Think About It: Et Tu, Chicken Little?
Here in Southern Louisiana, we live in a precarious situation. On the one hand, Hurricane Katrina in 2005 was a wake-up call. We had lived for decades with a false sense of security, not having suffered the devastation of a major storm, taking for granted that every storm would weaken or turn instead of slamming into us, not heeding the warnings of those who said the levees were too weak or the city too far below sea level. We needed that wake-up call.
On the other hand, there's wake-up calls, and then there are the jackasses who kick over your garbage cans at 3 a.m., blare music at the top volume level, blow cigarette smoke directly into smoke detectors and hook you up with an intravenous drip connecting you directly to a 32-ouse espresso machine. Guess which of these applies to the current state of the news media.
Go 'head. Guess.
If you haven't heard, there has been a storm churning near the Gulf of Mexico for several days now. This storm, at various times, has been predicted to skirt the gulf coast, slam into Texas, drift through the gulf, dance north into Georgia, or ram straight into New Orleans with the ferocity of a thousand atomic bombs guided by an irate postal inspector. You may think I am exaggerating. You may also think that O.J. Simpson was just in the wrong place at the wrong time in that casino. In both cases, I'm afraid I must mock you incessantly.
Look, of course we should take any threat of a storm seriously, but that doesn't mean go into full-on panic mode. I've spent the last three days watching a variety of news sources to try to piece together a legitimate threat assessment of the storm that has so severely threatened us. Here, in a nutshell, is a brief summary of what I learned:
"Thanks for joining us here at ActionChannel 11, your only source for all the best weather. The United Association of Meteorologists With Stock in Home Depot are tracking a new storm system off the coast of Florida. At the moment, there is no reason to believe this storm system will organize into a tropical depression. The UAMWSHD recommends you stock up on lumber, first-aid kids, emergency flares and the barbecue pits that are on special this week."
"Here on WKMA 22, we're following the subtropical system currently slamming into the Florida coast! Approximately four puppies got wet this afternoon before they could get into their dog houses, and a full field of dandelions has been scattered to the four winds. What will this mean for gas prices? Find out tonight at 5, 6 and 10."
"Tonight on Channel 5 News You Trust, a deadly storm system has entered the Gulf of Mexico after pounding into Florida for upwards of 12 minutes today. At least one track aims the storm directly towards the city of New Orleans. Are we ready? No. If the storm comes in this direction, you will die. Let me repeat that: you will die. Even if your house is boarded. Even if you evacuate. Even if you keep your Channel 5 News You Trust Hurricane Tracking Map tacked to a markerboard set up in a hotel room in Reno, Nevada, This Hurricane Will Kill You. Come back at 6 to find out what toys have been recalled because of lead paint!"
"Tropical Depression Number Ten has been downgraded to a tropical wave. It's going to rain tomorrow. But we're keeping our eye on this cloud over Uruguay that looks kind of like a flying llama if you squint your eyes and tilt your head to the left. Any day now, that llama may turn into the storm that will kill you. And now, a word from Home Depot, America's leader in llama repellant since 1973!"
You want to know why so many people will be left in New Orleans when the next hurricane hits? Because eventually nobody believes the boy who cried wolf, nobody pays attention to Chicken Little, and everyone wants to beat the snot out of that smug ant that saved up all summer while the grasshopper starves. Not that the last one has anything to do with this, I've just always felt that way.
Blake may use his umbrella tomorrow. Maybe. Contact him with comments and suggestions at BlakePT@cox.net.