Things that Maketh me for to Lawl Today
Hi peoples.
I've been working on Snapdragon pretty much nonstop for the last 3 days, and also playing around at spnquotefic (I have 3 already for Wendigo, and I'm not bothering to stop and see how THAT happened, yay for getting rid of writer's block.) which has been Good Times, but I haven't had a chance to catch up on my flist till now - and apparently people have been posting hilarity the last few days. Here, have some.
1) 9 words women use (and their meanings) via dhark_charlotte , which I wanted to keepz for mahself. *giggle*
(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually not a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint.. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' , that will bring on a 'whatever')
(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying GO TO HELL
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
2) If LotR Had Been Written by Someone Else, via charlie_d_blue . I could spend hours reading these. I put some of my favorites under the cut.
LOTR by Mickey Spillane:
I was sitting by the fire, puffing on a pipe, still nursing a hangover from the ale-fest the night before, when HE walked in.
He had a long white beard, a magical staff, and legs that youd like to eat on toast.
"Are you Frodo Baggins," he intoned.
"I might be," I said. "Who's asking?"
"My name is Gandalf, Mr. Baggins. And I need your help."
I looked him over. "Lots of people need my help. What makes YOU special?"
"Well, Mr. Baggins... there is a certain piece of jewelry. If it fell into the wrong hands, it could prove... troublesome. I need someone to take this ring to Mount Doom, where it can be destroyed."
I stuck some more weed in my pipe, and said, "Look, doll, let's get one thing straight- you can't come into my hole, tell me a fairy-tale about a magic ring, bat those pretty eyelids, and have me fall at your feet. I stick my neck out for nobody."
LotR by Dr Seuss
"Gandalf, Gandalf! Take the ring!
I am too small to carry this thing!"
"I can not, will not hold the One.
You have a slim chance, but I have none.
I will not take it on a boat,
I will not take it across a moat.
I cannot take it under Moria,
that's one thing I can't do for ya.
I would not bring it into Mordor,
I would not make it to the border."
LotR by Terry Brooks
Never gets written.
(ROTFLMAO, TRUE!)
LOTR by “Cesil”
Dear Cesil: Is it true that Frodo lost the ring to Gollum? We were arguing about it during a study session at the local brewery, when these guys dressed like orcs let it slip that Frodo bit his own finger off, and pushed Gollum in Mount Doom so there was no evidence. Is Frodo the next Dark Lord? Anxious in Hobbiton
Dear Anxious,
You think if I knew the whereabouts of the ring I’d tell a puling college student? There have been crackpot doom theories (get it?) about the ring ever since it was lost in the last age. It’s been a magnet for PBS loons when anyone disappears in a birthday party or a black rider is seen astride a flying saucer.
Let’s set the record straight with a few facts: After Frodo was exhumed in the Grey Havens following the suspicious circumstances of his “fading,” particular attention was paid to the manner in which his finger had been severed. It was the opinions of “experts” that the tooth scrapes on the joint were consistent with teeth like Gollum’s--worn by gnawing and grinding on bones. However the elves, having ignored the valuable lessons on interrogation taught by the Numenoreans, failed to follow up with questions regarding similar markings on various of Frodo’s toes. Hence the persisting rumors.
No doubt you’re hoping that the ring was finally put to bed in the flames of Mordor--lo those many years ago--but that’s not certain. There are unsubstantiated rumors that the nursery rhyme from the Middle Ages “Ring around the Rosie” is about the destruction caused by Sam Gamgee’s wife Rosie when entrusted with care of the ring while Sam was off fighting wiccans and environmentalists who had risen in the ruins of the witch kingdom Angmar.
Wagner’s famous “Ring Cycle” is held by certain cultists to be a covert reference to the growing power of the one ring--soon to be passed to the Kaiser, and subsequently Adolf Hitler. Music lovers claim the evil influence of Isildur’s Bane pervades Wagner’s music, but between you and me, Anxious, it doesn’t take much miscalculation to make opera sound like crud.
Finally, those whacky New Age pranksters claim that the metal from the one ring flowed into the magma of Mount Doom, and is now present in minute quantities in every volcanic eruption-thereby gradually turning the whole of humankind into dark lords. This goes a long way toward explaining prime time TV.
But in conclusion we’ll have to admit that unless it’s hidden in a yet another unfound Nazi stash, part of the crown jewels, or that talisman the Dalai Lama keeps around his neck, the one ring of power will just remain a happy memory.
