Think About It: New Shows From the Picket Line
Here we are, friends. It's been over two months now, with no end in sight. We at home sit, watch, waiting for this most dramatic conflict in the history of the human condition to finally reach its resolution, and we're almost to the point where we don't even care who wins anymore. All we know is that we can't get any new episodes of Chuck, and it's pissing us off. We wait, friends, desperately praying for the end of the Writer's Guild of America strike.
I've been following this whole little drama a lot closer than I usually do any sort of news story, because for once it's about people I can relate to -- writers. (Most big news involves truly reprehensible people that I can't feel any affinity for, like murderers, terrorists, or politicians.) I've even managed to turn it into a semi-regular topic of conversation among my ninth graders, who also feel greater consequence about the story after they realized that Hannah Montana does, in fact, employ writers, and that they won't be making any new shows while the strike continues. This has also inspired a great debate over the relative merits of Family Guy and whether or not their wrestling shows are, in fact, real or not. Yeah, I know, but at least they're thinking about something.
If you haven't followed the news, here's the gist of it. About 25 years age, the people who write TV shows and movies agreed to take a temporary pay reduction until VHS became a viable format for the home consumer. VHS came, went, lived and died as a format, and the temporary reduction was never retracted and, in fact, transferred to DVD. When the writers' contract expired in November, they asked to bump up their cut of DVD sales (I forget the exact percentage, but it basically would go from a 4-cent cut for each $20 DVD sold to an 8-cent cut) and for the same percentage to apply to internet sales, which hadn't been included in the old contract and for which the writers currently get paid diddly and squat. Yes, I am on the side of the writers here. If that surprises you, I can only assume this is the first time you've ever read this column. Welcome! Tip your waitress!
But regardless of what side you fall on here, one thing is undeniable: we're running out of television. Most of the shows I actually watch regularly have already run out of episodes -- Heroes, The Office -- and others like Chuck and Smallville are running on borrowed time. Lost, which was always supposed to return in January of this year, only has half a season filmed (which means I'll holy have 162 unanswered questions by May instead of 324), Smallville is down to its last five episodes and only 60 unaired minutes of Chuck remain for the season. The question is, if the strike isn't resolved soon, what will we watch?
Reality television is returning. Have you watched The Celebrity Apprentice yet? Have you ever wondered whether Gene Simmons, Stephen Baldwin or Marilu Henner had greater business acumen? Does Omarosa technically count as a "celebrity," as the only claim she has to notoriety is being the most annoying person ever to compete on the non-Celebrity version of the show?
American Gladiators has returned as well, and while I know some readers who happen to be my father are making fun of the show, I've gotta admit I kinda like it. I always dug it when I was a kid, and the premiere of the new version seemed to have everything I liked about the old show, although I could admittedly have done without hearing Hulk Hogan refer to the defeated contender as "brother" 74 times during the last two minutes of the show.
Game shows! How long has it been since you've had your fix of 1 Vs. 100 or The Power of 10? Wait no more, my friends. Game shows are actually doubly-beneficial in the midst of the writer's strike. First of all, even a game show with a million-dollar payoff is cheap for a TV network to produce when compared to a scripted show, and second, since virtually every game show has to be hosted by a washed-up comedian these days, a lot of actors are getting work in during the strike as well.
The thing is, I'm fairly certain that I could come up with shows that are better than any of the ones I've mentioned. And by "fairly" I mean "conclusively." So, in the interest of keeping interesting television on the air until the strike concludes and making a preposterous amount of money for myself in the process, I would like to offer up the following ideas to any of the television executives who read this column voraciously on a regular basis. (I assume that is all of them.)
Whose Toes Are These? In this new reality program, each week a panel of celebrity guests will stick their toes through tiny holes in a black dropcloth, while players from home will attempt to identify them merely by the minute appendages. In round two, each toe will have a trivia question about the actor's career written on the top and the answer on the bottom. The prize for guessing the most celebrities correctly will be a new, toe-shaped mansion. PROS: Fame-thirsty celebrities who haven't been able to work since November, will fall all over each other just for the chance to be on TV again. CONS: Particularly attractive actresses afraid of showing how ugly their feet are may decline.
Everybody Loves Everybody. On the front lines of the writer's strike, camera crews will follow different writers as they
talk about how awesome the current seasons of their respective shows would have been if they could have seen them through to the end. Watch as The Office's Greg Daniels teases the vital developments in the Dwight/Angela/Andy love triangle. Thrill as Heroes producer Jeph Loeb explains how the newest character on the show would have possessed the uncanny ability to telekinetically spell messages to people in bowls of alphabet soup! Sit on the edge of your seat as Lost's Damon Lindeloff and Carlton Cuse spent 60 minutes making increasingly cryptic statements without actually revealing anything!
Why Didn't You Watch This the First Time Showcase. Since there aren't any new shows being produced, this would be the perfect opportunity to take brilliant shows that nobody watched the first time around that were, consequently, cancelled. And since there's not much else on, they'll probably get watched this time. Firefly. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Boomtown. You screwed up by not watching them when they were on the air before! Now's your chance to make up for it!
And the best thing is, you know you'll watch all of these shows. What else are you gonna do for entertainment? Read a book?
Blake M. Petit wrote two books, you know. Both available on Amazon.com. And a third is now being released as a podcast novel. Get 'em. He dares ya. Contact him with comments or suggestions at BlakePT@cox.net.