Beauty and the Asshole
Title: Beauty and the Asshole
Author: tafidadarling
Fandom: The Social Network which belongs to Columbia Pictures.
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Mark/Eduardo, Chris, Dustin, Sean
Rating: FRM for language, mention of sexual content and kidnapping which is wrong. They don't emphasis that in Beauty and the Beast, but it is kids.
Summary: Complete crack fic. Beauty and the Beast starring the characters of The Social Network.
Notes: For pirateyes who's 100% to blame for this. In a good way. :D
Cross posted to mark_eduardo and socialnetwrkfic.
Eduardo woke up, his head throbbing. His hand flew up to his temple and he could see the blood despite the dim lighting. He tried to remember the events the night before that could have led up to this, but all he could recall was that he went to a party. Everything after that was fuzzy. He scanned the room for any clues as to where he was. It was empty, bland in color and the door was dead bolted. It was obvious that he was a prisoner. Eduardo crawled over and began pounding on the wood as hard as he could.
"Hello! Is anyone out there? Help! Please let me out!"
He didn't know how long he sat there yelling before he heard the locks turn. He had to avert his eyes; the light that leaked in was blinding after his time in the dark room.
"Oh, thank you so much. Where am I?"
"That doesn't matter. I expected more form you Wardo. Begging to be let out? You only had to ask."
That voice. Eduardo had thought this situation, whatever it was, couldn't get worse. Well, it had.
"I don't want to talk to you. Lock me back up Mark."
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"I can't believe you bought a mansion," Eduardo muttered as Mark showed him around. The building was massive as far as Eduardo could tell. Mark refused to show him the outside. He knew his friend, well ex-friend, would have tried to run away. Only if Eduardo knew it was also for his own good. He wouldn't have gotten far. The mansion was in the middle of nowhere, completely surrounded by forest.
"Might as well use my fortune," Mark retorted. He didn't sound like himself, but the undermining tone was still there. "Sean, Dustin , Chris and I work from here."
"You have them trapped here too?"
"Not trapped, but they didn't have much of a choice."
"Jesus Christ Mark! What? You can't make or keep friends, so you kidnap and force us to?"
"Not at all. Well, that might be slightly true about you. The guys came here with me, but then something happened."
"They found out you're a sociopath?"
"I am not," Mark said though he was not expressing much anger and only drove home Eduardo's point. "You won't believe me if I told you."
"I wouldn't have believed someone if they told me that Mark fucking Zuckerberg would kidnap me, but here we are. Try me."
"Sean, Dustin and Chris has been turned into inanimate objects and none of us can leave the property until I... until I ap... you have to forgive me Wardo."
"You mean you have to say you're sorry."
"Yeah. You're taking the inanimate objects part very well."
"Are you?"
"I guess. It was strange at first."
"I meant are you sorry. You are completely crazy." Eduardo started to walk away and suddenly was knocked over by... was that a candlestick?
"Wardo, I've missed you so much!" the candlestick said as it scrambled up Eduardo's chest. "Did you hit your head?"
"Only twice in as many days. Is that you Dustin?"
"In the wax!" The candlestick smiled and yes. That was Dustin's smile. By the time Eduardo was back on his feet, a clock and teapot had joined them.
"Chris? Sean?" The clock waved shyly while the teapot fidgeted and avoided eye contact with Eduardo. Well, that solved who was who. Wait. Did he just say a teapot avoided eye contact?
"What is he doing here?" Sean asked, his discomfort as clear as it could be considering he had no real facial features to speak of.
"You know why," Mark said simply.
"How... What... Why..." Eduardo wasn't often at a loss for words. Luckily even after years apart, Mark understood.
"I e-mailed an intern at the offices to bring you here. We don't know how it happened or why. I'm not sure of the reason I'm still human or what possessed them to make the guys a candlestick, clock and teapot either."
"At least I always know the time," Chris said with a laugh. It caused the hands on his face turn wildly.
"Oh, okay. This all makes perfect sense," Eduardo said and then fainted. It was a miracle he didn't have a concussion.
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Eduardo woke the second time in a lavish bed with a canopy obstructing his view of the room. He pulled it aside to reveal a bedroom almost twice the size of his entire apartment. A new set of clothes were at the bottom of the bed with a note laid on top.
Wardo, Get changed. Clean up. Dinner's at six. Mark.
Bastard typed it up and wasted a whole 8x10 sheet of paper. Eduardo grabbed a pen, scribbled 'fuck you' on it and slid it under the door. He sat back down on the bed and waited. Waited for what? He had no idea what he was doing. He needed to eat eventually and if he could choose where he'd be held captive when his ex-best friend and three nerds turned household objects kidnapped him, this would be the place. It could be much worse.
About an hour later, he could hear someone in the hallway. "I deserve that," Mark's voice said, muffled from behind the door.
"I know that must have been hard for you to say."
"Will you please come to dinner?"
Eduardo cracked open the door and started at Mark. "I didn't know that word was in your vocabulary."
"People can change."
"Does that mean dinner isn't pizza?"