-- CESIL
LotR, by John Milton
Of the great War of the Ring, and the tast
Of that Forbidden power, the long and
Arduous trek, thru’ fiery, blasted plains
With faithful Hobbits and treacherous beasts
To Chaos’ edge, and there to cast the One
To endless fire and eternal death:
Sing Heav’nly Muse, that in Rivendell did’st
First teach of the Rings of Power forgéd,
In the beginning how the Dark Lord Sauron
Brought into the world from fiery depths
Of Doom this ring of gold, pouréd into’t
His Malice and his Evil; I now
Invoke thy Aid to my Adventrous song
That struggle as it might to take to th’air
Though will I drag from bottomless perdition
Things unattempted yet in Prose or Rhime
And justifie the ways of men to Elves.
And now, LoTR, by an anonymous Japanese poet:
Ring of great evil
Small one casts it into flame
Bringing rise of Men
LotR by GENE RODDENBERRY!!1!!!
"The Halflings, cap'n, they will na take the strain"
"Strider, we've got to get out of this snow. Legolas, did you get a reading on that creature?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears to be an unknown creature that lurks in the pool waiting for passing strangers. Ecologically implausible, captain."
"Do you know what it is?"
"I believe I said it was unknown, Dr Gimli. Logically, if I knew what it was, then it wouldn't be unknown."
"Cap'n, we're in some sort of temporal warp, stretching and deforming the plot. The snow should take place a day before our encounter with this beastie."
"Captain, what are we going to do?"
"Boromir, put on that red armour."
"Cap'n, she can't hold much longer...."
Charles Dickens, paid by the word, A Tale of Two Towers
IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
(Not a word changed.)
LotR by Irvine Welsh:
Gandalf hud jest telt us aboot the ring an aw, an ay was feeling a bit queasy like, so ay started cooking up. Ay needed it an all, ye ken? -Can ye dae me a hit too, says Gandalf.
---
By now ah'm feelin all barry likes, and me and Gandalf ur discussin the fitba, which was nae a gud idea since ah'm a Hibs supporter and Gandalf's Herts. -Ye fuckin Proddy wanker he shouts at me and I start tae clobber him, a good clean fight n aw, ye ken, until he pulls oot a blade.
Ah nivir seen th' cunt so pissed in ehs puff, but ay dinna have tae put oop wi this shite. Ay swear ah'll murder th' bastard, ring or nae ring, land ay Mordor or nae land ay Mordor...
(And, lastly - )
LotR as a D&D novel
"A balrog!" Gandalf rasped. "I might have known!"
Pippin hauled out his well-worn copy of the Monstrous Manual, while Merry peeked over his shoulder. "I don't see 'Balrog' listed in the index anywhere."
"Of course not, foolish Took," the high-level mage chided him. "The copyright to the 'Balrog' name is owned by the Tolkien estate. Gygax had to call it 'Balor' or a 'Type VI demon' when he put the MM together."
Merry quickly thumbed to the Demon section, only to recall that in 2nd Edition, "Demons" and "Devils" had been renamed Baatezu and Tanar'ri, although he never could remember which was which. He cursed the Fundamentalist Christian parents' groups who had threatened to boycott TSR for creating a "demonic" game, and which had forced that particularly stupid name-change upon them. Finally, though, he located "Balor" in the Tanar'ri section, grateful that they weren't among the discontinued demon listings like Orcus and Demogorgon.
"They're only 13 hit dice," Merry dutifully reported, "But they can cast dispel magic every round at 20th level, so watch yourself, Gandalf!"
"That also do 4d8 damage if they make a to-hit roll with their whip and drag you close to their bodies," Gimli noted. "I'm outta here!" He turned and ran at his full movement rate of 9 (12 if he wasn't wearing armor).
"Leave him to me," the mage intoned. "They're worth 46,000 experience points apiece, and if I kill him by myself, I get all of those points!" He strode toward the Balr-- er, Balor, and blocked the 10-foot-wide corridor leading out of the room. "You shall not pass!!"
There are TONS more where that came from, including Rowling, Salinger and Lawyerese!!! Check it out!!
3) I'm way late to the game on this one, but I just read an amazing Spn/Firefly crossover that WORKS in both worlds and is so spot-on for every character voice that it made me die of glee. And then brought me back to life, of course, so that I could recc it. Prism, by nwhepcat .
