(no subject)
Well, apparently, I really can’t talk about this with anybody I know. It’s a big load and I can’t do anything about it. Nobody else will understand.
So I’m just going to do what I do best.
I’m going to make a semi-vague entry about it. That’s how I usually do it when I can’t find anybody else.
There’s a time in everyone’s life when they learn the fact that they are powerless.
That thought came to me a lot of times before, because well, I’m powerless a lot. I learned to deal with that, to pick my battles. There are some things you can fight for; there are some things you just can’t win.
But here’s a problem with that realization: it comes after you’ve gone on and made the error.
That realization will only come once you are truly defeated. It’s like a defense mechanism that clicks on when you’re at your weakest, to help you get through a failure. That thought comes when you’ve fought on, said everything you had to say, did everything you had to do, thought of everything you had to think of.
It’s useless.
But here’s another problem with that, when another unwinnable fight comes along, you kind of forget about the things you’ve just learned. Unless of course you’re a defeatist, if that’s the case, then you have no idea what I’m talking about.
I just can’t give up what I care about.
I will fight if I have to fight.
There are some things in my life right now that I actually like.
I reached a fork.
For the first time, I can actually see that I’m on an unwinnable path.
These are three aspects of my life, and there’s just no winning in any of them.
No matter what I think
No matter what I do
No matter what I say
At the end of the day
I lose.
To the right, is the path out. I just need to accept that this fight is indeed unwinnable and that nothing will change anything. It’s beyond me and it’s beyond what I can do.
To the left, is that maze. That maze I usually go through where I use EVERYTHING in my power to get through it, to try to win somehow. Even if I manage to power my way out of that maze, there are traps just waiting for me to take that one wrong step. If by some miracle I get through the traps, there’s that one swift swing of the sword that can’t be blocked, dodged or parried. That’s the point where you just die. No explanations, no apologies, no reasons. You went through all that, just to die.
I’ve always been taking the path to the left.
I’ve never seen the end of course, the romantic in me just had to take that route because even though I am aware that some fights are unwinnable, I still want to believe that I can do things to change that somehow, even just a little.
Not this time.
Not anymore.
I’m going to save myself from my downfall. I’m going to avoid the crash.
I will no longer run through that maze. I will no longer try to disarm the traps. I will not subject myself to that one swift swing.
I’ll take the right path in all these three aspects.
I am seriously done trying.
I think I’ve tried hard enough.
I’m just not that strong. It’s not about what I think, say or do anymore; it’s just about how weak I am.
I am powerless.
So I’m just going to do what I do best.
I’m going to make a semi-vague entry about it. That’s how I usually do it when I can’t find anybody else.
There’s a time in everyone’s life when they learn the fact that they are powerless.
That thought came to me a lot of times before, because well, I’m powerless a lot. I learned to deal with that, to pick my battles. There are some things you can fight for; there are some things you just can’t win.
But here’s a problem with that realization: it comes after you’ve gone on and made the error.
That realization will only come once you are truly defeated. It’s like a defense mechanism that clicks on when you’re at your weakest, to help you get through a failure. That thought comes when you’ve fought on, said everything you had to say, did everything you had to do, thought of everything you had to think of.
It’s useless.
But here’s another problem with that, when another unwinnable fight comes along, you kind of forget about the things you’ve just learned. Unless of course you’re a defeatist, if that’s the case, then you have no idea what I’m talking about.
I just can’t give up what I care about.
I will fight if I have to fight.
There are some things in my life right now that I actually like.
I reached a fork.
For the first time, I can actually see that I’m on an unwinnable path.
These are three aspects of my life, and there’s just no winning in any of them.
No matter what I think
No matter what I do
No matter what I say
At the end of the day
I lose.
To the right, is the path out. I just need to accept that this fight is indeed unwinnable and that nothing will change anything. It’s beyond me and it’s beyond what I can do.
To the left, is that maze. That maze I usually go through where I use EVERYTHING in my power to get through it, to try to win somehow. Even if I manage to power my way out of that maze, there are traps just waiting for me to take that one wrong step. If by some miracle I get through the traps, there’s that one swift swing of the sword that can’t be blocked, dodged or parried. That’s the point where you just die. No explanations, no apologies, no reasons. You went through all that, just to die.
I’ve always been taking the path to the left.
I’ve never seen the end of course, the romantic in me just had to take that route because even though I am aware that some fights are unwinnable, I still want to believe that I can do things to change that somehow, even just a little.
Not this time.
Not anymore.
I’m going to save myself from my downfall. I’m going to avoid the crash.
I will no longer run through that maze. I will no longer try to disarm the traps. I will not subject myself to that one swift swing.
I’ll take the right path in all these three aspects.
I am seriously done trying.
I think I’ve tried hard enough.
I’m just not that strong. It’s not about what I think, say or do anymore; it’s just about how weak I am.
I am powerless.