a revelation of sorts: an optimistic post for once

[taeminnie]

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I had a revelation of sorts today. When I type it, it's going to sound stupid because it's hard to express through a keyboard how much this revelation shook me. Even typing it makes me feel lame, but I'm okay with being lame. I'm okay with being me. It's funny how those five words seem to sum up my everything, my anxiety, my stress, my constant worry. They sum up my whole revelation in just a few simple words that took a second to type.

I'm okay being me.


Everything that has ever gone wrong (okay, generalization is bad. But it feels about right right now.) has always equated to me not feeling /enough/. Enough for society, enough for my parents, enough for my friends, enough for work. Enough for me. It always felt like no matter what I did, how much god damn effort I put into everything, it just never felt like I could achieve exactly what I wanted. And it's so tiring to work at the impossible.

But I had my little brother's birthday party today, just the family. We sat, we ate, we talked. I played Call of Duty MWF. And in the midst of everything (well if we're being precise: when we were watching We Bought a Zoo and Holocene by Bon Iver came on), I realized I was happy. I wasn't thinking of my fears, my anxiety, my weight, my face. I was just enjoying the moment.

And that's just exactly what life is about, isn't it. God, it's about enjoying the moment. Because life moves so fast, it's like a whirl wind and sometimes I feel like I can't keep up. I'm worrying about the future, or crying about the past. But we only get one short damn life here. We only get this one day, one time. And with this one day and this one moment, the power is all in our hands. I can worry about money, about the future, death. I can fucking worry my life away. Or I can live. I'm not saying that sadness and worry will never happen because I'm human, and those are human emotions. But oh my god, I can choose what I let get me down. I can walk through the mall with my friends and think everyone in the world is looking at me, judging me, or I can think: God, I'm here with my friends, I'm having a good time. And that's that. If they judge me, while you can go right the fuck ahead and do that. But me, right in this moment, I can choose not to give two shits. I can choose to choose happiness.

I could choose to spend a day on the computer, wishing I was in Korea. Or I can walk outside that door, see some friends, make some friends. I can spend a day at the park with a good book. I can spend a day with my friends. I can make some memories.

I can choose to let my anxiety get the best of me, I could choose to live in fear. Or I could choose to get the better of my anxiety. It's not going to happen in a snap, it takes work. But what's a little work in the long run? I can already feel the burden getting lighter. Seeing my councellor has taught me that I am a capable person. I have anxiety, I have fears, I have a hard past. But I can choose to dwell on that, or I can choose to laugh. I can choose to be happy.

My councellor kept talking to me about controlling my thoughts, controlling my emotions. And I thought it was a crock of shit to be honest. How could I control these thoughts? It was impossible.

But impossible is quite an interesting word. Not the word itself, but the implications it comes with. It's implying that no matter how hard I try, how much effort I put in, I'll never achieve it. But a lot of things were considered impossible right? But we did the impossible. Impossible is just a word that limits.

I once thought it was impossible to ever improve my relationship with my dad. But he's come to counselling, we've talked. And god, it seems like the impossible really is happening. I'm talking to him. About emotions. About how much he's hurt me. And the world isn't ending. We're laughing more, we're not yelling and I'm not crying. We're genuinely happier from the experience.

If I already don't sound quite incoherent enough, I have still have a few more things to say.

I've been so scared. About a lot of things. About the way I look, the way I come across to people, about growing older, about not having a boyfriend, about being left behind, about the responsibilities that are coming in the future, about being on my own. But it feels like I've come to a resolution of sorts.

I look the way I look. I could change it if I liked, but I wouldn't be me then, would I? I was given this body, and I can either hate it and be ashamed. Or I can put on a nice dress. Put on a nice smile and be comfortable with who I am. Because those who really care about me, would never, ever judge the way I look.

I can always worry what people think about me. Or I can accept that I am who I am, and no matter what I do, some people won't like me. And that's okay. I don't need to spend copious amounts of time proving myself to them. I can be with the people that love me, that see me for the beautiful person I am.

I can worry about growing older. I have, believe me. Or, I can stop fighting life. I could do plastic surgery to every inch of my body, but would that change my age? I'm going to grow old, and yes my skin will be saggy, I might not have as much energy as I do now, and I might embarrass my kids. But the wisdom that's to come in those years, god, it's priceless. I may change in appearance, but my spirit, my love, my hopes, my disappoints, my feelings, my dreams and my personality, that will remain with me. If I can't stop it, I might as well go along with the ride.

