Long is the road
Written by Luci, on the edge of sleep....
you know how it is? When you're falling and falling, and there are no walls, nothing really stable around you. falling and falling. What can stop it? Just somehow. A string, or a rope A ribbon. It just grazes your fingers and you hold it. You hold it without even knowing you grabbed it. And you stop falling. You just hang there. What even puts that ribbon there, how it got there, why it's wrapped around the wrist, even if you let it go, it just is there.
So it's grabbed. You see it and you realize "If this breaks, if I let go. I'll plummet". This ribbon, it just came out of no place. *nods* There was a time ago that I realized I had this ribbon in my hands. Clutching, and hanging, and thinking. "Is it even possible to let these other threads wrap around me?" And I don't know what I'm saying but it's like "is there a foothold?" There's so much that comes with knowing there is just a ribbon.
...the trip home had a huge patch of darkness in it. First, I hurt a friend, because I thought I knew better than they did and couldn't stand the possibilities of a choice they wanted to make differently than I wanted them to make it. Flair's teacher says that mind magic is an obscenity beyond obscenity and I think he's right. So just as divination is giving God the finger, so trying to coerce someone is like a five year old trying to beat someone to death with a can opener. It probably won't do more than bruise but the intent is reprehensible.
...and some conversations I'd had with Dellar about gods and cosmology and purpose had disturbed me and I felt as bad as I had since just before Nov 23rd...
and then my purse was stolen in Victoria. I made the whole trip back uneventfully. But I was so tired by the turmoil of my aforementioned misdeed when I tried to coerce my friend (communicating through my new Sidekick on the bus)...and I was dead asleep when the bus pulled into Victoria. And some bastard on the bus noticed, pried my purse from out of my sleeping hands and ran off with it. I tried to stop him but I didn't even remember what town I was in, I just heard someone yell "stop" and tried to chase the guy but I slipped and fell, and the one guy who tried to chase him down was too slow. Ironically, the sidekick fell out of my purse, and my charger was in my pocket.
But the purse had $700.00 inside. And all my identity documents except birth certificate and name change record. Because I had taken the rent money down across the border with me in case the border guards pulled that '$50.00 a day in your pocket or we turn you back' bullshit. And I was going to mail it to my landlord but I hate fussing with money orders and mail and so I phoned and asked to western union it to him and he said "ah, pay me when you're back on the 18th". And I got repaid $300.00 by Dee so I could get my next ticket. I've known for years I have to take precautions when carrying a lot of money. I never did. I'd taken strong risks a few times and not suffered for it.
I was not a happy camper.
But I got home, talked to Luci online and just said I needed to be held and...she did something somehow and I felt myself _dragged_ out of the rut I was falling into. And then she did something similar again tonight. Not with sex. Just warmth and the need for things to be better than they were. I didn't fall very far, but her words, ruminating about her own experiences the last year or two...echoed my own. and maybe of others. I certainly will work this image into what strange prayers I still articulate.
I am richer than I ever have been in my life.
you know how it is? When you're falling and falling, and there are no walls, nothing really stable around you. falling and falling. What can stop it? Just somehow. A string, or a rope A ribbon. It just grazes your fingers and you hold it. You hold it without even knowing you grabbed it. And you stop falling. You just hang there. What even puts that ribbon there, how it got there, why it's wrapped around the wrist, even if you let it go, it just is there.
So it's grabbed. You see it and you realize "If this breaks, if I let go. I'll plummet". This ribbon, it just came out of no place. *nods* There was a time ago that I realized I had this ribbon in my hands. Clutching, and hanging, and thinking. "Is it even possible to let these other threads wrap around me?" And I don't know what I'm saying but it's like "is there a foothold?" There's so much that comes with knowing there is just a ribbon.
...the trip home had a huge patch of darkness in it. First, I hurt a friend, because I thought I knew better than they did and couldn't stand the possibilities of a choice they wanted to make differently than I wanted them to make it. Flair's teacher says that mind magic is an obscenity beyond obscenity and I think he's right. So just as divination is giving God the finger, so trying to coerce someone is like a five year old trying to beat someone to death with a can opener. It probably won't do more than bruise but the intent is reprehensible.
...and some conversations I'd had with Dellar about gods and cosmology and purpose had disturbed me and I felt as bad as I had since just before Nov 23rd...
and then my purse was stolen in Victoria. I made the whole trip back uneventfully. But I was so tired by the turmoil of my aforementioned misdeed when I tried to coerce my friend (communicating through my new Sidekick on the bus)...and I was dead asleep when the bus pulled into Victoria. And some bastard on the bus noticed, pried my purse from out of my sleeping hands and ran off with it. I tried to stop him but I didn't even remember what town I was in, I just heard someone yell "stop" and tried to chase the guy but I slipped and fell, and the one guy who tried to chase him down was too slow. Ironically, the sidekick fell out of my purse, and my charger was in my pocket.
But the purse had $700.00 inside. And all my identity documents except birth certificate and name change record. Because I had taken the rent money down across the border with me in case the border guards pulled that '$50.00 a day in your pocket or we turn you back' bullshit. And I was going to mail it to my landlord but I hate fussing with money orders and mail and so I phoned and asked to western union it to him and he said "ah, pay me when you're back on the 18th". And I got repaid $300.00 by Dee so I could get my next ticket. I've known for years I have to take precautions when carrying a lot of money. I never did. I'd taken strong risks a few times and not suffered for it.
I was not a happy camper.
But I got home, talked to Luci online and just said I needed to be held and...she did something somehow and I felt myself _dragged_ out of the rut I was falling into. And then she did something similar again tonight. Not with sex. Just warmth and the need for things to be better than they were. I didn't fall very far, but her words, ruminating about her own experiences the last year or two...echoed my own. and maybe of others. I certainly will work this image into what strange prayers I still articulate.
I am richer than I ever have been in my life.