex Avery probably conspired to drop a piano on his head at one point.
But I digress. We got soaked, is the point I’m really getting after. We’ve had some flooding, some downed trees, some minor structural damage... but for the most part, it looks like we got lucky. Things could have been a heck of a lot worse.
At the moment, they’re predicting things will be clear by the time you’re reading this. But if the storm is still in the area -- or if that Tropical Storm Lili has stirred up by now (Lili. Lili. If you’ve got to give a hurricane a woman’s name beginning with “L” make it “Lizzie Borden” or something for crying out loud.) then there are certain things we all need to keep in mind. There are plenty of hurricane survival tips we’re all familiar with by now -- stock up on extra batteries, fill the bathtub with water to flush the toilet, look both ways before crossing the street in case the winds have picked up a Buick and are throwing it at you like a Hot Wheels car, etc. -- but there are some other tips we should remember; tips to not only make surviving this hurricane easier, but a heck of a lot of fun as well.
Tip Number One: Don’t be stupid. Recent studies provided by the Think About It Institute show that 99 percent of hurricane-related deaths are suffered by people who were stupid, and by “stupid” I mean “still there.” Hurricanes move at like eight miles an hour. You can outrun that. You can outrun that on a scooter. So if a really bad hurricane is a-coming, get your butt a-outta there.
Tip Number Two: Do not stand in the middle of a hurricane with a microphone and a camera crew. Oddly enough, most broadcast journalists are as bad about this as they are about predicting the outcome of elections before the polls even close (or, in some cases, open). Television weatherpersons seem to be under the assumption that unless they are personally standing in 150-mile per hour winds, smiling cheerfully as a cow flies by in the background, no one will understand there is a hurricane out there. Guys, I’m here to tell you, we believe it. Go inside, for cryin’ out loud. And somebody tie the rest of the livestock down before it blows away.
Tip Number Three: Buy lots of wood. This is the first thing people do when they hear a storm is coming. Wood has a variety of uses -- you can board up your windows, construct mechanisms to catch television personalities who are flying by and then hold them for ransom (how much do you think ABC would pay to get Peter Jennings back?) or weigh down the livestock.
Tip Number Four: Remember, the word “its” is a possessive term referring to something belonging to “it,” whereas “it’s” is a contraction meaning “it is.” This tip is not, technically, hurricane-related, but I get press releases all the time that screw that up and it drives me bonkers. I also advise you to look up the difference between “your” and “you’re”.
Tip Number Five: Remember, just because your neighbor’s barbecue pit just smashed through your plate-glass window and the power has gone out before your microwave burrito was finished and your teenage son somehow lost grandma when he was driving her over from the home to ride out the storm and Lassie is trying to tell you Timmy fell down the well again and you think the guy your daughter has been dating is involved in some sort of satanic rituals is no reason to panic.
Okay. Maybe a little.
Blake M. Petit is currently making plans to be on another continent the next time a storm hits. Contact him with comments, suggestions or more useful hints for all this wood he just bought at BlakePT@cox.net or visit the Evertime Realms LiveJournal,
blakemp.