"Don't push it."
Did Mark just smile? God, Eduardo had missed that smile. It was often the reason he'd hand over money to Mark without question, fly out to California on short notice, sign without reading the papers.
"Okay. Right now even pizza sounds good."
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Eduardo had been in the house for several days now, and Mark hadn't even come close to apologizing. Eduardo wouldn't say he was enjoying himself, but there was enough to be done around the house to keep him occupied. Dustin and Chris still noted, however, how upset he truly was.
"Hey Mark?" Dustin asked quietly. They knew he was plugged in, but this had to be done. Mark grunted a response, and they knew they were safe to talk.
"It's about Wardo," Chris began.
"He's really unhappy."
"No he's not," Mark said looking up from his laptop.
"Open your eyes man."
"He's become a freaking maid practically."
"We think you should let him see the library."
"He'll love it."
"Yeah, and maybe he'll start to, you know..."
"Forgive you."
Mark stared at his friends. He had gotten used to speaking to them in their current state, but he was reminded he had to do this for them too. He decided he'd try to find out when he stopped being selfish later and went to find Eduardo. He was laying on his bed just looking off into space.
"Wardo, you want to see the library?"
"How long are you going to drag this out Mark?" Eduardo asked, ignoring Mark's question.
"I'm sorry?"
"I have a life to get back to. I can't stay here forever. My mom probably has the whole FBI looking for me."
"I said it."
"That doesn't count. You said it like a question. You didn't mean it."
"How do you know? Sean!"
Sean scuttled over spilling tea all over the floor. "Yeah boss man?"
"Nevermind," Mark muttered.
"Want tea? Made it myself."
"No!" Mark and Eduardo answered at the same time.
"Your loss," he said as he continued down the hall.
"Okay Mark. Take me to the library."
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The library was unbelievable. Shelves as high as the fifteen-foot high ceilings. Books, magazines and journals on every possible topic. Eduardo had absorbed himself in a copy of The Economist, and Mark left him to read in peace. He felt something seeing his friend so happy, but he wasn't sure how to describe it. It was definitely good, though. He stored the information away along with his new found selflessness.
Eventually Eduardo tired of reading. Restless, he began to wander around the mansion, peering into the other rooms. On the last floor, he found a room that was empty except for a small table with a rose encased in glass. Several petals had fallen from the flower. He reached out when his arm was grabbed. Mark stared at him, his fingers digging into Eduardo's skin.
"Don't touch that ever," he said coolly, but his eyes shot flames.
"I'm sorry," Eduardo squeaked.
"Aren't we all?"
"You gonna try and say that counted as an apology?"
It was over before Eduardo knew what was happening. His face stung and he realized Mark had slapped him.
"I shouldn't have done that," Mark said immediately. "I'm sorry Wardo. I'm sorry I slapped you. I'm sorry I was an awful friend and I cheated you out of what was rightfully yours. You were the only friend I had, and you didn't deserve that. I am so sorry."
"Mark, I forgave you long ago," Eduardo said. "I don't know why. You are so aggravating, I could just..." He slapped Mark in return. "Man, that felt good."
"I'm glad. Whatever makes you feel better."
"What have you done with Mark?"
"I don't know. I think I like this new Mark, though. He's as aggressive, but for the right reasons this time."
Mark was still holding Eduardo's arm. He puled him in and their lips connected. Yes, he enjoyed this new feeling very much so especially when Eduardo was kissing him back.
"I've been waiting for that for over eight years," Eduardo mumbled when they pulled apart.
"Maybe that's why this all happened," Mark said, humming contently as Eduardo nuzzled along his jaw. "We should probably go see if the guys turned back."
"They can wait." Eduardo grinned at him. His eyes were wide and his voice was low. Mark prayed to whatever higher power was out there that the guys hadn't changed. It'd take them awhile to hop upstairs to check on them.
The table was knocked over as they hurried to rid themselves of their clothing. They fell asleep huddled together on the dusty floor, some of the petals stuck to their slick skin.
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"So, how did you guys make up?" Sean asked as they sat around the table eating Chinese take out. The others were back to their human selves, but no one was quite ready to leave the mansion.
"That's rude to ask Sean," Chris said.
"We helped," Dustin said ignoring the glare Chris shot him.
"That's private between Mark and Wardo."
"Oh, I'm not looking for details," Sean clarified. "I was just wondering if the hickey on Mark's neck had anything to do with it."
Eduardo blushed and looked down as he pushed his food around the carton. He felt Mark lay his hand on his forearm and whisper "It's okay."
"Sean," Mark said. "You're just jealous because as a teapot, you haven't gotten any in months."
Dustin spit his drink across the table and Chris started coughing. Sean just stared at Mark intently. "You're right. Mark, you are the king of cock blocking. I'm taking a paid vacation after this."
"Go ahead," Mark said. "I am. Wardo? Will you come with me?"
"Yes!" Eduardo threw his arms around Mark's neck and kissed him. It may have been a crazy week, but he wouldn't change any of it. Their story finally had the happy ending it deserved.