Lastly, in shopping news, digitalwave is selling a bunch of her fanzines. A lot of them are SPN, check them out! :)
I've been working on Snapdragon pretty much nonstop for the last 3 days, and also playing around at spnquotefic (I have 3 already for Wendigo, and I'm not bothering to stop and see how THAT happened, yay for getting rid of writer's block.) which has been Good Times, but I haven't had a chance to catch up on my flist till now - and apparently people have been posting hilarity the last few days. Here, have some.
1) 9 words women use (and their meanings) via dhark_charlotte , which I wanted to keepz for mahself. *giggle*
(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually not a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint.. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' , that will bring on a 'whatever')
(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying GO TO HELL
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
2) If LotR Had Been Written by Someone Else, via charlie_d_blue . I could spend hours reading these. I put some of my favorites under the cut.
LOTR by Mickey Spillane:
I was sitting by the fire, puffing on a pipe, still nursing a hangover from the ale-fest the night before, when HE walked in.
He had a long white beard, a magical staff, and legs that youd like to eat on toast.
"Are you Frodo Baggins," he intoned.
"I might be," I said. "Who's asking?"
"My name is Gandalf, Mr. Baggins. And I need your help."
I looked him over. "Lots of people need my help. What makes YOU special?"
"Well, Mr. Baggins... there is a certain piece of jewelry. If it fell into the wrong hands, it could prove... troublesome. I need someone to take this ring to Mount Doom, where it can be destroyed."
I stuck some more weed in my pipe, and said, "Look, doll, let's get one thing straight- you can't come into my hole, tell me a fairy-tale about a magic ring, bat those pretty eyelids, and have me fall at your feet. I stick my neck out for nobody."
LotR by Dr Seuss
"Gandalf, Gandalf! Take the ring!
I am too small to carry this thing!"
"I can not, will not hold the One.
You have a slim chance, but I have none.
I will not take it on a boat,
I will not take it across a moat.
I cannot take it under Moria,
that's one thing I can't do for ya.
I would not bring it into Mordor,
I would not make it to the border."
LotR by Terry Brooks
Never gets written.
(ROTFLMAO, TRUE!)
LOTR by “Cesil”
Dear Cesil: Is it true that Frodo lost the ring to Gollum? We were arguing about it during a study session at the local brewery, when these guys dressed like orcs let it slip that Frodo bit his own finger off, and pushed Gollum in Mount Doom so there was no evidence. Is Frodo the next Dark Lord? Anxious in Hobbiton
Dear Anxious,
You think if I knew the whereabouts of the ring I’d tell a puling college student? There have been crackpot doom theories (get it?) about the ring ever since it was lost in the last age. It’s been a magnet for PBS loons when anyone disappears in a birthday party or a black rider is seen astride a flying saucer.
Let’s set the record straight with a few facts: After Frodo was exhumed in the Grey Havens following the suspicious circumstances of his “fading,” particular attention was paid to the manner in which his finger had been severed. It was the opinions of “experts” that the tooth scrapes on the joint were consistent with teeth like Gollum’s--worn by gnawing and grinding on bones. However the elves, having ignored the valuable lessons on interrogation taught by the Numenoreans, failed to follow up with questions regarding similar markings on various of Frodo’s toes. Hence the persisting rumors.
No doubt you’re hoping that the ring was finally put to bed in the flames of Mordor--lo those many years ago--but that’s not certain. There are unsubstantiated rumors that the nursery rhyme from the Middle Ages “Ring around the Rosie” is about the destruction caused by Sam Gamgee’s wife Rosie when entrusted with care of the ring while Sam was off fighting wiccans and environmentalists who had risen in the ruins of the witch kingdom Angmar.
Wagner’s famous “Ring Cycle” is held by certain cultists to be a covert reference to the growing power of the one ring--soon to be passed to the Kaiser, and subsequently Adolf Hitler. Music lovers claim the evil influence of Isildur’s Bane pervades Wagner’s music, but between you and me, Anxious, it doesn’t take much miscalculation to make opera sound like crud.
Finally, those whacky New Age pranksters claim that the metal from the one ring flowed into the magma of Mount Doom, and is now present in minute quantities in every volcanic eruption-thereby gradually turning the whole of humankind into dark lords. This goes a long way toward explaining prime time TV.
But in conclusion we’ll have to admit that unless it’s hidden in a yet another unfound Nazi stash, part of the crown jewels, or that talisman the Dalai Lama keeps around his neck, the one ring of power will just remain a happy memory.
