She shoots, she scores!

[tahmthelame]

Tonight at the library scottwoods hosted a Halloween poetry slam. It featured a convict, a cowgirl, a witch, a pirate, a wizard, and a mad scientist. As the mad scientist, I'm very pleased to report that I won! *beams*

(Although it was a highly contested fight. A kid came up to me afterwards and said "I didn't want you to win, but I guess you did anyway." Thanks, kid...)

Anyway, here are the poems I read. They were hastily written last night, but I think they turned out OK. I tried to find some online, but there is a serious dearth of mad scientist poems out there on the interwebs.


Cow-Killer

This bug is called a killer

That’s why it’s in this jar

If I would open up the top

He could leave quite a scar

But only if you’re cows, of course,

For that’s his only prey

He’s a tiny insect weapon

And with him, I’ll make you pay

My plan is very simple

I’ll clone this tiny fly

Hundreds and thousands and millions more

Until they cloud the sky

The cows won’t know what hit them

They’ll soon be almost gone

And there won’t be a cow in sight

Except those on my lawn

I’ll own the only cows, you see,

Across this whole wide land

And with the only beef supply

My wish is your command

No more McDonalds, no more steaks

No more Wendy’s or the King

I’ll charge whatever I want you to pay

…and I’ll charge everything

You’ll have to give me all your toys

I’ll want to take your money

I want your homes and cars and pets

I want all the days that are sunny

I want past and future and now and then

I want every laugh and giggle

I’ll make you pay me in mem’ries and song,

In dance and jump and wiggle

Your brothers and sisters, I’ll take them too

I can always use help in the lab

And if you still want a burger and fries

I might take your mom and your dad

Yes, this bug is really a wonderful thing

It could help me get ahead

I could rule the world with this little fly

…if only it wasn’t dead.


Ode to Mad Science

It's not so much that I am mad
It's just that I see higher
I never *wanted* to be bad
Though I like to play with fire

Pure science was my only aim
And knowledge my best prize
But I tired of every day the same
And I longed to soar the skies

On mechanical wings of gears and gold
And I yearned to go trav'ling through time
And I wanted to stop so I'd never be old
I'd build robots who knew how to rhyme

I wanted my name to be written in books
But somehow I ended up working with crooks

See, science needs money in order to run
And plutonium is hard to come by
So I set to work making my very own gun
But I didn't want anyone to die

So I made it a ray that can freeze on a dime
All those stupid enough to come stop me
And I found a good bank and committed a crime
And was caught by three heroes - yes, three

Spider Man, Batman, Incredible Hulk
I didn't even know they were friends
They'd found all my henchmen and got them to talk
As I filled up my pockets with tens

They put me away for twenty to life
But I dug a tunnel with a butter knife

So now I am wanted all over the town
But those fools will never find me
I've gone into hiding, gone underground
And I'll do what I must to stay free

I'll rebuild my empire, my flags are unfurled
And Columbus will be mine to rule
Today it's Ohio, tomorrow - the world!
And don't worry, I *will* cancel school

So if you're looking for a summertime job
And science is all that you care for
I won't ask you to thieve, I won't ask you to rob
But I promise it won't be a bore

(OH, and also: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, best sister evar!!)