It's funny, this boyfriend thing. It has literally kept me up at night. But my mom and I had this deep conversation about it the other night in which she told me, that I have standards. She's reminded me that there have been boys who've wanted to date me, who've had crushes on me, but I didn't like them that way. And I decided that I wouldn't settle. That may mean that it might be a while, but there's nothing wrong with being alone. There is nothing wrong with being single. I'm okay.

I make friends with a lot of foreigners. I get along with everyone, no matter the race or religion, because I can accept that other people are different from me. In their thoughts and beliefs, in their ways of life, in their upbringings. It's what makes us all who we are. And I love us all being different. It makes life so interesting, doesn't it? I don't care that I'm not a Christian (though I am spiritual) and that you are. I can look past that to the person, and all those little things we don't agree on fall away. I'm straying from my point, but what I meant to get around to was that, in being friends with a lot of foreigners, I get left behind a lot. And I can see them moving on with their lives, being back home with their other friends. And it used to make me feel so alone. Like I had been a nice year in their life, but that they didn't care about me. But, what I didn't realize was that they still loved me, they still cherished me, but they chose to live in the moment, to not dwell on the past and wish to have the old times back. They moved on, but still remained with me through Facebook and Skype, and even if we don't see each other everyday anymore, we can still keep in touch. It was a very liberating thought, moving on. It's hard but it's a necessity. And the things to come are so great, too.

Korea. God, I swear that has been my life line for the past few months. I'm not feeling too awesome right now, but Korea's in 5 months. And one day my mom told me straight: I think that you think Korea is going to be this magical place. And I'm sure that it's going to be an amazing experience. But moving there won't solve all your problems, it won't make everything better. That's something you have to work on inside yourself. I, of course, brushed her off at the time. But it's so true. I've been so caught up with Korea, and how my life will be so much better there that I was ignoring the present. Ignoring the good times I could be having. I was hoping I could escape my problems, but that's something I really do need to deal within myself. It's not easy, it's a process, but it's obviously working because I'm smiling more, feeling more free. And it's a burden off my chest.

So here's what I plan to do (but might not do because it's just how I'm feeling now):

• I will write my damn fanfiction. I love it. Other people might think it's creepy, but god, I love it so much and it makes me happy. And that's all that really matters.
• I will smile more. Because it's been proving that smiling, even when you don't mean it, genuinely makes you happy. 
• I will go out more. I love you guys, but I have an iPhone. I'm fully capable of keeping in touch from the outside world. Because I honestly feel the best when I'm outside, with friends and family, away from technology, and just forgetting about my problems.
• I will read more books. Because, I still feel my happiest, on a park bench, paperback in hand, lost in some good literature. I'm sometimes anti-social, and that's okay.
• I will love Korea, and while I'm there I will enjoy myself so much. But until then, I will enjoy life in the moment. Because always living for the future doesn't give you much time to live.
• I will let myself feel sadness where sadness is unavoidable. But, I will also not dwell in it. I will feel it, let it out and always remember there are happier times to come.
• I will live my life. God, this is the main one. It's a rollercoaster. There will be sad times, there will be great times and there will be times of utter joy. You take the good with the bad, it's all part of the experience.
• I will laugh until my stomach hurts. It's so fucking corny, but there's no greater feeling.
• I will not get so caught up with looks. It's important to take care of yourself, but obsession is never good on any level.
• I will keep up with my languages. Because I love them for the right reasons. Because ultimately all I want is to connect with people of all ethnicity. 
• I will keep up my exercise and healthy eating habits. Because I love the feeling, not only the looks, that come with it.
• I will make new friends. Because, time goes on and friends will come and go. But they make life infinitely better.
• I will learn all the things I ever wanted to learn. Guitar, French, Japanese.
• I will not let opportunities pass because of fear. Like sky-diving with my father. I think it'll be amazing!
• I will write hand-written letters, and keep a written diary. Because paper is a wonderful thing.
• I will live. That's all there is to it. It's so easy to get caught up in life, but sometimes we just have to stop. Breath. And take it as it comes.

Me. Right at this moment. Happy.