-- CESIL
LotR, by John Milton
Of the great War of the Ring, and the tast
Of that Forbidden power, the long and
Arduous trek, thru’ fiery, blasted plains
With faithful Hobbits and treacherous beasts
To Chaos’ edge, and there to cast the One
To endless fire and eternal death:
Sing Heav’nly Muse, that in Rivendell did’st
First teach of the Rings of Power forgéd,
In the beginning how the Dark Lord Sauron
Brought into the world from fiery depths
Of Doom this ring of gold, pouréd into’t
His Malice and his Evil; I now
Invoke thy Aid to my Adventrous song
That struggle as it might to take to th’air
Though will I drag from bottomless perdition
Things unattempted yet in Prose or Rhime
And justifie the ways of men to Elves.
And now, LoTR, by an anonymous Japanese poet:
Ring of great evil
Small one casts it into flame
Bringing rise of Men
LotR by GENE RODDENBERRY!!1!!!
"The Halflings, cap'n, they will na take the strain"
"Strider, we've got to get out of this snow. Legolas, did you get a reading on that creature?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears to be an unknown creature that lurks in the pool waiting for passing strangers. Ecologically implausible, captain."
"Do you know what it is?"
"I believe I said it was unknown, Dr Gimli. Logically, if I knew what it was, then it wouldn't be unknown."
"Cap'n, we're in some sort of temporal warp, stretching and deforming the plot. The snow should take place a day before our encounter with this beastie."
"Captain, what are we going to do?"
"Boromir, put on that red armour."
"Cap'n, she can't hold much longer...."
Charles Dickens, paid by the word, A Tale of Two Towers
IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
(Not a word changed.)
LotR by Irvine Welsh:
Gandalf hud jest telt us aboot the ring an aw, an ay was feeling a bit queasy like, so ay started cooking up. Ay needed it an all, ye ken? -Can ye dae me a hit too, says Gandalf.
---
By now ah'm feelin all barry likes, and me and Gandalf ur discussin the fitba, which was nae a gud idea since ah'm a Hibs supporter and Gandalf's Herts. -Ye fuckin Proddy wanker he shouts at me and I start tae clobber him, a good clean fight n aw, ye ken, until he pulls oot a blade.
Ah nivir seen th' cunt so pissed in ehs puff, but ay dinna have tae put oop wi this shite. Ay swear ah'll murder th' bastard, ring or nae ring, land ay Mordor or nae land ay Mordor...
(And, lastly - )
LotR as a D&D novel
"A balrog!" Gandalf rasped. "I might have known!"
Pippin hauled out his well-worn copy of the Monstrous Manual, while Merry peeked over his shoulder. "I don't see 'Balrog' listed in the index anywhere."
"Of course not, foolish Took," the high-level mage chided him. "The copyright to the 'Balrog' name is owned by the Tolkien estate. Gygax had to call it 'Balor' or a 'Type VI demon' when he put the MM together."
Merry quickly thumbed to the Demon section, only to recall that in 2nd Edition, "Demons" and "Devils" had been renamed Baatezu and Tanar'ri, although he never could remember which was which. He cursed the Fundamentalist Christian parents' groups who had threatened to boycott TSR for creating a "demonic" game, and which had forced that particularly stupid name-change upon them. Finally, though, he located "Balor" in the Tanar'ri section, grateful that they weren't among the discontinued demon listings like Orcus and Demogorgon.
"They're only 13 hit dice," Merry dutifully reported, "But they can cast dispel magic every round at 20th level, so watch yourself, Gandalf!"
"That also do 4d8 damage if they make a to-hit roll with their whip and drag you close to their bodies," Gimli noted. "I'm outta here!" He turned and ran at his full movement rate of 9 (12 if he wasn't wearing armor).
"Leave him to me," the mage intoned. "They're worth 46,000 experience points apiece, and if I kill him by myself, I get all of those points!" He strode toward the Balr-- er, Balor, and blocked the 10-foot-wide corridor leading out of the room. "You shall not pass!!"
There are TONS more where that came from, including Rowling, Salinger and Lawyerese!!! Check it out!!
3) I'm way late to the game on this one, but I just read an amazing Spn/Firefly crossover that WORKS in both worlds and is so spot-on for every character voice that it made me die of glee. And then brought me back to life, of course, so that I could recc it. Prism, by nwhepcat .
Lastly, in shopping news, digitalwave is selling a bunch of her fanzines. A lot of them are SPN, check them out! :)