To Rick (re: to angelia)
First of all, when leaving the car on the way to the restaurant, I asked "you don't mind walking?" and you said no.
Before you came up you called me when ben was here. Ever since I told you about what happend I have said that I didn't want to get into it. I told you over the phone that day that even if you came up I would not want to talk about it- maybe get some help but not discuss it. You told me you would not pry. I knew ahead of time that it would be awkward and I told you this. And knowing this you still chose to come up.
You asked if I wanted to talk about anything and I replied 'no'. I never said there was nothing to talk about. There is *a lot* to talk about but I am not ready yet- please respect this, because as previously mentioned, I never intended to talk about what happend in detail during your trip.
I never asked for your sympathy, only for your support. The support a daughter has a right to have from a parent. I do not understand how I can take responsibility for getting raped. I do not understand how it was a choice of mine. I do not understand. Unless you mean that I have to accept the responsibility and the consequences of choosing to tell you about what happend and not keeping my mouth shut.
I do not see how I have disrespected you. The past few years my life has been a living hell with abusive one sided relationships, the loss of my mother, and financial problems. Rather than be a supportive father you have made my life absolutely miserable. I grew up in fear of you. You've made life so much more difficult than it had to be. You've put far more obstacles in my path than were already there. And when I tell people of some of the things you've said or done to me no one understands and no one can relate. They think I'm crazy.
You said that you and mom were equals in your relationship but I know that she feared you almost as much as I did. You said you let her make decisions but when she wanted to come up and visit me you did not let her. Do you think she would be happy with all that has happend? Do you think she would be happy with the way you have treated ben and I?
I have my faults. I'm still growing up and learning as my life takes its leaps and bounds. We all are. And we all make mistakes. But there is no reason why my life should have been as difficult as it has been. I did not choose for mom to die. In fact, things between us were improving since I moved up here. She chose to fly up here and visit. You chose not to let her. I chose to go home in hopes that I would see her and be able to tell her what happend. I did not choose to be attacked. I did choose not to talk about it and I thought you understood that coming up here. I chose to study in spain. I chose to do the paperwork to make it all happen. You chose to cut me off. You assume that everything with the loan business was a conscious decision when it was an honest mistake. I know you'll never believe me but it really was. You choose to make assumptions, put words in my mouth and then act harshly on them. And I end up having to somehow find ways to adjust my lifestyle whether it means never being able to afford returning to school or getting sick and not having medical coverage or not being able to afford food. I have no options, I have no choices, except for the fact that I have chosen to work hard to try and make a life for myself. The fact that I have chosen not to live on the streets, prostitute myself or kill myself. Many people in my situation would turn to these but I'm choosing to be strong. This is the life you have put in front of me. No, I am not happy with it but I am doing all I can. I do not know what more you expect from me. All I know is that I cannot count on you for emotional support.
I knew I was taking a risk when mentioning the attack. But I still thought I could count on you. Maybe you do not want to be a father to me. Maybe you do not want me as a daughter. I really do not know. But I have tried. I've been silent, I have stuck through all the obstacles you have put in my path, all the pain, fear and sadness you have fed me. I never questioned you or fought back- I have just absorbed it all. But I'm now choosing to stand up for myself. I have my limits and do not know how much I can take, what more you expect of me, what else you could do to hurt me. I know I am taking chances but you had so much power and control over me and the decisions I made- fear and pain play such an influential role in decision making. But this is my life and I need to live it free of these demons.
sooo should I actually send this to him?? Did I leave anything out? Lol
Before you came up you called me when ben was here. Ever since I told you about what happend I have said that I didn't want to get into it. I told you over the phone that day that even if you came up I would not want to talk about it- maybe get some help but not discuss it. You told me you would not pry. I knew ahead of time that it would be awkward and I told you this. And knowing this you still chose to come up.
You asked if I wanted to talk about anything and I replied 'no'. I never said there was nothing to talk about. There is *a lot* to talk about but I am not ready yet- please respect this, because as previously mentioned, I never intended to talk about what happend in detail during your trip.
I never asked for your sympathy, only for your support. The support a daughter has a right to have from a parent. I do not understand how I can take responsibility for getting raped. I do not understand how it was a choice of mine. I do not understand. Unless you mean that I have to accept the responsibility and the consequences of choosing to tell you about what happend and not keeping my mouth shut.
I do not see how I have disrespected you. The past few years my life has been a living hell with abusive one sided relationships, the loss of my mother, and financial problems. Rather than be a supportive father you have made my life absolutely miserable. I grew up in fear of you. You've made life so much more difficult than it had to be. You've put far more obstacles in my path than were already there. And when I tell people of some of the things you've said or done to me no one understands and no one can relate. They think I'm crazy.
You said that you and mom were equals in your relationship but I know that she feared you almost as much as I did. You said you let her make decisions but when she wanted to come up and visit me you did not let her. Do you think she would be happy with all that has happend? Do you think she would be happy with the way you have treated ben and I?
I have my faults. I'm still growing up and learning as my life takes its leaps and bounds. We all are. And we all make mistakes. But there is no reason why my life should have been as difficult as it has been. I did not choose for mom to die. In fact, things between us were improving since I moved up here. She chose to fly up here and visit. You chose not to let her. I chose to go home in hopes that I would see her and be able to tell her what happend. I did not choose to be attacked. I did choose not to talk about it and I thought you understood that coming up here. I chose to study in spain. I chose to do the paperwork to make it all happen. You chose to cut me off. You assume that everything with the loan business was a conscious decision when it was an honest mistake. I know you'll never believe me but it really was. You choose to make assumptions, put words in my mouth and then act harshly on them. And I end up having to somehow find ways to adjust my lifestyle whether it means never being able to afford returning to school or getting sick and not having medical coverage or not being able to afford food. I have no options, I have no choices, except for the fact that I have chosen to work hard to try and make a life for myself. The fact that I have chosen not to live on the streets, prostitute myself or kill myself. Many people in my situation would turn to these but I'm choosing to be strong. This is the life you have put in front of me. No, I am not happy with it but I am doing all I can. I do not know what more you expect from me. All I know is that I cannot count on you for emotional support.
I knew I was taking a risk when mentioning the attack. But I still thought I could count on you. Maybe you do not want to be a father to me. Maybe you do not want me as a daughter. I really do not know. But I have tried. I've been silent, I have stuck through all the obstacles you have put in my path, all the pain, fear and sadness you have fed me. I never questioned you or fought back- I have just absorbed it all. But I'm now choosing to stand up for myself. I have my limits and do not know how much I can take, what more you expect of me, what else you could do to hurt me. I know I am taking chances but you had so much power and control over me and the decisions I made- fear and pain play such an influential role in decision making. But this is my life and I need to live it free of these demons.
sooo should I actually send this to him?? Did I leave anything out? Lol