Another Reboot (Dear Diary)
[entry code: ...don't remember my own codes! DEAR DIARY ? or did I have a better one?]
I haven't written in here in too long. I could just have an off-internet journal. I mean, I KNOW almost nobody reads these things. But somehow I feel more motivated writing on-line.
I'm pro'lly a narcissist. *sigh* You'd think I narcissist would be less critical of himself. Ah well.
Anyway, these days I don't feel much control over my life, or my mind. My mind has a mind of its own, so to speak...very difficult to reign it in. Of course, I know a great many techniques to help control it, but probably the two best are the two that are working against me: mood and habit.
Good mood = better control
So that one's simple. Just not in a good mood these days, not usually. Remember how (about) one year ago I mentioned these three dimensions, three critical things I was waiting for decisions on? DOMA, school, and a job? I believe those were the three.
-> The job was less critical, in hindsight...it just woulda REALLY sucked to mooch off people more than I already have. I hate mooching. I'm very worried already that I have already been given more than my fair share (and I have given back less...).
-> The school was definitely critical. It's always on my mind, perhaps too much: my debt (student loans) is so high I have a correspondingly limited number of realistic opportunities to pay it back. I knew this at the time of course, but I don't like these sort of limits and I occasionally ask myself, what if I were working a low-waged but generally low-stress job, like at a bookstore or something? And then I could 'write' as my 'vocation' after work-hours? And if I ever started selling, I could cut back my bookstore job to part-time... That'd be nice. I had reasons for my current choice, and Psychology is a good career for me, but the negatives are sometimes all-too-apparent (such as how much I'm *supposed* to get done in grad school).
-> DOMA went through just fine. And I proposed to my *Code-Name: FOX*. And he didn't say yes. I think I explained that part - lots of things on his mind, and he doesn't feel like he can say anything about his future (such as, marriage). I disagree on this - if he knows he wants it, practicality be blasted - but it's his choice. It hurt. He didn't say 'no' either... I assumed we'd work out his plans sometime after...and we probably still will...but the unanswered-ness of it all is really frustrating for me. He has very legitimate reasons, btw, so please don't judge him: his mom didn't have surgery until last December, and has since been in recovery (not an easy recovery). He subsequently got quite sick, his work is always difficult, and his internet broke months ago (and they wouldn't fix his internet without him at the house...which he couldn't do because of work).
So, prospects are better but I think I'm actually feeling worse. Just slightly. Lonely, stressed, and cruelly-reminded of how difficult it is to keep myself *on task*.
This is in part to...HABIT.
See, on the one hand, I know that good habits beget good habits...sorta. For example, if I habitually wake up the same time every day, then it's easier for me to wake up that time tomorrow. It comes naturally (this is assisted by circadian rhythm of course, but it illustrates the point nevertheless). Currently, I have very few healthy habits. If I actually crack open a book (so to speak), I may have this thought of "I'd really like to play [game]" or "I'm actually feeling kinda lethargic - maybe I should get coffee, food, or a small nap," and I still have this habit of following those thoughts.
It's not a lost cause. It takes two weeks to change a habit...which includes some of those circadian-rhythm ruled habits. I've successfully woken up at 7-7:30am every day this past week. I've often went back to sleep of course, but not RIGHT back to sleep. It's an improvement. I've also done work on my thesis - 15 minutes or more - almost every day this week. I just need to keep on it, monitor my progress, and avoid overworking myself (as that often leads to a "relapse" to my old bad habits). I think my goal for tomorrow morning will be to STAY up after waking at 7.
Yeah, fine, that doesn't sound ambitious to you maybe, but seriously. It's very hard to keep myself under my own control.
"Reboot" was because I intend to write periodically again. That's not a high-priority goal right now though, so we'll see.
[this post was not edited - i don't feel like it :P]
I haven't written in here in too long. I could just have an off-internet journal. I mean, I KNOW almost nobody reads these things. But somehow I feel more motivated writing on-line.
I'm pro'lly a narcissist. *sigh* You'd think I narcissist would be less critical of himself. Ah well.
Anyway, these days I don't feel much control over my life, or my mind. My mind has a mind of its own, so to speak...very difficult to reign it in. Of course, I know a great many techniques to help control it, but probably the two best are the two that are working against me: mood and habit.
Good mood = better control
So that one's simple. Just not in a good mood these days, not usually. Remember how (about) one year ago I mentioned these three dimensions, three critical things I was waiting for decisions on? DOMA, school, and a job? I believe those were the three.
-> The job was less critical, in hindsight...it just woulda REALLY sucked to mooch off people more than I already have. I hate mooching. I'm very worried already that I have already been given more than my fair share (and I have given back less...).
-> The school was definitely critical. It's always on my mind, perhaps too much: my debt (student loans) is so high I have a correspondingly limited number of realistic opportunities to pay it back. I knew this at the time of course, but I don't like these sort of limits and I occasionally ask myself, what if I were working a low-waged but generally low-stress job, like at a bookstore or something? And then I could 'write' as my 'vocation' after work-hours? And if I ever started selling, I could cut back my bookstore job to part-time... That'd be nice. I had reasons for my current choice, and Psychology is a good career for me, but the negatives are sometimes all-too-apparent (such as how much I'm *supposed* to get done in grad school).
-> DOMA went through just fine. And I proposed to my *Code-Name: FOX*. And he didn't say yes. I think I explained that part - lots of things on his mind, and he doesn't feel like he can say anything about his future (such as, marriage). I disagree on this - if he knows he wants it, practicality be blasted - but it's his choice. It hurt. He didn't say 'no' either... I assumed we'd work out his plans sometime after...and we probably still will...but the unanswered-ness of it all is really frustrating for me. He has very legitimate reasons, btw, so please don't judge him: his mom didn't have surgery until last December, and has since been in recovery (not an easy recovery). He subsequently got quite sick, his work is always difficult, and his internet broke months ago (and they wouldn't fix his internet without him at the house...which he couldn't do because of work).
So, prospects are better but I think I'm actually feeling worse. Just slightly. Lonely, stressed, and cruelly-reminded of how difficult it is to keep myself *on task*.
This is in part to...HABIT.
See, on the one hand, I know that good habits beget good habits...sorta. For example, if I habitually wake up the same time every day, then it's easier for me to wake up that time tomorrow. It comes naturally (this is assisted by circadian rhythm of course, but it illustrates the point nevertheless). Currently, I have very few healthy habits. If I actually crack open a book (so to speak), I may have this thought of "I'd really like to play [game]" or "I'm actually feeling kinda lethargic - maybe I should get coffee, food, or a small nap," and I still have this habit of following those thoughts.
It's not a lost cause. It takes two weeks to change a habit...which includes some of those circadian-rhythm ruled habits. I've successfully woken up at 7-7:30am every day this past week. I've often went back to sleep of course, but not RIGHT back to sleep. It's an improvement. I've also done work on my thesis - 15 minutes or more - almost every day this week. I just need to keep on it, monitor my progress, and avoid overworking myself (as that often leads to a "relapse" to my old bad habits). I think my goal for tomorrow morning will be to STAY up after waking at 7.
Yeah, fine, that doesn't sound ambitious to you maybe, but seriously. It's very hard to keep myself under my own control.
"Reboot" was because I intend to write periodically again. That's not a high-priority goal right now though, so we'll see.
[this post was not edited - i don't feel like it :P]